But Why...Part 2

Why are people so confused and complicated?
How is it possible for someone to be so self centered?

You walk hand in hand with someone down a breathtakingly beautiful mountain trail with the waves lashing far below and forest all around. It is one of the loveliest walks of your lives. You are both amazed and immersed in the beauty of the moment.

You suddenly, breathlessly claim you would never leave the other person's hand again even though the other person insists they don't need promises. Because they don't need expectations to spoil anything about this ethereal walk that has no name.

Then, as you walk by the side of the cliff with the beautiful waves right below, still holding their hands as if you would never let go, you suddenly give the other person a shove sending them hurtling down the cliff. The person is hurt, physically and emotionally. Confused and unable to walk for a little while, eventually the person decides to get up and start walking again. What else is there to do anyway. They need to get out of their slump. They need to get out of the prickly shrubs and rocks.

But the question would never go away. "But why". Not just "But why did you push me down and leave me here?" But also, "But why did you need to make these promises when you didn't mean them and more importantly you were not required to?" But Why?

Days passed, weeks. As you walk your beautiful mountain top path and the other person ascends through rocks and shrubs trying to get themselves back up somehow, you once again get a sense of them.
You ask "Hey you, down there. How are you?"

They are shocked. They are immovable with anger and hurt and disappointment (By now it is all directed at themselves for putting themselves in a vulnerable place like that. Again.) and speechless. They want to say a thousand things. They want to call you names. They want a zillion answers.

No.
They want to know one thing only. "But Why?".
So, for the sake of their curiosity, they tame their anger for a bit and reply " I am fine. Thank you. How about you?"

You reply "Why are you being so formal. Are you mad?"

Now the anger is simmering. The reply "No. Not mad. I was hurt a bit. And I wondered what happened, a lot"

You "Oh. But I am like this. I can't explain. I couldn't come rescue you because I couldn't explain why I pushed you down in the first place."

That's the answer? No reply from down below.

You "So are we cool now?"

Reply "Oh yeah. Sure."
The weird cryptic conversation continues in fragments with no satisfactory answers to either party, one being extremely vague and the other extremely sarcastic.

Finally you ask "So where do we stand now?"

The reply, quiet and thoughtful now, floats up from somewhere below  "I don't know. I really don't know where I am at this moment."
 (There is so much more to say. So much to explain. So much explanation needed. But are you worth it at all? I guess not.)

And then you say "But hey, everything is the same. At least, I am still at the same place always."



Of course you are. You were not the one who was pushed down the cliff, remember? Why wouldn't you still be in the same place up there?

I don't get it.
Why are people so confused and complicated?
How can they be so self centered about everything?

Matters of work and such

I want to do something in life. Something meaningful. Something that gives me satisfaction and not just money. Not a "job" that is a burden along with being my bread and butter. This is not my calling. This is not what I want to keep doing day in and day out for no idea how many more years and die thinking "what the hell did I really DO?" For Me? 

People have been asking me to start thinking about a move, about getting out of this shell and finally moving into the next "better" opportunity. And I want to. I really want to start waking up every day looking forward to work, to get a feeling of accomplishment when I lay my head on the pillow at night and think back, to feel a sense of drive and determination to keep doing what I do, and to achieve whatever I am headed out to achieve. But WHAT better opportunities?! In fact, the right question is, what "opportunities" are really "better" for me.

The thing is, I know that what I am doing is NOT it. For sure. I hate it and usually am here only for the AC, free and excellent WiFi, an awesome friend in my colleague with whom I have some of the most profound, intellectual and fantastic discussions, for the money of course and most importantly for having a place to get out of bed and head to. And it kills me every single day that I am stuck in this place because I "HAVE" to rather than wanting it. So I know it is NOT it. But how do I correct this situation if I don't know what IT IS! No matter how  much I break my head against the wall I am not able to figure out what it is that I really want to do, what will make me happy. 

Somewhere in the back of  my head is the feeling that it is got to be related to doing "some good", to "giving back" and if I really start somewhere  it will head me to the right direction. But the truth is I am afraid to start. I have gotten stuck into this "apathy" of a safe zone that I hate and is boring and frustrating and empty, but a "safe" zone nevertheless. I have a very valid reason that I can give anyone and escape behind. That I can't move into a new city with Sid right now cos he is too young.  It is true. I can't. But seriously, why does that imply that I can't change? Or maybe take a much, much deserved break, do things I like, go to places I want to and in the meanwhile I might, just might, see exactly where I can start from. 

