Of Egos, Complexes and Complications

Ego is such a messy thing. How difficult a colleague, a partner, a friend, family, even, just a person, you tend to become when you are carrying around this terrible weight of 'self'. How difficult and hated. How inconvenient to be around.

We have a colleague around here. Every time he asks for money for various site expenses, the accounts guys have no options but to ask for bills, clarifications, explanations etc. because that is the procedure. That is their job. However, every time he IS asked, a fight ensues - they are "doubting" him, are "implying that he is cheating and lying", they looked at him a particular way, smiled a particular way, they verified things with each other regarding the process while he was sitting there, he didn't like the "words" that were used or even the "tone". In short, he believes the world doesn't 'respect him enough'. One day he came for getting signatures on some papers and the concerned person was out. He asked the account guy for money without the signatures, which was naturally refused. He started screaming and shouting and saying he wasn't being respected enough and made to run around and what not. And all this is very justified inside his head. he is still right and the world is unjust and out to get him.

It's sad really. He walks into the room and people cringe and escape. During these fights he happens to say  things like "They respect me, but you guys treat me badly". And when he is gone, people here call and say to people there 'you guys respect him, eh?' and there are major guffaws all around. It is really sad. 

I don't understand how people live their whole lives in this self constructed mess of complexes and egos and self deceit. It must be such a heavy burden. Such listless sleep and so much worry thinking who hates him for whom. so much paranoia and so much self-pity. Its so complicated.

• First, YOU think (in some cases know) you are actually not good enough and some people are simply doing you a favor by being nice. 
• You grudge them their superior position and their "favors".
• You also envy everyone around you who is actually good, and who get accolades, and who seems comfortable in their own skins and have no complaints.
• You hate people who don't sit down and crib and cry and agree with you. 
• Then you work hard. But, the purpose of your hard work is not a good project or accolades in line of your efforts, but a self deceiving process to make yourself and others believe that you actually are good enough (even better) than those in power.
• Then, when your efforts get you recognition for your hard work from the very same people, you are still not satisfied and grudge them the position where they can actually applaud your work from their superior positions.
• You are constantly unsatisfied, feel like the world is not just, scream about your efforts wherever you can and "demand" respect and attention and crib and shout to whoever is around.
• In the process, people actually take notice of you, start disrespecting you and look down upon you and some even start treating you in the exact same way that you had imagined you were being treated in the first place.

Ugh! What a shit load of useless thinking and efforts. And why?!

I have only one thing to say about this. If you really want people to love and respect you, to want to talk to you and enjoy the conversation, for friends and family to visit your house and make you feel included, it all starts with you accepting yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, good and bad, loving yourself and most importantly, being comfortable in your own skin. Know yourself and love yourself. If you are confused about who you are, how will others ever know you. If you are uncomfortable being you, that shows. And then everyone else is uncomfortable being with you. 

My Latest Earworm

My latest ear-worm. Oh yes a Malayalam song, who would have thought?! :D

No, seriously. Lately I am discovering and seriously falling in love with a lot of Malayalam movie songs all thanks to this new genre in Malayalam. What new genre, you say. It is the never before heard happy, peppy, fun and yet melodious numbers. Many recent movies I managed to catch these days have really really enjoyable music. 

I have had very limited exposure to Malayalam songs. But among whatever I had heard from the the few cassettes my parents kept, gave me this impression that all the well loved, popular Malayalam numbers are all ...well...sad. It was like people believed that good songs should either be classical or sad. By sad I don't mean every single one was based on tragedy or heartbreak or any bad incident. It's just that even the songs sung on happy occasions, or melodious romantic numbers seemed to not be peppy and fun. I agree, this is very taste specific.And once again, I repeat, there definitely are very many beautiful exceptions and not just that, I admit that all these songs also have many, many takers. However, that was and to quite some extent continues to be my overall impression about all Malayalam music. That it is slow and sad a little depressing and haunting at times. And the ones that were made for real fun loud occasions were just that, loud and noisy. so it was like:

Melodious song for even happy occasions = slow and sad sounding though with beautiful (though sad) music and happy lyrics.

