Sacrifice or Joy.

Don't we come across one too many people touting the certificate of sacrifice and martyrdom they have faced in the name of relationships and love. If I were to give one piece of advice to them (Not that I am asked to give many!) it would be this - Don't!!! For the sake of yourself and the sake of those you think you are doing it for, please Don't. It is a very simple thing - if you see it as a great sacrifice that you do for someone else then it is making you miserable and that is making the others feel the same way as well - guilty and like they owe you something in return. These aren't really productive feelings when it comes to love and happiness.

I'll give my own example. When my kid was born I made the choice to not work for a couple of years. To spend that time with him. Now this is NOT a "SACRIFICE" I made for HIM. This is my life choice I made because I wanted to spend quality time with My Baby and that made ME happy. Why is this difficult? 

It starts from the moment people decide to have kid. Like it was a great sacrifice you made for the child to carry him/her in your womb for 9 months and bring him to this world. Really?  I thought it was a choice made out of wanting a child for YOURSELF. There are a lot many other sacrifices we hear about. For eg. one of the two spouses deciding to leave their jobs or change their jobs to move and be with the other. Again, if you see this as a great sacrifice you are making for your significant other, then you are making both of yourselves miserable for life and heading for some major troubles. However, if this is a decision one would make for oneself because for you being with the other is more important than that particular job in that particular city; Basically being with the family gives greater happiness than being in a job but away from the family; then you take that pick. Don't see it as a sacrifice and more importantly don't tout it on another's face all the time. If you know that leaving this job would make you miserable and unhappy then just don't do it. Seriously. The sacrifice value of that misery is really not worth the unhappiness and unpleasantness going all around.

I have always maintained that a happy healthy relationship is a selfish relationship, by which I do not mean that don't give a damn about the other person. The point I make is, if giving a damn about the other person gives YOU a sense of joy, then it is going right. If giving a damn about other person earns you, inside your head, only a certificate of sacrifices you've made, and you are planing to achieve your joy from knowing you are a martyr then it is just wrong. So bloody wrong. And so bloody sad.

Moral: Make compromises that make you happy to make them for the others. Not ones that give you pain and then you expect to feed off that pain and expect constant gratitude and super extra consideration from others all their life, cos you caused yourself pain. That just sucks to have to be around! 

P.S This one started off as a general observation post as nothing happened to piss me off while writing this. However, while I was writing this I thought of 2 - 3 characters in my life and just worked myself up to a frenzy. Hence the tone. :D

But Why...Part 2

Why are people so confused and complicated?
How is it possible for someone to be so self centered?

You walk hand in hand with someone down a breathtakingly beautiful mountain trail with the waves lashing far below and forest all around. It is one of the loveliest walks of your lives. You are both amazed and immersed in the beauty of the moment.

You suddenly, breathlessly claim you would never leave the other person's hand again even though the other person insists they don't need promises. Because they don't need expectations to spoil anything about this ethereal walk that has no name.

Then, as you walk by the side of the cliff with the beautiful waves right below, still holding their hands as if you would never let go, you suddenly give the other person a shove sending them hurtling down the cliff. The person is hurt, physically and emotionally. Confused and unable to walk for a little while, eventually the person decides to get up and start walking again. What else is there to do anyway. They need to get out of their slump. They need to get out of the prickly shrubs and rocks.

But the question would never go away. "But why". Not just "But why did you push me down and leave me here?" But also, "But why did you need to make these promises when you didn't mean them and more importantly you were not required to?" But Why?

Days passed, weeks. As you walk your beautiful mountain top path and the other person ascends through rocks and shrubs trying to get themselves back up somehow, you once again get a sense of them.
You ask "Hey you, down there. How are you?"

They are shocked. They are immovable with anger and hurt and disappointment (By now it is all directed at themselves for putting themselves in a vulnerable place like that. Again.) and speechless. They want to say a thousand things. They want to call you names. They want a zillion answers.

No.
They want to know one thing only. "But Why?".
So, for the sake of their curiosity, they tame their anger for a bit and reply " I am fine. Thank you. How about you?"

You reply "Why are you being so formal. Are you mad?"

Now the anger is simmering. The reply "No. Not mad. I was hurt a bit. And I wondered what happened, a lot"

You "Oh. But I am like this. I can't explain. I couldn't come rescue you because I couldn't explain why I pushed you down in the first place."

That's the answer? No reply from down below.

You "So are we cool now?"

Reply "Oh yeah. Sure."
The weird cryptic conversation continues in fragments with no satisfactory answers to either party, one being extremely vague and the other extremely sarcastic.

Finally you ask "So where do we stand now?"

The reply, quiet and thoughtful now, floats up from somewhere below  "I don't know. I really don't know where I am at this moment."
 (There is so much more to say. So much to explain. So much explanation needed. But are you worth it at all? I guess not.)

And then you say "But hey, everything is the same. At least, I am still at the same place always."



Of course you are. You were not the one who was pushed down the cliff, remember? Why wouldn't you still be in the same place up there?

I don't get it.
Why are people so confused and complicated?
How can they be so self centered about everything?

But...Why?

I learnt this the Hard way. Very hard.

Now, when I say "learnt" it doesn't really mean that I have stopped making the same mistakes. It's more like I love learning so much that I keep making them over and over again.  

But, I am digressing.

So the thing that I learnt the hard way over and over again is this. We humans have a HUGE capacity to take pain. And by that I don't mean the physical kind. I mean the emotional, hurtful, really-don't-feel-like-getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning kind. We handle bereavements, separations, failures, loss, everything. We cry a bit, we hurt a bit, we mope a bit and we let time do its thing and eventually shrug it off and move forward. And yes, though on the one hand it may be said this is because of a dearth of any other option, I still find this ability to take that kind of hurt and pain and sadness and still move forward quite remarkable.