The truth is I am less afraid of the moving and for Sid as I am of breaking out of this safe place that comes with doing what is obvious, what is normal. A "job" is so important in our times not as much for the financial security, as much as it is for the sake of sticking to this "normalcy". I did my engineering, my masters and then stuck to the work that both these have automatically led me to. Nothing out of the way,  nothing "different". And I had no complaints all these years with doing the normal, with living the "one thing led to other" life, with not breaking any rules and raising any eyebrows. But now I have this feeling of "being stuck". Of living in Trivandrum because I'm a single mother to a two year old and "have to do" whatever best I get here and in the "same lines" as my work profile, topped with not wanting to stay at home while my parents run around earning. There is this feeling that life has completely gotten out of  my hands and every single aspect of it has  become a "have to" instead of a want to - Trivandrum, the job, not going out with people, everything.  And I am stuck in the rut cos after the divorce, I really don't want to rock everyone else's boat again!  Again, one of those cases where you do things to be right by everyone else except yourself and then try to find a sense of comfort in being right or unselfish or "doing the right thing". Another one of those cases where every wrong you do in life becomes alright because we all carry that "right by sacrifice" gene in us.

Thing is, I know that no one else can help me realize what is the right thing for me to do. I also know that it is not about keeping my eyes peeled for new job opportunities (My dad asked me yesterday why I didn''t keep checking the "opportunities" page since I have been wanting to change jobs. Oh dad! How do I explain). I think it's more about taking that break, thinking and finding the strength within myself to try something new, for ME. That is the biggest challenge. I know that if I sit to think there might be a few things skimming right there at the top, as things that I would much rather be doing. The real challenge is finding the strength from within to not feel guilty, bad or irresponsible about leaving what I have built up on  for all these years and losing that sense of "stability" that comes from pursuing a career to try something new, to experiment purely for a sense of satisfaction and joy and not for the sake of having a career and money. The biggest challenge is to convince myself that it is not wrong to do things for myself if it feels right for me instead of doing what is defined as the right way by everyone else. The biggest challenge is in not seeing finding my calling as "rocking" someone else's boat and feeling like a failure for doing that (It need not be anyone else's boat at all, really. At least this one must be mine alone to rock. The biggest challenge is to get out of my own safe/comfort zone and finding the willingness to rock the boat some.  

Getting Crafty

Where to go? What to do?
Emptiness, through and through.

For a few months now, I had been going through a very torturous phase. (Nah. I am not talking about THAT torturous phase all over again!) This torturous phase was more monotony, a lack of a purpose except for living and functioning and of course being Sid's mom which in itself is sooo fulfilling; and yet something was missing. I just could not understand this terrible void, an emptiness, considering I had not even a second to spare or to call "empty". Things have gotten so hectic with all the juggling, that I was not even getting time to READ! And yet, I was feeling empty. Like I was not doing anything meaningful.

After a lot of time of feeling like this, thinking, fretting, I finally realized I had to do something that was purely and entirely for me, my time, my space, my fun. No one else needs to "gain" from it and no one else needs to understand it. Appreciation would always be welcome, an added bonus, but it wasn't technically for anyone's approval of appreciation. It just had to be my own craziness. I know reading has always been my escape from this world, a relief, a "me time", for as far back as I can remember. But somehow, now, even that was not enough. In fact I was facing it difficult to even "start" a new book and simply blamed it on lack of time. After a little more of thinking and fretting, I realized I had to create. Do something that was just me, that I could look at and feel proud of. Just for fun and whatever pleasure I derived from the work I put in to create that final product. 

One of the first (and, considering office wi-fi, the easiest,) things I did was to revive my year old, un-updated twitter account and start some tweeting. That went okay in terms of the conversations I had, the nice people I got to interact with, the knowledge I got from it and of course the followers. :D. To be honest, twitter has done so much to my life in the last one year that that it is soon to be a post in itself. Twitter gave me life and turned me around in so many many ways!

No this is NOT my "creation".
Just an image.
Trying a hand at painting?

But what about "creating" was the question and to this I tried the obvious answer. I have (very intelligently) given up on myself on the drawing/sketching department a long long ago. So I decided to try my hand at some painting. Right away, a lot of drawing books, papers, brushes,  oil colors, water colors, pastels, everything was bought, creation started, tried, tested and then kept aside with a promise of getting back to it with more regularity  (this has been about 6 months now. Sigh!). I did manage some "not too bad" pieces (by my own standards) but it still didn't do anything for that "something missing" feeling. 

