I learnt this the Hard way. Very hard.
Now, when I say "learnt" it doesn't really mean that I have stopped making the same mistakes. It's more like I love learning so much that I keep making them over and over again.
But, I am digressing.
So the thing that I learnt the hard way over and over again is this. We humans have a HUGE capacity to take pain. And by that I don't mean the physical kind. I mean the emotional, hurtful, really-don't-feel-like-getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning kind. We handle bereavements, separations, failures, loss, everything. We cry a bit, we hurt a bit, we mope a bit and we let time do its thing and eventually shrug it off and move forward. And yes, though on the one hand it may be said this is because of a dearth of any other option, I still find this ability to take that kind of hurt and pain and sadness and still move forward quite remarkable.
So that is established, we can take Hurt, a lot of hurt, a lot of kinds of hurt. It's even sort of easy especially when you know why it happened. When you can explain it as "I saw this coming" or "This had to have happened with how everything else was".
And THAT is what I am writing about today. How the "Why" matters. So bloody much.
Only if we knew the reasons for why some things just happen. A lot of people find peace in explaining it as "God's mysterious ways" and so on. I mean, it must be a relief when you can believe in something that strongly that the unfairness of it all doesn't hit you in the face and there is this explanation that helps you heal quicker.
But a lot of us don't have that relief. We just don't know why a completely healthy happy young person would suddenly be taken away from us because just like that their heart stops beating. We don't know why a person who tells you they cannot imagine not talking to you all the time suddenly decides to just simply cut you off, no phones, no messages, no replies and worst of all, no reasons. That is just so not fair.
I truly don't believe life is fair. I, of all people, definitely don't. I know that at every turn, every cross way there is pain, heartbreak, waiting for us. I believe that everyone must face whatever they must face in this life, and I also know that no matter how unfair, we just don't get any explanations for a lot of them. Sudden, unexpected losses of loved ones is probably the most painful thing one must endure in this lifetime and especially so when they seem so totally unreasonable like when old age, disease or even a freak accident cannot explain it for us.
And that is exactly why I believe that whenever possible, wherever the loss, the distancing is caused by the choice of one person, the other person definitely deserves a reason. Stop talking if you don't feel like it, don't reply if you decide the person you "Couldn't survive without" yesterday has become uninteresting and blah today. That is hurtful enough for a person to deal with and will take a few days for the pain to start healing and the void to even start feeling like there is a chance to fill it. Ever. Do not top that up with the confusion and hurt of having to wonder why and imagining the worst about ourselves and our actions that might have caused the other persons' disinterest.
Do not leave them to deal with a lingering "But what did I do" for all of eternity. I am not saying that this would be the most active thought in their head for eternity. At first it will be all they can think of for a log time and then it'll become a dull throbbing thought at the back of their heads. And even as they stop thinking about the loss of that friendship/relationship and move on with their life, the 'not knowing why' just never totally goes away.
And life is tough enough as it is with it's unreasonableness of loss, that doing that to someone by choice is simply cruel.