So that is established, we can take Hurt, a lot of hurt, a lot of kinds of hurt. It's even sort of easy especially when you know why it happened. When you can explain it as "I saw this coming" or "This had to have happened with how everything else was".

And THAT is what I am writing about today. How the "Why" matters. So bloody much.

Only if we knew the reasons for why some things just happen. A lot of people find peace in explaining it as "God's mysterious ways" and so on. I mean, it must be a relief when you can believe in something that strongly that the unfairness of it all doesn't hit you in the face and there is this explanation that helps you heal quicker.

But a lot of us don't have that relief. We just don't know why a completely healthy happy young person would suddenly be taken away from us because just like that their heart stops beating. We don't know why a person who tells you they cannot imagine not talking to you all the time suddenly decides to just simply cut you off, no phones, no messages, no replies and worst of all, no reasons. That is just so not fair.

I truly don't believe life is fair. I, of all people, definitely don't. I know that at every turn, every cross way there is pain, heartbreak, waiting for us. I believe that everyone must face whatever they must face in this life, and I also know that no matter how unfair, we just don't get any explanations for a lot of them. Sudden, unexpected losses of loved ones is probably the most painful thing one must endure in this lifetime and especially so when they seem so totally unreasonable like when old age, disease or even a freak accident cannot explain it for us. 

And that is exactly why I believe that whenever possible, wherever the loss, the distancing is caused by the choice of one person, the other person definitely deserves a reason. Stop talking if you don't feel like it, don't reply if you decide the person you "Couldn't survive without" yesterday has become uninteresting and blah today. That is hurtful enough for a person to deal with and will take a few days for the pain to start healing and the void to even start feeling like there is a chance to fill it. Ever. Do not top that up with the confusion and hurt of having to wonder why and imagining the worst about ourselves and our actions that might have caused the other persons' disinterest.

Do not leave them to deal with a lingering "But what did I do" for all of eternity. I am not saying that this would be the most active thought in their head for eternity. At first it will be all they can think of for a log time and then it'll become a dull throbbing thought at the back of their heads. And even as they stop thinking about the loss of that friendship/relationship and move on with their life, the 'not knowing why' just never totally goes away. 

And life is tough enough as it is with it's unreasonableness of loss, that doing that to someone by choice is simply cruel.

Fight Clean. Respect Self.

The last day in the month of March. The month of International Women's day. The month of "India's Daughter". The month that ended with Deepika’s Video by Vogue; and I have a small story to share about why I am still skeptical about the future of mentality against women in this country. (Considering it was also the month when Anushka Sharma was blamed for India's performance in the World Cup Semis.) 

So, circumstances were such in the last few months that I found myself heading a committee of around 20 young (mostly freshers) Engineering Graduates, mostly male. The interactions started of well, thankfully. For more than two months, from their joining to the end of our project, the general rapport of the committee was lots of fun and friendship. I mostly felt like the lucky, very loved and respected big sister to them. With some, they'd constantly come to me for advice regarding girlfriend problems, to discuss personal matters, to discuss options about their future like next jobs or further studies, to borrow money and so on.

Considering they were freshers and had never worked anywhere before and were suddenly put in extremely difficult circumstances at sites, most of them went out of their way to complete the tasks assigned to them and I considered myself very fortunate to have been able to command that kind of respect, regard and support from the boys. (I sounded a little like Azharudin in my head with that). And I can seriously vouch for the fact that the support shown to me (or at least perceived by me) was definitely reciprocated manifolds, since my concern for their betterment, their hardships and challenges during the projects, their well-being and safety, their relationship problems and their future was truly extremely genuine.

Then something rather funny happened. These boys came back from their assignments and the general level of fun and camaraderie continued for another week. Everyone had stories of hardships to share tinged with lots of fun and laughter. But every basket has to have their share of rotten apples and the ones from this basket also returned one day. The good thing about these rotten apples from my basket were that before they all left for their assignments, these two never really were interested in this basket and hence never really spoilt anyone in here. This ensured that the basket remained fresh and un-spoilt at least till the end of the assignments and so that went well. Then the rotten apples came back and this time mingled with all the other apples in the basket.

Here is where the story turns.

The rot started spreading in the form of an idea regarding money. And where money is involved the "boss" gets blamed because, hey, the boss has money and it is his/her duty to share it! Who stops to think that he/she is as much part of the system as they are and has no say in the distribution of money; at least I had none. Well, without getting into more details, the rot spread to a point where they all stopped talking to me. Just like that. I walked into the office one morning and found them all huddled together away from me and the hostility was palpable. Not one word. Not one question even from the ones closest to me. Nothing. Just silence and cold war. 

Okay. Misunderstandings happen. Stupid ideas spread. I was hurt because there were at least 3 or 4 among the 20 who could have asked me anything or clarified this before launching the war, but I still took it in my stride. Fights are normal in any relationships. We get angry at parents, at siblings, at the closest of friends. That was okay. They would get over it, I figured.

What I hadn't vouched for was the realization that I wasn't their family or sibling or even friend (No matter how close a few of them were to me). No. I was a "woman" who hadn't helped them in some manner they thought I should have. And they were angry. So what is the easiest, most cowardly thing to do when a bunch of 15-16 boys gang up and get angry at a woman? Disrespect her as a "woman", of course. Talk about her cheaply. Talk about her morality and character. Call her a whore. Call her a slut. Every time you get together and get drunk, make sure all dirty jokes turn to her. Even involve people who have nothing to do with her or this committee into the joke, because hey, when you are insulting a woman, the more the merrier. New heads, new insults, new jokes, more laughs. 