Then there was this blog. An old old one I had started but never felt like updating as I never seemed to know what to write about (somehow 140 characters of randomness seemed easier at this point), for whom to write and my inherent laziness to type. I also had my kiddo blog that I had started so as to log his growth stages and events, but that was also lying abandoned for an year now (And he is just 2 years old!) I have been very very lazy and to be honest, inattentive of myself and my interests. Somehow the emptiness in my head translated to the emptiness of the blogs as well.

I also bought myself a notebook and started writing (writing?! I think I had forgotten how to, with all the typing I have been doing!), hoping this might get some creativity flowing as against staring at a blank white blog page. This was fun for some time, but then slowly that also got boring. Probably, it was still not something tangible enough, for me.

And amidst all this confusion and emptiness I hit upon Pinterest (Thank God for office Wi-fi again). To those who do use it, I need not explain how crazily addictive it can be. First thing that took a hit was tweeting (and no, I am not even going to talk about my work). I was spending my whole day poring over pins and making scores and scores of "To-do"s. Just the ideas on Pinterest were mind blogging enough to keep me occupied for days on end without feeling an emptiness what so ever.

  Oh! The things people did! 

The things I could do "one day" when things were not so busy! 

I wanted to do "this" and then "that" and then "this too" and like that the pinning continued. And I was so excited.

Then in a few weeks of this excessive pinning I came across crochet projects on Pinterest, first a few and then an abundance of it everyday. Now, we had been taught some basic crocheting back at school during an hour called Socially Useful Productive Work or SUPW, which we used to (fondly) called Some Useful Period Wasted. (Now how much "use" we put those other periods to, don't even ask). And I also remembered that I used to quite enjoy it. So much so that I had made mom buy me an abundance of yarn and a couple of needles. Yup, equally enthusiastically wasteful me, then and now!

Well, coming back, Pinterest re-introduced me to Crochet and then I realized that time or no time I HAD TO start making something. Out came the old needles (call them a waste but they were there when I needed it) and the nearly impossible mission of finding yarn in this hot and humid region. But, that was also tackled thanks to some tiny corner shops hidden inside major market places that have all inane and "not very useful" tictacs and of course, the internet! And just like that,my crocheting experiments started. They started with the usual granny squares and moved onto slightly better projects whose details I intend to keep updating, with pictures, in more posts.

Along with crocheting, I also started implementing small little "home improvement", "recycling" and other such small scale "DIYs" that you keep coming across Pinterest. And guess what, I have been feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to come up with this stuff. 

It is not much to show. I haven't done any of those big beautiful projects Pinterest is full of. But now I can't wait to get started on something that big and in the mean time I am completely happy with myself doing these small little things everyday, "creating" stuff and making myself proud along with pinning more and more probable projects for later. Something new to do tomorrow. Something new to do in the future. A small project. A little purpose. It means so much to be. And the funniest thing? From the time I have started these craft experiments, these little games with yarns and fabric and needles and glue and color and scissors, I have also gotten back to reading more, updating the blog (at least the kiddo one) more and basically enjoying whatever little time I get for myself and with kiddo that much more. I guess, I have been living a little more. 

Fly Away Emotions...

There is a part of my story, one of the most important parts really, that I have not introduced in this space. The post I wrote yesterday is my first mention of that here. It is the story of my marriage. Rather, the pain and trauma I went through in the last one year alone because of certain developments that happened in this "marriage". During that pain, during those days of darkness and loneliness, during the first two unbearable months of confusion and insult and losing respect for self, tears and loneliness, I took refuge in just letting my emotions flow on a blank white screen. 

Finally today, I have added those 3 months of my life as a page in this blog call The Pain. It is nothing but emotions that I could not control or comprehend in those couple pf months. The ones that probably might have been shared with a sister or a close friend. But, A. I don't have either. And B. I have not been very comfortable letting my emotions show to this raw an extent to another individual. Finally however, I decided this should be out here so that people who read this know me, know my life. I also felt that this should be out here so that if any guy who is planning to cheat or simply be insensitive and inattentive, reads this, he learns to do the right thing because now he knows the emotions the girl goes through before recovering and firmly locking him and these emotions out of her life forever. But mostly, I decided to put it here because this phase is over. Decisions are still to be taken, things are yet to be put in action, but I'm not in pain, self doubt or trauma and I have more or less put the emotions and unfortunately, the person firmly out of my heart and mind (so to speak. Cannot be completely done due some practical considerations). Right now I love that I went through this also cos this has also made me what I am today. More important than making me, this has shown me, me. Made me fall in love with me. Made me respect me and believe (no matter how conceited it sounds) that I am a much much better, warmer, stronger and truer person that I knew I ever was and than most I have ever met.

