Of Givers and Takers

So many times people think not having someone in your life is the loneliest, most painful thing in the world. Really lucky people, those. In other words, the "takers". Now let me tell you what is much, much worse than that kind of "loneliness". It is being surrounded by people and still being neglected, being all alone. This happens because, unlike common belief, loneliness is not about the number of people you are surrounded by. It is, in reality, about the number of people you have who are willing to spend a little amount of time and attention on you. The "givers". Givers of love, care, attention, happiness, a reason to smile, a reason. When you are surrounded by all those takers in your life and spend most of the time feeling empty and disappointed, more is definitely NOT merrier. It is just lonelier. More so, because it is very human to expect a little in return and when people trash the smallest of your expectations, it is painful.

The thing about intrinsically happy and strong people (these are the kind that naturally are givers) is that despite getting angry and upset at not getting a thing back, they are unable to stay that way for long. AND, most of the leeches in their lives are people amazing at spotting this "quality" from a mile. So, these takers have learned that even when the other person is upset at you for not bothering with any amount of care, attention, or just bothering to keep yourself peppy and happy to be with, you can still continue to NOT give, because these happy people have an automated make-everything-alright system that kicks in in minimum time and restores their happy, giving nature. You can then just saunter in with "hey honey, how you doing" and that's it, life is all hunky dory again, for you. Amazing system you have got yourself going there. Unfortunately for you, it only lasts till the person has hurt too much for too long at the shameless negligence and finally realized that this whole system is simply a burden and pointless to them. Don't forget, they are nice, but they are also strong. They will move on. And they have very little to lose considering they

never had much in the first place.

In fact this reads just like the story of my marriage, and especially of the one and a half years AFTER I pointed out to my loving husband how I know about his affair. He had so much confidence in my perpetual giver status that he thought it was okay to carry on with it for another year and a half, giving me absolutely no apology and  zilch efforts to make it up to me; and then, after she went her way, to actually come back and ask me to join him especially cos it is good for the "Kid". Yeah, just like his affair and negligence was. And the point to note is that I still GAVE him an year and a half to simply show me a little effort. Sigh! No wonder everyone that comes and goes thinks it's quite okay to walk all over me. I will simply keep trying.

Now that I am seeing a new phase of this trend set in, I have learnt a few more things about this parasitism. I realize that the stronger and intrinsically happier you are, the more difficult it is for the other person to prove their worth in your life. If most of the time you are quite capable of finding the reasons of your happiness and strength from within, what role does the other person have really? They then have to do so much more to earn all that they are taking from you so they don't end up feeling like burdens and disappointments over time. They HAVE to be givers too.

And nothing can be more beautiful than two givers meeting. The flip side is, nothing can be more devastating when one of the two turns. After many heartbreaks and disappointments, you meet someone who FINALLY gives you all signs of being a lifelong giver, just like you. Everything is rosy because both have reached a point where they are tired of being walked all over, and so, both are grateful that the other person is ready to reciprocate. And this makes both want to contribute more and more. It couldn't be a better equation. All is beautiful and magical. Till, suddenly, one of them passes over to the other side. i.e., they see the convenience in finally stopping all efforts from their end and to just sit back and leech. An actual lifetime giver is not capable of stopping. It's like an OCD. So even when you realize that the other has stopped, you are incapable of 'being in' a relationship in your head and not give them all your attention and care and thoughts. So, you go on and on and on giving, all the time hoping, waiting that they will restart, the magic will be restored, but usually only end up hurting yourself more than ever before. Cos taking is like a bad bad addiction.

And the worst thing is that despite the hurt and disappointment that surpasses all failures ever before, you feel unable to let go because this is one person with whom you had actually, finally, seen the magic, known the possibilities. And yet, after all your efforts, talking, conversations, reasoning, pleading even, to try and get that magic back, if the other person has nothing better but reasons, for not so much as moving a little finger to try and get that magic back, what other options do you have, really.

                       

Humanity

You needn't always think of things from another person's view. Everyone is human. You will usually only think of the good things you have done or the bad things you have suffered. 

But, when you know that you have done the worst possible thing to someone, hurt them and treated them badly for years together, and yet you think it's okay to shout at them when they react to your callous selfish disrespectful abandonment of them, you really need help. 