Of course, the mistake was mine. It had to be. I am the woman here, after all. I was even told by certain superiors that the problem was that I was always "friendly" with the boys. (you can imagine the connotations behind that). It was my ‘not being "boss" enough’ and being more like a mentor and friend that caused them to turn. Aaha! Why hadn't I thought of that. Because if I had always treated them as a "boss" should (I think their definition is more "Hari Sadu" when they think ‘boss’), the boys would never ever say anything bad about me. Hmmm. How stupid of me to not think of that.

Anyhow, the point here is “Respect” and "Decency". Would they have done this if the person they got upset at was indeed their mother or their sister? They could get angry, not talk, show their temper in whatever manner, but would they disrespect and insult and make dirty stories and basically brand her a whore? The point is simple. We teach our boys early that if they are angry at their friend who is a boy, no matter how angry, they must try not to get into a fist fight. Try (even though that is just impossible to expect, but hey as a parent we will always try and hope) not to use abusive language, try not to lose their temper but to talk it out, solve, walk away or whatever else non-violent. But do we, consciously, teach our boys that if they are angry at a woman, no matter how angry, they simply shouldn't brand her a whore, shouldn't immediately think the best revenge is to sully her “character”? (That word is in quotes because Hey! I don’t even want to get into the whole ‘“moral character” of a woman’ thing right now) No, we don’t. 

Yes, we probably teach our sons early on that women are weaker so "You shouldn't hit a girl" (I am not so sure that when put like that, does that teaching do more harm or good). But do we simply teach our kids that the reason why you shouldn't hit or abuse or call someone a slut is not so much about Should" and "Shouldn't" as much as it is about Respect for another being and just decency? That anger, no matter how righteous, doesn't give you the right to be indecent and disrespectful and potty mouthed and abusive?

Yes, we need to teach our boys that it is just NOT OKAY to rape. Yes we need to teach our boys that it is just not okay to force or abuse. Yes, we need t teach our boys that it is not okay to eve-tease. Yes, we need to teach our boys that it is just not okay to get back at a girl by being cheap about her. That is as below the belt and as easy and cowardly a revenge as it gets anyway.

In one word, in order to get to all of the above, we simply need to teach our boys the concept of respect and being decent about their anger as well.

You may get angry, upset, you may disagree and argue; you may start a cold war or an open fight, but, no matter what you do, you cannot get cheap and disrespect another human being. Keep your anger clean. If we can only teach our boys this simple thing. To fight fair. That's it! Give another person enough consideration and yourself enough respect to learn to keep your fights fair, isn't that easy?

And till we don’t, and till we have educated, young, smart engineering graduates who actually justify this action as “Hey, when guys get together and get drunk they talk shit about girls. So what?” (Yes one of them actually used these exact same words to one fellow who actually stood up against what was happening), I remain very skeptical about the quality of “empowerment” women are going to get in this country.

P.S Incidentally yesterday was the last day for these guys at work, last day to work under me. Leaving behind a skeleton staff of 2 guys, the rest left yesterday. They say well begun is half done. Thank God for that. For the fact that the beginning was nothing like the end. At least things got done well owing to that. But it wasn’t a happy sight. It wasn’t a happy feeling that things ended in this sour note after the way they had begun.

Of Givers and Takers

So many times people think not having someone in your life is the loneliest, most painful thing in the world. Really lucky people, those. In other words, the "takers". Now let me tell you what is much, much worse than that kind of "loneliness". It is being surrounded by people and still being neglected, being all alone. This happens because, unlike common belief, loneliness is not about the number of people you are surrounded by. It is, in reality, about the number of people you have who are willing to spend a little amount of time and attention on you. The "givers". Givers of love, care, attention, happiness, a reason to smile, a reason. When you are surrounded by all those takers in your life and spend most of the time feeling empty and disappointed, more is definitely NOT merrier. It is just lonelier. More so, because it is very human to expect a little in return and when people trash the smallest of your expectations, it is painful.

The thing about intrinsically happy and strong people (these are the kind that naturally are givers) is that despite getting angry and upset at not getting a thing back, they are unable to stay that way for long. AND, most of the leeches in their lives are people amazing at spotting this "quality" from a mile. So, these takers have learned that even when the other person is upset at you for not bothering with any amount of care, attention, or just bothering to keep yourself peppy and happy to be with, you can still continue to NOT give, because these happy people have an automated make-everything-alright system that kicks in in minimum time and restores their happy, giving nature. You can then just saunter in with "hey honey, how you doing" and that's it, life is all hunky dory again, for you. Amazing system you have got yourself going there. Unfortunately for you, it only lasts till the person has hurt too much for too long at the shameless negligence and finally realized that this whole system is simply a burden and pointless to them. Don't forget, they are nice, but they are also strong. They will move on. And they have very little to lose considering they

never had much in the first place.

In fact this reads just like the story of my marriage, and especially of the one and a half years AFTER I pointed out to my loving husband how I know about his affair. He had so much confidence in my perpetual giver status that he thought it was okay to carry on with it for another year and a half, giving me absolutely no apology and  zilch efforts to make it up to me; and then, after she went her way, to actually come back and ask me to join him especially cos it is good for the "Kid". Yeah, just like his affair and negligence was. And the point to note is that I still GAVE him an year and a half to simply show me a little effort. Sigh! No wonder everyone that comes and goes thinks it's quite okay to walk all over me. I will simply keep trying.

Now that I am seeing a new phase of this trend set in, I have learnt a few more things about this parasitism. I realize that the stronger and intrinsically happier you are, the more difficult it is for the other person to prove their worth in your life. If most of the time you are quite capable of finding the reasons of your happiness and strength from within, what role does the other person have really? They then have to do so much more to earn all that they are taking from you so they don't end up feeling like burdens and disappointments over time. They HAVE to be givers too.