By publishing this, I am basically releasing the last remaining bit of that pain and that (shame?) that I had kept hidden from the world. This is also me, dear world. This is also what i have felt and gone through. And I am proud of being this, and coming out of this and now being the me I am. So there!. :D

My 2009...Bye 2009

Been trying to get this article comleted since the 31st, but somehow never got the right words to express this very happening year!

 It is the beginning of a new year (yet again), and hence, that time of the year when most of us get into a retrospective frame of mind combined with an eager and hopeful eye towards a happy and prosperous 'New Year'. Today, in retrospection of the year that just went by, I realised it was one of those which turned a lot of things in my life completely around and hence could not be allowed to pass by unmentioned...

With its share of laughter and tears, of new dreams and plans made and broken, achievements and losses and many many (too many) lessons, here is a final looking back to 2009...

 The Year of the Most Difficult People: Last year had me dealing with a bunch of the most difficult and tiresome people I have ever had to deal with in the previous 25 years of my life all put together. (Kindly note: difficult and tiresome are the nicest things I have said about these people). The most important contributors were:

* My immediate boss ( I loved my job and firm till I met this abominable character!)

* My last client (I never liked singaporeans much before, but this did it! forgive me for the generalisation.)

* Some extremely difficult people to "work with" as my team (kindly note the quotes)

The most ruffian bunch of contractors I have had to deal with ever. And, the icing on the cake -all these came together in one single project - that shook the living daylights out of my "I am crazy about my job" attitude...

The Year of Fear and Heartache: Yeah, thanks to the 'global recession' and subsequent down cutting, I lived through the entire year expecting, at any moment, to be called into my boss's cabin at and being asked to leave - for ever. The fact that this man had the habit of calling us (individually) for the most useless (2-3 hour long) "update me on your project so I can update my bosses" discussions, only added to constant tremors and chills at regular intervals...This is the time of the year (thanks to difficult people and horrible situations) I spent simultaneously not liking my job and still not wanting to be thrown out.

* There was the heartache of hearing a lot of names that had been suddenly called into such meeting rooms and informed not to come back to work from the next day.
* There was the heartache of realizing and exeriencing a lot of things that I was blissfully unaware off while working earlier, that made me sadly turn from 'crazed about my job' to 'oh, this is such a pain'.
* There was also the heartache of knowing that on many occassions I was being played like a puppet and had no options but to walk or allowed to be played.

The Year of Tears and Embarassement: It has always been the one thing I HATE doing in front of other people (I NEVER allow others to see me cry); but the fears, heartaches, stress, helplessness and desperation (all related to my much 'loved' job) saw me shed a tear too many in front of some people that I am embarassed to think back about now. Makes me wish I had left before I did that...

The Year of the Fun Trips: The last year was one peppered with many many memorable and fun visits from friends and relatives staying over at our little home. With them we experienced some wonderful long drives to and even more wonderful stays at Bangalore, Mahabaliuram, Pondychery, Trivandrum, Resorts at ECR exloring temples, palaces dams, arks, boating and what not. The year was full of lovely meetings with old friends and amazing trips. These memories shall last forever...and hopefully so shall the friendships...

The Year of Humungous Changes: There have been so many Major changes that came about in 2009 that it has been a complete roller coster ride:

* One of the first big change was my heart finally taking over my brain (or was it the other way round? Im still not sure) and deciding that after 3 years I really didn't deserve the treatment I recieved and hence deciding to leave my job. 
* Then there were the huge plans and steps taken towards starting a new venture, which were later deemed not feasible and dropped...a lot of studies, discussions, drives, plans and finally all get dropped...Change and more change...
* Then came the big bang news that changed all other plans (of finding a new job that I had been interviewed and selected for in chennai and so on) - the confirmation of a step towards another supreme job, motherhood...
* Then, even as we were fretting over my managing in Chennai at home in this stage while Pradeep worked long hours, came an even bigger announcement of his having landed a job and shifting to trivandrum
* The final big change was ofcourse, shifting base from Chennai to Trivandrum, getting used to living at home, expecting, sitting idle and all other adjustments that came with living at home....

The Year of Realization, Shocks and Acceptance of People: 2009 has been big on lessons (mainly regarding people):

* It taught me that the people we are closest to, shall still "always" put themselves before us and are actually very different to what we might havethought of them to be forever in our life.
* Once I came upon the many things "not to like" about these people, was shocked at my own blindness all these years, fretted over the 'adjustments' one had to make owing to ones situations, eventually, I learned that patience, acceptance and tolerance were the only tools that would make relations last and be stress free...(and mind you these are strong blood ties I am talking about).
* It was also an year that taught me to make new friends or contact old friends with absoluteley no expectations of long lasting friendships. This year with many people who came and went through it, taught me that friendships mostly meant "to be there when needed" and hope that you shall be remembered forever...

