When Expectations Replace Love

Sometimes sorrow just falls into a "typical" bracket, a standard category. So standard that you don't even know what to say to the person undergoing the pain because it is so prevalent that it has almost become normal.

The other day I was listening to an extremely hurt, really sad elder sibling, who, unfortunately for him, happened to be governed by the "useless" traits of caring, family connections, love, attachments etc. while the younger sibling happened to be an over achiever in every "important" sense. The younger one had never really believed in attachments and gestures as "achievements" got him everything, way more than his elder brother ever got at home. He thrived on being admired and appreciated and learnt very early that 'being  nice' is such a waste. And the factor that made things just so, the source of admiration to one and pain to the other was your "typical Indian" father. (I know that is a sad generalization but I am sticking to the father from "Taare Zameen Par" image) This father had always, always been super proud of the achiever son and always looked down upon, judged, mocked and basically emotionally disowned the elder one leaving the mother to make him feel cared and wanted. ("bilkul tumhaarey upar gaya hai" phenomenon).

"And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to our expectations"

And, in case of this young man I was speaking to, as if dealing with the shadow of an over achieving younger sibling and a dad who turned a blind eye to, even worse, disapproved of, his (not so relevant) achievements his entire life were not bad enough, the one "safe place", the person who made home, home, the one friend and guide and strength, his mother, had passed away two years back. He was alone. Un-understood. Unloved. And hurting. The son was hurting among this bunch of heartless/emotionless strangers whose 'being strangers' itself made the pain and loneliness and abandonment of the mother's leaving much much worse for him. Cos he was the kind who cared.  To him, his mother was the screen between this constant disapproval and shame, and her going  not only took away her own presence but also exposed him to this stark, ugly empty side of his life.

So I heard him relate yet another incident in a lifelong line of incidents where his dad let him know of his disappointment and distrust. 

And what could I say to him? That it is okay? NO! It is not. It cannot be okay, ever. All you parents out there, different kids have different feelings. And if you can't see and love each of them for being what they are, instead of what you believe is ideal, then it's not them, it is YOU who are a pathetic failure in life. Today you might need your achiever son for your own sense of pride and achievement. And yet, tomorrow, when you are old and withered, who do  you think will give you any kind of emotional, "I am there for you" feeling, (buddhhaape ka sahara) support, appreciation for everything you have been through and done, and care?  The cold-hearted, over-achieving, 'I do everything for my own benefit and succeed' kid you have been so proud of all your life? Hah. Dream On!

And in all this you think you are doing wrong only by one son? You have made one of them feel abandoned,  unloved even "useless" his whole life which he has spent trying to, needing to impress you and see a spark of acceptance, pride and even  love from you. The sense of "failure" you have given that one is obvious. But what about the other? You think his academic, even career achievements, will be all he will need his whole life? You have made a monster who, right now, thinks all there is to life is "achievements". The only emotion  he thinks exists, or matters, is a sense of pride in one self and seeing  it reflected in others. What about love,  laughter, joy in small things (oh! but that is sissy), companionship, family values? You have made another YOU. An extremely unhappy, emotionally deprived, ice of a "human being" who will be another pain point to his own family. A lonely, never understood, never appreciated wife (who might eventually leave him anyways. This is the next generation, you know.) and more unhappy, either over competitive or lost in life kids, who might also eventually disown him for different reasons.  When will  this cycle end?! It is NOT ok. He will end up being the most lonely man ever and at a stage of life when he won't have his mother to screen him  from this bleakness and give him a home, a safe place.

What do I say to him? Not to get upset because it is the most common aspect of Indian parenthood? How can I say that? That is the biggest aspect of "upset" in today's Indian kids. These parents who don't really love them. Who either love their Grades or don't  love anything about them at all.

What do I say to him? 

He will feel bad. So will a million others. Some of them even hang themselves everyday.

And no, change will NOT come in the manner of every single kid learning to fit into the standard mold you want to fit them in (though the increasing statistics of stress and depression and suicide among children does suggest that you are succeeding.) The change will come when you, the parents, learn to love your children for what they are, for what they can do, for their innocence, for just being. And then they will excel, they will excel as happy, loved, satisfied individuals. They will succeed because of love and appreciation and support, not  because of fear and shame.

Should we Cry Some More?

There is interference. And then there is a height of interference. 

In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.

Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.

What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.

Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?! 

My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!

To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical  Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind. 

Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and  "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?!  She might as well  be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life! 

Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you? 

Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life? 

Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.

As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic. 

The other phases

There is this big thing hanging in the air that I must write about. I have written about it by beating about the bush in terms of the feelings and pain I went through, in terms of another blog while I was going through it, and probably about other related issues, but never gotten to the  point. And I think it's more so because I am incapable of getting to the point with respect to this topic because there are so many many many angles to it. Major and minor irritations that affect you from various directions, multiple doubts and confusions eat at you, the guilt associated is killing you all the time, and the emotions. How does one write something that does justice to all these various pain points or manage to discuss just one of those without dragging in every single interrelated aspect.

Well, here is how one talented writer  (Yes,  cos that is definitely NOT me.) did it.  This article from a weekly column at Livemint, called Dancing Divorcee, had me vigorously nodding my head at each and every word spoken there. Of course, it doesn't deal with the emotional trauma and doubts much, that the individual felt, and instead deals with the other irritants that prevail - Another angle of the whole pain. And how! Cos I wanted to say all these things, but could never have said it better, I request you all to read up on this article for sure. So read on...

"After the most difficult thing in the world of divorce, i.e. deciding to get one, the second most difficult thing is telling the parents. Especially, if like me, you come from a ‘normal’ middle-class family.

They don’t get it, they never will. My mother, still occasionally speaks about how angry she is with the Ex. In our world, a divorce is SEP — Somebody Else’s Problem. It never comes home. It’s what is spoken of in hushed tones about far-off relatives when you meet other far-off relatives. read more....."

It's so true, every single bit of it that associated people (read: mothers) go through. The shock, the disbelief that "this can't be happening to us", the shame associated with "how do we tell people", the shame associated with "failure"(we failed, our daughter failed etc.), the blame - "Why didn't you tell us before it got to this point so we could have solved it", then finally attributing all  blame to the guy, the emotional blackmail -  "we all have gone through these feelings but we put up with things for you, "the kids" first.", then the pain associated with the final "telling" to other people. And through all these emotional stages I have only my mother in mind. Cos just as in that article, my dad's main stand was "Well, at the end of it if you don't want it, you can't do it for anyone else. Don't listen to others. They will have their own reasons and a hundred opinions to back their reasons. You can only do what you feel is right for you." My dad also asked me "You are thinking of Sid, of us,  of everything else. The problem is, who is thinking of you, your happiness?" And as the article says "For that, I will love him forever and there will always be a daughter’s gratitude to destiny, for providing me with the best dad in the world.

Destiny, just @%#*ed-up a bit on the husband."