And nothing can be more beautiful than two givers meeting. The flip side is, nothing can be more devastating when one of the two turns. After many heartbreaks and disappointments, you meet someone who FINALLY gives you all signs of being a lifelong giver, just like you. Everything is rosy because both have reached a point where they are tired of being walked all over, and so, both are grateful that the other person is ready to reciprocate. And this makes both want to contribute more and more. It couldn't be a better equation. All is beautiful and magical. Till, suddenly, one of them passes over to the other side. i.e., they see the convenience in finally stopping all efforts from their end and to just sit back and leech. An actual lifetime giver is not capable of stopping. It's like an OCD. So even when you realize that the other has stopped, you are incapable of 'being in' a relationship in your head and not give them all your attention and care and thoughts. So, you go on and on and on giving, all the time hoping, waiting that they will restart, the magic will be restored, but usually only end up hurting yourself more than ever before. Cos taking is like a bad bad addiction.

And the worst thing is that despite the hurt and disappointment that surpasses all failures ever before, you feel unable to let go because this is one person with whom you had actually, finally, seen the magic, known the possibilities. And yet, after all your efforts, talking, conversations, reasoning, pleading even, to try and get that magic back, if the other person has nothing better but reasons, for not so much as moving a little finger to try and get that magic back, what other options do you have, really.

                       

Humanity

You needn't always think of things from another person's view. Everyone is human. You will usually only think of the good things you have done or the bad things you have suffered. 

But, when you know that you have done the worst possible thing to someone, hurt them and treated them badly for years together, and yet you think it's okay to shout at them when they react to your callous selfish disrespectful abandonment of them, you really need help. 

If you can't find in yourself enough remorse and humility to at least realize that since you have done so much wrong, the other person is bound to get affected and react and the least you can do is handle that reaction, if not apologist and promise to make things better, then I don't know what kind of human are you.

When Expectations Replace Love

Sometimes sorrow just falls into a "typical" bracket, a standard category. So standard that you don't even know what to say to the person undergoing the pain because it is so prevalent that it has almost become normal.

The other day I was listening to an extremely hurt, really sad elder sibling, who, unfortunately for him, happened to be governed by the "useless" traits of caring, family connections, love, attachments etc. while the younger sibling happened to be an over achiever in every "important" sense. The younger one had never really believed in attachments and gestures as "achievements" got him everything, way more than his elder brother ever got at home. He thrived on being admired and appreciated and learnt very early that 'being  nice' is such a waste. And the factor that made things just so, the source of admiration to one and pain to the other was your "typical Indian" father. (I know that is a sad generalization but I am sticking to the father from "Taare Zameen Par" image) This father had always, always been super proud of the achiever son and always looked down upon, judged, mocked and basically emotionally disowned the elder one leaving the mother to make him feel cared and wanted. ("bilkul tumhaarey upar gaya hai" phenomenon).

"And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to our expectations"

And, in case of this young man I was speaking to, as if dealing with the shadow of an over achieving younger sibling and a dad who turned a blind eye to, even worse, disapproved of, his (not so relevant) achievements his entire life were not bad enough, the one "safe place", the person who made home, home, the one friend and guide and strength, his mother, had passed away two years back. He was alone. Un-understood. Unloved. And hurting. The son was hurting among this bunch of heartless/emotionless strangers whose 'being strangers' itself made the pain and loneliness and abandonment of the mother's leaving much much worse for him. Cos he was the kind who cared.  To him, his mother was the screen between this constant disapproval and shame, and her going  not only took away her own presence but also exposed him to this stark, ugly empty side of his life.

So I heard him relate yet another incident in a lifelong line of incidents where his dad let him know of his disappointment and distrust. 

And what could I say to him? That it is okay? NO! It is not. It cannot be okay, ever. All you parents out there, different kids have different feelings. And if you can't see and love each of them for being what they are, instead of what you believe is ideal, then it's not them, it is YOU who are a pathetic failure in life. Today you might need your achiever son for your own sense of pride and achievement. And yet, tomorrow, when you are old and withered, who do  you think will give you any kind of emotional, "I am there for you" feeling, (buddhhaape ka sahara) support, appreciation for everything you have been through and done, and care?  The cold-hearted, over-achieving, 'I do everything for my own benefit and succeed' kid you have been so proud of all your life? Hah. Dream On!

And in all this you think you are doing wrong only by one son? You have made one of them feel abandoned,  unloved even "useless" his whole life which he has spent trying to, needing to impress you and see a spark of acceptance, pride and even  love from you. The sense of "failure" you have given that one is obvious. But what about the other? You think his academic, even career achievements, will be all he will need his whole life? You have made a monster who, right now, thinks all there is to life is "achievements". The only emotion  he thinks exists, or matters, is a sense of pride in one self and seeing  it reflected in others. What about love,  laughter, joy in small things (oh! but that is sissy), companionship, family values? You have made another YOU. An extremely unhappy, emotionally deprived, ice of a "human being" who will be another pain point to his own family. A lonely, never understood, never appreciated wife (who might eventually leave him anyways. This is the next generation, you know.) and more unhappy, either over competitive or lost in life kids, who might also eventually disown him for different reasons.  When will  this cycle end?! It is NOT ok. He will end up being the most lonely man ever and at a stage of life when he won't have his mother to screen him  from this bleakness and give him a home, a safe place.

What do I say to him? Not to get upset because it is the most common aspect of Indian parenthood? How can I say that? That is the biggest aspect of "upset" in today's Indian kids. These parents who don't really love them. Who either love their Grades or don't  love anything about them at all.

What do I say to him? 

He will feel bad. So will a million others. Some of them even hang themselves everyday.

And no, change will NOT come in the manner of every single kid learning to fit into the standard mold you want to fit them in (though the increasing statistics of stress and depression and suicide among children does suggest that you are succeeding.) The change will come when you, the parents, learn to love your children for what they are, for what they can do, for their innocence, for just being. And then they will excel, they will excel as happy, loved, satisfied individuals. They will succeed because of love and appreciation and support, not  because of fear and shame.