I sign out from this year with a lot of lessons learnt,

And many a happy moments earned.

With a Heavy heart for the many goodbyes

But also with new hopes and dreams shining bright in my eyes.....

I enter 2010, wiser with many lessons learnt from tough experiences; tougher for the difficult situations and people (those I decided to leave for good and those I learnt to love despite everything), somehow hardened with many realizations and shocks but still happier and full of Hope for the expected and the unforeseen...

Heres Wishing you all a slightly belated but a very Magical 2010....

Experiences...Beyond Explanation

Many a times have I found myself in a situation where I try to explain certain experiences or just some regular aspects of my life, expecting people to know exactly what I am talking about and nod in agreement, just to realize that I seem to be making no sense whatsoever. The whole aspect is completely lost on those who haven't 'been there and done that'. There used to be a time that I would get very worked up if I failed to explain their importance and advantages. But, over the years I have learned to accept that these same things can seem to be absolutely irrelevant to others, in fact a majority of the others. But, I still wish everyone could experience these at least once and know what they have been missing out in their lives (acceptance is relative...*smiles).Well, to each his own...

So today, I decided I should make a list of some of these irreplaceable, indispensable, the most routine and yet the most precious aspects of my life...

1. Just the other day, I'd been sitting among friends-coffee, conversation et. al, and a couple of us

started talking about pets. I for one have grown up among pet dogs from when I was about 7 and can't imagine life any other way. I can't imagine coming back home not being greeted like the king of the world amidst tail wagging, jumping, whining and licking!

I can't imagine not being loved as unconditionally as that, no expectations, no responsibilities, no grudges and hurt. 'Just be around and I'l love you starry eyed for ever'. Who in today's world love's anyone at all like that? Not in any human relationships for sure...

I can't imagine missing out on the companionship and closeness of the warmth near your feet, the paw on your lap, the occasional wet licks and just the happy presence.

Also, as a kid, dealing with these lovely friends who cant speak, express or understand (but still seem to do just that), taught me patience, understanding, compassion and empathy ...Our home has never felt emptier when one of these furry darlings have not been around. Life with a Pet Dog definitely Tops my charts for the best experiences in the world, but one that you need to experience to understand. :)

2. Coming up a close second would be losing myself amidst the pages of a good book...Whether it is after a hard days work, right before hitting the bed or if its on days like today when I have little else to occupy myself with, nothing can give me more fulfillment and peace than to allow myself to travel the world through the words of a good writer, to meet and know new characters, to feel what they feel, to experience the adventures and emotions and get transported to a new time and place at the turn of each page.I can't start to explain to those who haven't or don't enjoy the experience, but I agree with all my heart with the person who said that"Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how toread a book".

3. Some time back, Pradeep and I did a 14-16 hr Chennai Trivandrum road trip. In fact, it wasn't even our first. But the reactions from most of our friends and well wishers when they heard about it were different variations of "are you out of your mind", "what where you two thinking", "why in the world would you do something so unnecessary" and so forth...all delivered with raised eyebrows and incredulous looks. Well, what can one say? The adventure, the thrill, the excitement of stopping at new places, to eat and freshen up, asking for directions, looking for road signs, the music playing, and the togetherness in that small space with no tv, cooking, cleaning, work-calls or anything else to bother you can not be equaled by many other experiences...

Whats more, even this one is a second nature to me thanks to being from a very adventurous family in the matter of long trips. On various occasions, when I was somewhere between 3 years and 9 years old, my parents, our huge Labrador retriever and I have all pooled into our tiny Maruti 800 for 3-4 days road trips from Delhi to kerala and Back, Jabalpur to Kerala and so on and so forth every time my dad would get transferred to a new place. And guess the main purpose of not taking a train? Well, just that trains had horrible facilities to take care of the canine member of our family. (Back to my point 1)*smiles. And this was back in mid to late eighties when the roads were bad, there was no inhabitance for miles n miles, no facilitites like road signs and mobile phones and you wouldnt see another vehicle for hours together, no restaurants and hotels peppering roadsides, we stopped at dhabas for our meals.

Even as I write this I can imagine the eyes of many of the people reading this article, widening in shock and disbelief, and thoughts similar to ones quoted above running through your minds. But guess what, the lessons, joys, adventures, the adjustments, the closeness and the spirit of such an experience is something one will treasure the whole of their life...