If you can't find in yourself enough remorse and humility to at least realize that since you have done so much wrong, the other person is bound to get affected and react and the least you can do is handle that reaction, if not apologist and promise to make things better, then I don't know what kind of human are you.

Never Say I am Wrong

You needn't always think of things from another person's view. Everyone is human. You will usually only think of the good things you have done or the bad things you have suffered. 

But, when you know that you have done the worst possible thing to someone, hurt them and treated them badly for years together, and yet you think it's okay to shout at them when they react to your callous selfish disrespectful abandonment of them, you really need help. 

If you can't find in yourself enough remorse and humility to at least realize that since you have done so much wrong, the other person is bound to get affected and react and the least you can do is handle that reaction, if not apologize and promise to make things better, then I don't know what kind of human are you.

Dilemma

She wondered whether to bargain or barter with him. Bargain would mean rape of her body and barter would mean selling of her soul instead. Physical pain or emotional hurt was the question. Her dilemma.

Of Religion, Intolerance and Sensitization

I have not watched the movie. I do not know if it has enough material to cause any kind of communal problems. However, the movie has released everywhere else, is my understanding, and the country is yet to see anything communal because of it. More importantly, in my understanding, it is only by letting people watch movies or read books or any other form of exposure to intelligently and aesthetically made material, will we ever be able to sensitize people about the real issues and slowly try and reduce this deeply brewing intolerance against anything and everything "religious".

If politics and judiciary are going to take up the job of screening all kinds of matters that touch upon religion, isn't that extremely counterproductive, in the manner that people will be less and less exposed to things, and will hence get less and less tolerant, which will make them increasingly reactive and explosive towards ANY chance encounters to such material.

If religion and everything considered "sensitive" is actually discussed and debated openly (just like the necessity of sex education), if it is all around us, the sensitivity and hence the reactions these cause will only die down. But if the public is going to be screened and protected from the slightest of mentions, then we as a society are going to be so unused to hearing/seeing anything related, so sensitive and intolerant of any kind of the tiniest implications in the religious directions, that very soon there will begin random bursts of riots and fights and communal warfare in big and small scale all over the country because of totally innocent and no-harm-implied statements unnecessarily construed as "hurting religious sentiments". 

Sensitize the public. Increase the tolerance. Make religion a complete Non-issue. Simply a private, personal belief that it should be. THAT is the need of the hour. 

Not, protecting it (or us against it), making it some kind of a BIG, Sensational thing, a thing that is to be defended, dividing and ruling the country based on it, until finally the whole thing blows out of proportion and explodes into something totally uncontrollable and horrendous. 

As for Vishwaroopam, at least after seeing that the movie caused absolutely no issues in the rest of the (obviously more tolerant) world, isn't it about time, you know... But well, can't comment on it as the matter is  in court. :|

More importantly, next time on, unless things look really really ugly and communal, release the bloody book or movie, wait for the reactions and if you see trouble, then only ban, pull it back, if necessary make relevant people apologize and placate the public. But at least give the public the benefit of the doubt first. We may not all be as bad as you think. For all you know it is just one dirty, ugly, communal mind in that panel of decision  makers who felt this can cause issues, while the rest of the world may not sense any kind of intended insult. Give us that chance, man!

Hari Sadu Again

I may have said all of this before but utter frustration and repeated stupidity of the Asshole has me writing this all over again. This is not so much for the readers as much as it is to soothe my raging mind. So, apologies if it doesn't make sense.