The Right Reasons

If you are in a relationship, then you are IN a relationship with THAT person. There is nothing more to it  and nothing less. It automatically implies that you love that person, you love being with them, you trust them, you care for them and are concerned about them, not because you HAVE to, as a sense of duty, but because that concern is what stays on top of your mind naturally, all the time.

And that's all there is. You can't be "in a relationship" with someone for any other reason.You can't stay married because your parents feel ashamed of you if you don't, or because of what the society will say or for the sake of your kids. Of course you can stay married to live under the same roof for these reasons, but you are NOT in a relationship with that person. You are the kid's parents but definitely not each other's partners. And you are not going to fool anyone in the process, not yourselves and especially not the kids.

The only reason to be together? To be in a relationship? To be a couple? If you WANT to be with each other for each other's and YOUR OWN sake. Nothing else, no one else can be reason for a relationship. They may be reason for two strangers living under that roof rather unhappily and making a proud sacrifice of themselves for the sake  of the children and the parent's sense of pride, but they can NEVER be a reason for two people loving each other. 

It's so sad that most of us (including me) think of ourselves as selfish and wrong for putting our happiness, our need to be loved, our need to love the person we are living with etc. as a reason to have a relationship, ahead of all these other reasons. Reasons that will very quickly grow up and have a life of their own, reasons that already have had each other for 30-40 years by now and very soon will not be even around to see what has become of us and yet they comes first and any mention of our happiness becomes selfish and against our culture or ethics or morality. But, if the same couple live the rest of their lives unhappily under one roof, at least till the kids grow up, hating each other and detesting their own lives and eventually detesting the people around them who are happy (and this is the set that makes the "society" which then judges the others who seek happiness), they are are respected and considered ideal. Who will break this chain, this vicious circle of unhappiness that frowns on anyone trying to be happy? I hope the change comes soon for the sake of our kid's, their sanity and their simple happiness. 

Of Love and Need

That feeling you have when you think of someone every time YOU are feeling low and lonely is definitely not "love". That is simply selfishness. That is simply you needing their strength and happiness to help yourself feel better.

Love would have been only if you wanted to be with someone, also when they were feeling low, when they were facing their toughest times, when they wanted your strength and happiness surrounding them and you were willingly present to give them that. In fact, love would have been if you had wanted to be the one who could give them that. Only then.

Should we Cry Some More?

There is interference. And then there is a height of interference. 

In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.

Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.

What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.

Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?! 

My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!

To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical  Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind. 

Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and  "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?!  She might as well  be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life! 

Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you? 

Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life? 

Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.

As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic. 

The Child at Heart, We do Love

They say, men will always be kids at heart. In other words "boys will be boys"? I definitely believe this.  And, unlike most people who say this as a judgement or criticism, I say this with a tad bit of envy. :)

Here is why...

Call it the upbringing, call it the social requirement or norms, women, as they grow up are always taught to be "responsible". We grow up listening to, reading and watching so much about this societal expectation that we mold ourselves to BECOME the adult. The responsible, worried, caring mother; the supportive, always by you, yet strong wife; the perfect "homemaker", the peace and soul of the home etc. Ad no, it is not a burden at all. Instead, we simply grow into and become "this" person. In fact, we love and look forward to these roles and they make us happy ad glow and smile inside. However, traditionally what seems to be happening in this process is that many of us loose touch completely, with the fun loving, naughty, sports loving, arts loving, outdoor and dirt loving little girls that we were.

NO. I am not saying that all of us grow up to be dull and boring rule masters. Especially in today's times, what with liberation, liberalization, feminism and more opportunity, many, MANY of us have learnt to find ways to keep in touch with our fun side. We have our own friends to hang out with, we have girl's night outs, movie, shopping and coffee meet ups, we go dancing and drinking, we work, earn and spend, we also play with our children and become one of them while we are at it, we laugh and giggle with our girlfriends, we coo and gossip for hours on the phone, we make pretty things, we sew and knit and read and paint, we go to the spa and indulge ourselves etc.. In short, and very luckily, we are a generation who have found it in ourselves to find our "me times". No matter how busy we are and how many "must dos" and "so-many-people's-worlds-will-stop-if-we-do" moments in a day, we have found it in us, and have been lucky enough to find ourselves the right men, who understand this need for us to lace the mom/wife/employee roles with just the right amount of fun-little-girl to get the best cocktail of personality.

Now, coming to the guys. And here is where the tables turn. :D

Unlike us girls who are learning to and finding ways to keep in touch with the little girls, men REMAIN the little boys they always were. For them, the effort is not to keep that child alive, but more like to keep that child reigned in at appropriate times. THAT IS SO LUCKY. For most of the men I know and love, the thing I love the most about them is exactly how much fun they have/are by continuing to be what they essentially always were. I have heard women tell their men so many times "Can you be serious at all? ever?". I know, it can get frustrating when you are at the receiving end of the 'naughty boy tantrum' while you are dying to discuss something earth shattering. But, lets face it, if not for this naughty, irritating, lovable cave"men" in our lives who don't listen and yet want to drive away our problems with clubs (pun intended ;)), the world would be such a tortuously slow, boring, painful and serious place.

Additionally I feel that it is exactly this "boys will be boys" attitude that men have, that their needs are usually pretty simple as well. TV, beer, junk food, a little outdoor action, some indoor "action", and some pretty people to stare at, and they are good to go for life. :D I also believe that it is exactly this child inside that has been molded by many guys into 'Let's just make the most of this life' attitude towards the greatest disaster that has stuck them, tuck their chin up and battle it on with a smile on their face. (Yes, I am again talking about my father and his strength, Daddy's little girl that I always am). No matter all the heartbreaks I have suffered in this lifetime (and mostly because of the guys that have come and gone, mind you) I sincerely believe that it is the simple, yet irritating childishness of the strongest men I am lucky to have in my life, be it my dad or my friends, that has helped me stay grounded and face the toughest situations ever.