4. Since this has gone long enough already, I'l end the article with this last one, and that is my life

as an army kid. Now typically, army kids in our country have been described as " (defense) brats", "spoilt", "over confident" etc on the one hand and "overly disciplined" and so forth on the other. Well, whatever the descriptions, the process of growing up as a 'defense kid' can second none.

Since its practically impossible to compare and list out all the differences and meaning of the process called "growing up' as a defense kid without starting a new article, I'm just going to try and mention a few of the important aspects:

Let's see:

• being exposed to the importance of ranks, seniors and subordinates, orders, discipline, adherence to strict uniforms and so on very very early in life, consciously or sub-consciously.
• Attending parties, knowing the difference between formal dress code functions and casual get - togethers, learning to wish everyone as soon as you meet
• Importance of taking up some kind of sports when you see all the adults around you do the same,
• Regular picnics, shopping at the canteen, dinners at the Mess, being able to run around the whole cant. relatively unsupervised just because of the safety of being inside the area knowing everyone knows whose son/daughter you are,
• knowing almost ALL of your neighbours - playing with the kids, visiting them, eating over, sleep overs and so on. and this could be never ending.
• But most important to me was the adjustments that came with moving around once every 2-3 years, making new friends in a jiffy, accepting new people and places and settling in without any fuss, getting used to new ways and patterns without complaints, keeping in touch with old friends through letters trying to keep a track of when they have shifted cities, all of which teaches a kid of that age important traits of "adjustment", "acceptance", "compromises", "mingling with others", "meeting, talking and making new friends" and so on......

Well, when I started writing this article, it was meant to be just a list, but as i kept on, it occured to me that each of these experiences are only mean the most precious to me (along with being the most difficult for me to describe the importance of to others), but have also shaped me into the person I am today. Each and every single one of them has taught me something new and instilled in me some quality or the other, good or bad(*wink)...and I am very thankful for these and other experiences that I have been able to experience in this short life of mine and for everything they have given me.

(And once again, I wish everyone would try these at least once in their lives before judging us mad *smiles...)

Silenced By Silence

Somehow I have not been able to put into words the many thoughts, emotions and events that seem to be occurring around me all these days, while I seem to be floating through my life enveloped in a misty hazy cloud.

These past few days, I have not even been able to analyze or comprehend

anything that I have been hearing or seeing or even thinking. Every time I open my blog page attempting to write down a thought or event, I merely end up on a read quest. I managed to increase my list of 'blogs to follow' and have been reading away and envying the ease with which all the others have been able to understand and express right from their souls. But even this journey into other's hearts has failed to enable me to sort out my thoughts and put them on this blank white screen.

I have been pondering the many topics that have crept into the space in my head - from world affairs, to books Iv been reading, to the movies iv been seeing, to conversations Iv been having and most importantly, the silence surrounding most of my days, as thats when my thoughts speak to me the best. But, somehow I haven't gotten the drive or the inspiration to go beyond a few words on anything, leaving a trail of drafts in my posts list.

What I fear the most is letting this new, drawn out silence to encompass every aspect of self expression known to me, leaving me with only enough strength for absorbing feelings of complete strangers.

I wonder if I'm drifting further away from this unexpected, unnerving present that I am in, and losing myself in the strange silent abyss...

Or maybe, its just 'one of those days'.... spreading out over more days each time....till later

Married to a Chef

Yeah, so my husband is a Chef...that too at the Taj...Wow! any girls dream right? Oh! To be married to a guy who cooks for you! Well, this article is presented to break some common myths regarding the "advantages" of being married to "Hot Guys who Cook" (to quote from the name of a television series) for all you lovely dames out there; And I am sure all the other lovely dames who are married to a chef would resonate and empathise with every word.

Now, one of the most common and hence most irritating question I have been asked about a zillion times, comes from these giggly, gushing ladies going ga ga and wondering in very excited high pitched tones, with eyes wide open, "ooooooh So he cooks at home? I'm sure you get to eat a lot of fancy things at your own home right!" Oh well sweet ones - who dream of putting your feet up and watching you favorite soaps while your husbands in aprons produce magical, fancily plated pastas and what not in front of you - the answer is a BIG, EMPHATIC "NO"!!!

First of all, being a Chef in ANY hotel in India means, you have no time limits to your work. You have to be there at the hotel when others eat, when others celebrate great holidays, when others want to throw a party and when others want to enjoy a weekend. Which means, you are hardly home with your own family to do any of those things, including eating a meal, let alone "cook".

So the underline is, if I have to eat, I have to cook. And that will be non-fancy survival food like rice, dal, some vegetable chopped and fried and our main survival tools - curd and pickles -meant to eat and live.