1. Creating a New process today and then calling me back in under one second to  inform that the new process is applicable immediately and needs to be put into  practice from today itself doesn't make you come out as efficient and productive, just bossy and idiotic.
2. Replying to every single mail sent your way for approval/decision with barely relevant questions that you know are almost impossible to answer and not at all important to the initial decision (but you do it anyways cos you are the boss) so that you can put off responding, doesn't make you very smart or fun, just a zero productive, useless asshole AND a coward who cant take ownership for a decision.
3. When you ask someone "how long will this take" and they honestly reply with "two weeks", you responding with a shocked "two weeks??!!! But I thought this won't even take a day", when you and I both know that it'l actually take more than the two weeks, doesn't make you some efficiently awesome project manager.  It makes you come off as a complete moron who knows nothing about projects.
4. Bull dozing everyone else's opinions and decisions with your own ideas and refusing to budge and then feeling very victorious that now everyone is "saying" what you want to say doesn't  help anyone's interest except your inflated ego. Eventually people will still do what they believe and your words can do their victory dance for all anyone cares.
5. And after a  few incidents of 4. above, people will  soon see that you are all about lots of noise and rattle but have no consequence, you will stop getting the chances of  making these noises at all.  Consider yourself an audience then.
6. Arguing and shouting at your subordinates who report conversations/incidents that they know shouldn't happen, and teaching them how wrong it is and holding them responsible somehow, while EVERYONE knows by now that you don't have the balls to talk directly to the wrong doers, doesn't make you come off as a honest,  righteous boss. Just a gutless coward who wants to save his own job by making the right noises, sending the right mails and uselessly  "documenting" your own opinion about the incident without being of any actual use to your seniors or juniors.  AND, people can see through this facade,  dude. 
7. After all the drama you put on, your excess upset at small delays or your excessive congratulations for small achievements that happened in their due course, both stop effecting others. Stop making a fool of yourself, for Heavens sake.
8. Sarcasm is very smart and impressive. Leave it for twitter or your friends who might appreciate it. Non-intelligent, slap-on-your-face sarcasm towards your subordinates especially cos you know they wont retort, doesn't  make you impressive, boss, just a totally disrespected asshole.
9. Finally, after NOT responding to all of the above mentioned important stuff like an intelligent person, actually responding to all the stupidest, irrelevant updates of documents (only meant for information) with remarks like "please follow xyz processes always" (which is anyways being followed) well, it just shows your true colors.

Nothing New to Add...

Enough has been said and written about the gruesome rape that took place in Delhi. Many opinions, many discussions, many demands and one of the biggest protests. And I have nothing new to add to all those emotions because I feel every bit of it as intensely as each person out there - as intensely as every girl who has traveled in a public transport in this country, who has walked along any street crowded or not (both have their advantages/disadvantages depending on whose aside you look from), who has been around strange (and also familiar) men.

I don't intend to discuss any of my own emotions or feelings about this. What I do intend to do is to try and make sense of the one thing that matters now. What can really be done. People talk about clothes, self defense,  not being out at certain times, maryada, bhaiyya and lakshman rekha, protests demanding hanging and castration that might act as deterrents. Enough has been debated about each of these items as well.

I just want to put my head around various scraps of sense I was trying to make in the last few weeks about what seems like the only practicality really keeping all hopes of ideal situations apart..

Crimes will happen. Rape, murder, even female foeticide, dowry killings, honor killings, fraud, and all the way up to terrorism. They will keep happening. Some of these we can try and fight with education, awareness and opportunities. But, to expect a situation of zero crime or to expect any government or political  party in any part of the world to provide a crime-free-state guarantee is stupidity. Protest and outrage all you want. We can only ask for two things, justice for the victim and most importantly deterrents. There really is NO 100% prevention. Let us all first accept that. What there is is deterrents.

So what can be the deterrent for these criminals? You say the fear of death or castration? Really?

I don't believe the extent of punishment is a deterrent to anyone. I don't think a would-be criminal actually says "oh! This is just 5 yr imprisonment, not life term/hanging. So let me commit this one instead". No. Every crime is committed because the criminal is stupidly confident that he will get away. Less "stupidly" in our country, but still. Hence, I repeat, it's not a new law (that also may or may not get implemented) that is the need of the hour. It is proper, efficient and quick administration of existing ones. So that tomorrow the only possible deterrent will exist. The possibility of the criminal wondering "will I manage to get away cos this is what happened to all the others." 

And like all really good things I don't think there is any shortcut to this one.

An Afterthought:

You may blame everything else that seems like the cause of a crime. For me it's a choice some people made to act a certain way. Most  men we meet might have been in similar situations right? Being with or around  women wearing "skimpy" clothes, late hours, maybe a little drunk,  having a good time in a pub etc.? They didn't make a choice to rape that woman cos of these things. These 5 men did. And no matter how justified their "provocation  " might seem to some of the "greater" men of our society, they made that choice and committed that crime and need to be punished. You can harp on about whatever provocation.

Also, by saying that the provocation was there so the crime happened, in my eyes you are kind of admitting that if you had been in that situation you would have made that same choice as well. You would have raped her too. Because there was "enough justified provocation". No?

So be very careful of what you are admitting to oh learned gentlemen.