In conclusion, I'd say, that women who are fun and happy along with being strong and capable, are people who have put an effort to keep in touch with the little girls inside and become some of the best people to be around; whereas, the best of the men I know, are those who have managed to mold the naughty little brat in them into a loving, caring, sweet, strong, smart yet mischievous , handful of a fellow. 

The tact and timing is all that matters, not this thing call 'growing up'.

Still Just an Apology

Yes, you made a mistake. But, a mistake is just human. We all make them .

Yes, you say that you acknowledge what you did was wrong, as well. But guess what, sometimes an acknowledgement is not good enough. 

Sometimes it takes a truly heartfelt, tearful apology that conveys that you have comprehended the magnitude of your mistake and sincerely believe that no punishment can make up for it. That conveys not just an apology, but gratitude to the other person for accepting the apology.

And then sometimes, that is still all that it takes.

Considering what you had, what you put me through for the last two years, the cheating, the neglecting, the ignoring and the complete lack of acknowledging the existence of me and my son, all you still had to do was show me the respect of a truly desperate, heartfelt, apology. How much simpler could it get?

Just once in these 365 days that I gave you, AFTER I found out about the cheating, when I was all alone running around like crazy trying to manage a career, bring up a happy baby, running a home to feed 4 people, while my parents were sustaining your expenses in Pune, AND while I was still managing to put up a happy front so as to not let anyone suspect that something was wrong, all you STILL had to do was give me the basic respect of a truly heartfelt apology and convince me that you truly want me back and I would STILL have simply come back with you, if only because my son deserves that chance.

But, you didn't.

I wonder what it is I did that made me so irrelevant and worthless in your eyes.

I know couples that take each other for granted at times. But, this belief of yours that no matter that you cheated on me at a time when I was all alone taking care of our 10 month old son while managing a career so as to support our lives (all 3 of ours), no matter that even after I found out about it, I said let's move forward and instead of apology and gratitude that I put it all behind me the same night, you pointed out to me that there were "issues" in this marriage and hence we must reconsider if we should move forward.

After this humongous insult on an already indescribable injury, I still gave you a whole bloody year. For what? Only for an apology and a declaration that you truly want ME back. ME. Not only for Sid, not only for  you, your parents, your society,  but for ME. And you couldn't give me that. You didn't give me that.

No. I don't want to repeat and relive what the last two years, especially the last year, has been for me.

My point? 

My biggest hurt, the biggest insult, the biggest pain in my life aren't the wrongs that were done to me. I am someone who forgets wrongs very easily. I melt like butter if you say the right words, look at me the right way, smile the right smile, respect me enough not to not hurt me, but to think me important enough  to apologize the right way. And you did not give me that. I wish you had respected me enough for that.

If not, I wish you had at least respected me enough to say that you are sorry, but you believe we should not be together. I just wish you had respected me enough to just not keep me hanging for one whole year after and during what I was already facing in my life.

Basically, an apology. Not one that you believed was enough, but one that I was convinced was it. Cos, no matter who has to be convinced, it is still JUST an apology, right, after everything that has been done?

Fly Away Emotions...

There is a part of my story, one of the most important parts really, that I have not introduced in this space. The post I wrote yesterday is my first mention of that here. It is the story of my marriage. Rather, the pain and trauma I went through in the last one year alone because of certain developments that happened in this "marriage". During that pain, during those days of darkness and loneliness, during the first two unbearable months of confusion and insult and losing respect for self, tears and loneliness, I took refuge in just letting my emotions flow on a blank white screen. 

Finally today, I have added those 3 months of my life as a page in this blog call The Pain. It is nothing but emotions that I could not control or comprehend in those couple pf months. The ones that probably might have been shared with a sister or a close friend. But, A. I don't have either. And B. I have not been very comfortable letting my emotions show to this raw an extent to another individual. Finally however, I decided this should be out here so that people who read this know me, know my life. I also felt that this should be out here so that if any guy who is planning to cheat or simply be insensitive and inattentive, reads this, he learns to do the right thing because now he knows the emotions the girl goes through before recovering and firmly locking him and these emotions out of her life forever. But mostly, I decided to put it here because this phase is over. Decisions are still to be taken, things are yet to be put in action, but I'm not in pain, self doubt or trauma and I have more or less put the emotions and unfortunately, the person firmly out of my heart and mind (so to speak. Cannot be completely done due some practical considerations). Right now I love that I went through this also cos this has also made me what I am today. More important than making me, this has shown me, me. Made me fall in love with me. Made me respect me and believe (no matter how conceited it sounds) that I am a much much better, warmer, stronger and truer person that I knew I ever was and than most I have ever met.

By publishing this, I am basically releasing the last remaining bit of that pain and that (shame?) that I had kept hidden from the world. This is also me, dear world. This is also what i have felt and gone through. And I am proud of being this, and coming out of this and now being the me I am. So there!. :D

When Do I Draw the Line, Then?

Where do I draw a line? Seems like I don't have the liberty to draw a line. I don't have the liberty to ever say that enough is enough, you put me through enough pains already and now I don't think you deserve me, because if the Dad wants the kid then nothing is ever enough.

Anyone can treat me badly, can neglect me as much as they please, can quietly sit back acting ignorance when I struggled to juggle raising an infant, having a career, running a home, being emotionally neglected and going through major relationship mess all at the same time and yet, when they saunter back into my life, say they want me and the kid, cry and beg in front of everyone and finally play the last card that says "don't you think we must do whatever it takes to give the kid all the chances he deserve?", then what else can I do but to give them that "one more chance" all over again. 