Fast numbers for fun occasions = loud and brash. Absent of any kind of aesthetic quality.

What seemed to be missing was melodious, soothing and beautiful, aesthetically done songs that were also fun, fast and peppy.

Throughout this article I'm not trying to say that one kind of music is bad and the other is good. I'm just saying that I didn't enjoy Malayalam music till now cos:

1. I had no access to new Malayalam music and all my impressions are based on cassettes and compilations (Best of 1991, Best of Yesudas etc.). So, the chances are that I might have missed out on a lot many many songs.

2. Well, basically, my personal choice. i like happy peppy numbers. Even the romantic, melodious ones should sound HAPPY.

And then suddenly, over the last few years I have finally started listening to these really beautiful, melodious happy numbers (Most of the credit goes to FM) and have started loving them. Especially because of the combination of the very natural Malayali sense of music aesthetics and lyrical profoundness and beauty, even a little folk/traditional feel WITH peppiness, beats, foot tappability and just Fun.

I can think of a list of songs that combine all these properties, but right now I am not posting one of those. What I would like to post here is my latest earworm, which in all sense of the world is FUN.

IF, a poem by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Of Confidence, Over confidence and... Insanity

If I feel that people are not talking to me, that many people from my family or people from my workplace don't seem to like me, my first and foremost thought would be "what am I doing wrong?".

Now, here is a "man". He hates his whole family. His brothers, sisters-in-law, his nieces, their husbands, and even their infant kids(read 1 year old) have a list of "wrong doings", bad behavior and ego hassles (with him) in his books. According to him, they all like each other and always call each other and plot and plan against him and keep him out of all discussions.(!!!) According to him they are all walking around with egos and inferiority complex because he is this super-awesome successful (Hahahahaha) man. (Is there some scientific name for a mental condition of inflated self importance of this extent?). In a nutshell, everyone else in this world, his complete family, everyone he works with/deals with don't like him because (and hold your breath for this one)...THEY are all bad people with complexes and problems, who are beneath him and don't know how to behave and only he and his wife and kid are the awesome ones. And the worst bit? The sub-standard, street-worthy language he uses with his family or while bitching about them to whoever listens.I wonder how people of such high class and standards use such words so readily. Guess they must have learned them specially for communicating with/about the rest of his (bad) family who are beneath him.

And then, as they say, behind every super awesome successful man, there is a woman, he is also blessed with the supporting kind. So, when he screams and abuses at his elder brother, used to talk shit (literally) about his father and mother and treats his younger brother and family like completely beneath his attention, his wife sits by his side and smirks. And, if any of us (very adult) kids have had enough of this bad behavior, his sub-slimy, sub-standard, cheap, bad mouthing, and finally say something in response, the madam grandiosely walks in and say "please talk to my husband in accordance to your age." (I wonder if she has noticed that her husband is younger to his parents and elder brother)

I mean, they actually keep their neighbor brother's post with them and find it beneath themselves to give it or even let them know that these letters exist. The brother is supposed to just go there from time to time and beg for those in just the right words and tone! Can you beat that shit?

Now friends, especially of the doctors of the mind variety, please enlighten me as to what could be the cause of this supreme and total self confidence that prevents any doubt whatsoever that there might be some issue with self, when one cannot get along with the rest of the  world. This supreme belief, that  no matter whoever hates me, it is always always someone else's fault, and I am always better than the rest.  Because, if this is a mental illness we all could find it in our hearts to not hate and detest this man and wife and treat them with some sympathy instead. 


And instead, if it is something else, then too much of it is bad of course, as you can see from the symptoms above, but I'd like a little, teensy-weensy bit of what he smokes to take care of any self -doubt and confidence related issues in life.