Secondly, our lovely 5 star chefs, being so familiar with 5 star burners and ranges and 500 types of knives for cutting, chopping and sheering different things, and 5 star pots n pans n utensils and what not, CANNOT survive in our basic Indian home kitchens. They are lost having to work on 2- burner kitchen stoves, with only the basic human size kadais, non-stick pans to cook in and one or two knives that cut and sheer everything! Ohhh no...how does one manage???!!!

So, rather than standing around explaining that you have to cook that also in that pan, and this knife can cut that vegetable as well, and arguing about "how do you manage" and "how can you not manage, its simpler and hence easier" - you might just go ahead and do it yourself. Save some lost souls in the process. :)

Now, since the guys are less bothered about cooking at home and are more keen about how to spend money on eating an drinking out, my friends of the male kind have another common myth, which goes something like this - " Hey arch, lucky you! so you get to eat free food at the Taj all the time right!". Once again my answer would be another Big Emphatic No!. I have, in the last 3 years of marriage, eaten at my Husband restaurant about 2 times. And though the food was very very enjoyable and the experience was very unique- with most of the guests staring at me in surprise wondering who this important lady might be whom all the other chefs (read my husband friends) are coming and greeting so frequently - it was not like that is my regular food fest. Plus, it turned out to be boring as my husband himself would refuse to accompany me at a table in his own restaurant. Eating alone in a 5 star, being stared at by all the other guests was not really one of the most pleasurable experiences.

So ladies, overall, my life with regards to cooking and eating has been very plain and simple -eating self cooked home food like most other wives and in fact even more sad as I eat it alone most of the times. It hurts you even more when you celebrate Christmas and New Year and Diwali and valentines and everything else alone at home as your husband is out there working hard trying to help others celebrate in style.

Well, hoping that I have not done a lot of damage by disheartening and disillusioning you damsels out there, I think I do owe you a list of some of the good things as well.

First of all, since our guys get so little opportunities to eat at home, the times that they do get to eat, its a pleasure to cook for them, even if it is just en dal n curry n the usual. For them, if you serve anything in the name of "ghar ka khaana" it will be highly appreciated. Well, this one is also case specific cos if your husband is a trained Indian Chef, then it may also lead to criticism. But that way I am lucky as my chef at home is not too keen with Indian cooking himself. So everything that is palatable in the name of home food, however simple that is, as long as it is not burnt and spoilt, you can get away with as classic cuisine.

Secondly, once I have convinced him that a particular knife can actually cut a vegetable very effectively and he is in the mood to help, I get my vegetables cut in under 30 seconds. An activity I dislike the most in my cooking process, that I find the most painful and time consuming. So that is a HUGE Boon.

Moreover, though I did mention earlier that they are hardly ever home for the big festivals and celebration, Pradeep has, over the last 2 new years eve and valentines day, managed to sneak in a few seconds before 12 am, with a lovely gooey, chocolate cake right out of La Patisserie (The taj bakery) and though we didn't spend the whole day together, that gesture has been the most beautiful. Especially if you are regular readers (there are hardly a few I know, but feels good to write those words ;)) you would know that chocolate cakes are one of my top 20 favourite things.

Another thing is, for the life of me and irritation of others who eat out with me, I cannot read a menu and decide what I want to order in a restaurant. So whenever we eat out (and again the regular readers know this is another favourite), having a chef alongside who knows exactly what means what and it suits my taste or not is the biggest boon for me...

Another unique experience has been partying after human hours. Be it one of their colleagues birthdays, send off parties or whatever occasion, the only time everyone gets to get together and party is after something like 2 am when no one in their right minds visits 5 star coffee shops most of the times. Though I was not sure whether to put this in the advantage or disadvantage sessions, as it drastically affects the bloody clocks of normal human beings like us, it has been a very unique experience to be visiting the nocturnal kinds and their parties.

Finally, though my chance of dining at my Pradeep's Hotel has been very limited, I have visited and eaten at more 5 start hotels in the last 1 year than I have in the last 25 years before. This is specifically because when we visit Pradeep's friends (college mates, old colleagues etc.) and as usual they are working all the time, the best thing to do is to visit them at their hotels, which in turn means you eat there and more often than not get the specials.

So signing off on that nice note....damsels, continue dreaming bout marrying the "hot guys who cooks" but only for the right reasons.

25 unimportant Facts About Me

Well,to be very honest, I flicked this idea from so many other blogs. I hereby list out 20 useless facts about myself:

1. I’m Thinking All the Time. If you catch me thinking and ask what I was thinking about, I may never be able to remember. I Think too much into each situation, incident, comments, remarks, individuals and just about everything.

2. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong continent. Ha ha...point 1.

3. I do believe that tough times make you a stronger individual. But most of the times I know I don't mind being weak only if it meant I never had to face tough times.

4. My music taste is pretty eclectic – it ranges from old Hindi melodies to English pop to some hip-hop to some rock and all the way back again.

5. My favorite getaway from this world is reading. I feel very uncomfortable and jittery when I'm not reading a book.However, my reading taste, like music, is very eclectic.

6. I hate tomato - Raw and Cooked!

7. The only sport I have been bearably good at is swimming.

8. I ADORE Dogs, especially Labs.

9. I get terrible migraine especially with severe sun exposure, strong smells, scent of jasmine, certain wines etc.

10. I keep meaning to learn many things - to play the violin, to dance different dance forms, to paint and so on.

11. My favorite colour varies among shades of blue.

12.Sights of cruelty to animals feels like a physical blow to me. I get so effected I can't think of anythings else for days with the sights and sounds haunting me.

13. I love chocolate cakes. They are truly Heaven on Earth

14. I am too much a "Home" person. Nothing better for me than just lazing away at home.

15. My friends call me "The Counsellor." I wish I could counsel some sense into myself most of the times

16. I am not a TV Buff.

17. I cant wink with my right eye.

18. I love to spend time in water. Be it the Sea or a Swimming Pool. I'm at my best elements when I'm in water.

19. I LOVE travelling and seeing places. As long as I'm going back home in a few days.

20. I can spend days together playing silly online computer games.

21. I just can't seem to learn to whistle.

22. I get so home sick even at this day and age that I cry my guts out for 3-4 weeks before getting used to a new place.

23. I am shy when in large numbers. I can only talk in a comfortable group of 2-3. More than that and I cant seem to make a conversation. But, I can give presentations to big crowds.

24. I aspire to open an animal shelter some day.

25. I love to try out new cuisines. Eating out at different places is my favorite evening out activity.

A Saturday in Office

This blog originated in my office on a Saturday because I could not think of what else to do to ward off these major bouts of sleep that were assaulting me. Not the best place to have my creating energy flowing but this at least helped keep my eyes open on a very boring and non-productive day and hour when none of my official mails or phone calls were drawing any responses. How we landed ourselves into this yawning, un-productive predicament today? Cos on Thursday the ruling party of Tamil nadu decided that bringing an entire state in India to a standstill would somehow help the plight of the Tamilians in SriLanka.

Well not getting into my opinions regarding this political jumble, my office decided to compensate for the one days loss by making us work on a Saturday. Since more than 50% of the people did not turn up anyways, since none of our other offices where our big bosses and other colleagues sit were working and since none of our clients were also working, what this helped to do was only to maintain that minimum number of working days that every city office is to maintain in an year.

So here I am writing a blog about nothing at all, surrounded by some colleagues on personal calls (stealing the sleeps of their friends and family because they couldn't catch their own), some others typing personal mails, some others sitting in cafeteria chatting away and some with their heads on their desks - simply dozing...

The Day of the Deppressing SMS

And just when I needed it the least. At a time when I could really do with some funny messages and nice laughs, today for some reason it felt like Archies Gallery has announced "The depressing SMS Day" to add to the list 730 days in an year!
One of the sms sent by a very close friend of mine went something like this "3 Stages of Life: TEENS - Have Time and Energy but no Money; WORKERS- Have Energy and Money, but no time & OLDIES-Have time and Money, but no Energy" - My first reaction? How depressing!!! What the hell is the whole point of our whole existence if we will never have all 3 together...Ohh no!!! But as I had already decided to not get affected by all the negativity around, I completely blinked away the message and let it go...
In another 15 minutes, a long lost friend suddenly remembered me. I'm sure we have all experienced that uplifting feeling when we are feeling really down and out of the blue, this long lost friend suddenly gets in touch with you. I always felt that it was the best way to feel better immediately - Just chat up with an Old Friend.
Well coming back to the topic - this friend of mine gets in touch with me through an sms which went something like this "When you are in light, everything follows you. But when you enter darkness, not even your shadow stands by you". What???!!! Thank You!!!
I mean, it doesn't even rhyme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could have I screamed or what. And all this on the day my favourite office person was in one of his absolutely worst "I'm-really-dumb-but you-have-to-listen-to-my-speech-for-4-hours-today". And after my 4 hours are wasted, I get another "what-were-you-doing-the-whole-day" speech!!!
And, icing on the cake-the ends with an sms from this above mentioned favourite person which goes something like this "at time of crisis, your days should be a lot more productive than today"...Ohhhh wow....