After everything someone has put you through, after taking an year to make up their mind, after having all the fun they wanted and then after thinking that now is a good time for them to settle and have a family around to show off and live that "dream life", they come back and beg and plead in front of all the people in the equation then they become good. And if I say "Too late, I hate what you have put me through and no matter what you do, I wouldn't be able to change my mind and start loving being around you", I become the selfish bad person, cos after all, everyone had the final card that says "How can you decide how late is too late for a 2 year old kid". True. Very true. one can't, least of all his mother. And, i don't want to so I wont. 

This person, who could have put an end to my suffering at any moment, who should have been the one to support and comfort me instead of giving me all the pain he did during my already difficult years, chose not to do it till he felt that now the time is just right for him to have a family. And even then, people finally only remember his crying and pleading and conveniently forget everything I have gone through in the last 5, what should have been the most beautiful, years, cos all everyone has ever wanted in this lifetime is the comfort of the "farce dream life" where everything "looks normal' and the "safety" and the "security" that this so called institution provides. 

Do I have the right to want 'happiness"? Oh, but of course. But, my happiness is derived from the happiness of my son only, isn't it. And that I brought him up alone for the first two years and completely know that I will continue to do it, despite a little trouble and a few difficult questions in between, is of little consequence. And, if I do pursue my personal happiness in the form of not living with a man I hate, and disrespect, who has neglected me during my most difficult times, who repeatedly insulted me and treated me badly, then I become selfish. I am this person who chose to put my own happiness in the forefront as against the possibility of giving my son a happy, "normal" life. . Why? All because he cried and pleaded and wanted us back when the time was right for him, and I didn't give my kid the "one more chance" at a normal life. And because, whether I bring up a happy, normal baby or not, it is more important that he have this "father figure" living in the same house.

What is this world where there is guilt in being happy; 

• Where the statistics that "80% of the families function together for the sake of the children and love and all is just in the movies" is accepted and actually touted as the reason why you should say yes and go with a man who did all this to you
• Where, you know no matter how much he tries now, even genuinely tries, he can never ever make you fall in love with him again after all that you have been through.
• Where this man taught you the very very hard way, that you don't need him, you can do things well by yourself and be happy, and still you are made to feel that you are obliged to go back, cos now he has come calling at his own time. 
• Where, knowing that you don't need him, that he doesn't deserve you, that he constantly hurt and neglected you is nothing in front of "he wants to live with his son and hence shall try to keep you happy", cos that is all that matters. He said he will try, didn't he? what more can he do now? True. very true.
• Where it is understood that I will bring my son up amazingly cos I AM, and no one can deny this bit, a very very wonderful mother, whether I live alone and happy, or with a man who hurt me and hence unhappily; but all that matters is I do the latter so he can have this father figure in his life, cos that is more important.
• Where, I live with a man because 'Did he hit me?' No, 'Did he drink and abuse me?' NO, He did say he doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage, but after one year, didn't he change his mind? Yes. Then, that is all that matters. Cos it is all so that the child has his parents in the same house.

What is this, dear world? What a mess you have made of yourself.

Of Egos, Complexes and Complications

Ego is such a messy thing. How difficult a colleague, a partner, a friend, family, even, just a person, you tend to become when you are carrying around this terrible weight of 'self'. How difficult and hated. How inconvenient to be around.

We have a colleague around here. Every time he asks for money for various site expenses, the accounts guys have no options but to ask for bills, clarifications, explanations etc. because that is the procedure. That is their job. However, every time he IS asked, a fight ensues - they are "doubting" him, are "implying that he is cheating and lying", they looked at him a particular way, smiled a particular way, they verified things with each other regarding the process while he was sitting there, he didn't like the "words" that were used or even the "tone". In short, he believes the world doesn't 'respect him enough'. One day he came for getting signatures on some papers and the concerned person was out. He asked the account guy for money without the signatures, which was naturally refused. He started screaming and shouting and saying he wasn't being respected enough and made to run around and what not. And all this is very justified inside his head. he is still right and the world is unjust and out to get him.

It's sad really. He walks into the room and people cringe and escape. During these fights he happens to say  things like "They respect me, but you guys treat me badly". And when he is gone, people here call and say to people there 'you guys respect him, eh?' and there are major guffaws all around. It is really sad. 

I don't understand how people live their whole lives in this self constructed mess of complexes and egos and self deceit. It must be such a heavy burden. Such listless sleep and so much worry thinking who hates him for whom. so much paranoia and so much self-pity. Its so complicated.

• First, YOU think (in some cases know) you are actually not good enough and some people are simply doing you a favor by being nice. 
• You grudge them their superior position and their "favors".
• You also envy everyone around you who is actually good, and who get accolades, and who seems comfortable in their own skins and have no complaints.
• You hate people who don't sit down and crib and cry and agree with you. 
• Then you work hard. But, the purpose of your hard work is not a good project or accolades in line of your efforts, but a self deceiving process to make yourself and others believe that you actually are good enough (even better) than those in power.
• Then, when your efforts get you recognition for your hard work from the very same people, you are still not satisfied and grudge them the position where they can actually applaud your work from their superior positions.
• You are constantly unsatisfied, feel like the world is not just, scream about your efforts wherever you can and "demand" respect and attention and crib and shout to whoever is around.
• In the process, people actually take notice of you, start disrespecting you and look down upon you and some even start treating you in the exact same way that you had imagined you were being treated in the first place.

Ugh! What a shit load of useless thinking and efforts. And why?!

I have only one thing to say about this. If you really want people to love and respect you, to want to talk to you and enjoy the conversation, for friends and family to visit your house and make you feel included, it all starts with you accepting yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, good and bad, loving yourself and most importantly, being comfortable in your own skin. Know yourself and love yourself. If you are confused about who you are, how will others ever know you. If you are uncomfortable being you, that shows. And then everyone else is uncomfortable being with you. 

Smoke Signal.

Chances...

Anger, fights, arguments, complaints are all signals someone is sending you to let you know that things are terribly wrong and need your attention and intervention to improve. They may also be treated as a chance someone gives you to improve situations, be it relationships, difficult work situations, anything.

All you need to do is listen, take the chance and make the most of it. The focus should not be on the anger or the nagging, but the message behind it, the reason. Because, it is when the person has stopped complaining, stopped expressing hurt that the relationship has lost its meaning. They have given up any expectations of you.  You have lost your chance. To save a marriage. To retain an employee. Lost the chance cos you didn't listen right.

Dreams and Meanings

So here we are, S and I, living in this small little small-town, while P is off studying in an institution where they "don't believe in holidays". On the one hand I desperately want to go and live in Pune so our little family is complete while on the other hand that shall mean having to leave little Sid alone with a stranger while I go to work.

I am also worried if and when I go back to work, will I land myself back at something worthwhile after such a long break.

A few days back I also had a heart warming conversation with an estranged very dear friend that took me back to the the immense hurt these lies, blames and questioning of my loyalty had caused me. 

And, while I struggle with these emotions and inner conflicts, I have a terrifying nightmare that our black dog (a very loving and friendly Lab) bit me rather viciously on my leg, barking, growling and snarling all the time! And then we had to give him away...

Disconnect? Of course there is. Except, since I have all the time in the world, I decided to google 'dream black dog' and google threw at me the following interpretations ...

To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream, indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten. (This part is just the introduction, read ahead)

• If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it indicates some inner conflict within yourself. It may also indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.
• 
  
• If the dog is dead or dying, then it means a loss of a good friend or a deterioration of  a relationship.
• 
  
  To dream that a dog bites you on the leg, suggests that you have to balance certain aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals.
• 
  
  Alternatively, it symbolizes disloyalty.
• 
  
  If the dog is barking ferociously, then it represents your habit of making demands on people and controlling situations around you. Are you "barking" too many orders? Alternatively, it could also indicate unfriendly companions.
• 
  
  To dream that you give or send your dog away, indicates that the decisions and choices you are making now may be misinterpreted as disloyalty. You have to do what is right for you and not worry about what others think of the decision. Alternatively, it signifies rejection of friendship.
• 
  
  To see a black colored dog in your dream, symbolizes the shadow aspect of a friend. The dark side of someone close to you is being revealed and you are able to see through to their true intentions.

Also consider the notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

Considering the facts mentioned in the beginning and that I am not very pleased with my situation, have been feeling let down and ordered around by certain someone recently, I have now become a new fan of dream interpretations and am sure to go on doing some more research on it.

Unknown, Undefined...Fondly Remembered

One of the Books I had read in the recent past was Brida by Paulo Coelho, the story of a young girl's efforts to find her true calling and more importantly to unite with her soul mate. Though the book was not one of my best reads by any stretch, the author's vivid imagination and description, especially with regards to the existence of, search for and identification of one's soul mate left me with a lasting impression. An impression, which - along with a recent unexpected closeness, many conversations and now an expected yet sudden silence from someone - has me thinking... wondering.....

I don't consider myself a die hard romantic; neither am I a skeptic who strongly disputes the existence of anything I have not seen or experienced. I have not really given a thought to the existence of "soul mates" in more than a generic we-get-along -surprisingly - well OR our-wavelengths match-better-than-others kind of a way.

However, for a few weeks now, I have been wondering about how, among the hundreds of thousands of people we come across in our lives, it is just a few handful who leave a permanent mark in our heart and take a special place. No, I am not talking about the people we are destined to be born among - not our parents or siblings or the innumerable relatives. Not even our spouse or friends. But instead, those others with whom our paths cross in the long walk of life, maybe its called destiny.It may be someone we meet on a journey, in a party, at school or college, or even someone we may have met online while chatting - a complete stranger, developing a bond, a relationship that has no name, no definition. A chance meeting, a wonderful conversation, sometimes even a hope for a lasting friendship, sometimes knowing that we may never meet again......

Why does life ensure that we come across these people for such short durations and still remember them for ever?

Why have I felt so comfortable with someone, that in just one meeting, just an online conversation, I have been able to trust them with all my thoughts and secrets, been able to share my feelings?

Why has the connection been so strong and so quick that we seemed to understand all that was said, and even unsaid, found joy in discussing the most insignificant to the most important, feeling content and happy in this sharing, all the time knowing that we may never meet or even speak again?

Is this what is called destiny? Is this a kind of soul to soul connection that we keep renewed over various lives?

Is it some higher calling to teach me a new lesson or pass some message, to add a new shade to life, derived from that one meeting?

In fact, thinking back over some people who have come and gone, and some who have still remained in touch, I feel

I have learned the most in life from these strange nameless, undefined relationships. Among all the people surrounding me, who have claims on my time and attention, among relatives and friends whom I talk to and spend time with most part of the day, I still find myself wondering at times about those few, that I came across by mere chance, have spoken to a handful of times and now find myself dreaming, wondering if destiny shall ever cross our paths again...if we shall ever again speak...if I am even remembered the same way as I remember them...

As my life goes on on one side, these thoughts, these conversations seem to take up a parallel life, a different time from the one I live in, not part of this present but still a part...they feel surreal, like a soft breeze, a dream...

I wonder if such a comfort, the ease stems from the very fact that no compulsions or commitments are involved in these chance encounters. No expectations and responsibilities that come with all other defined, named and accepted relationships. Like the incident in my life right at this instance, people are free to walk away, travel places, not be obliged to leave as much as an offline 'hi', not make me feel as if I'm obliged to ask after their travels, and we go on to live the rest of our lives without any ties, guilt or hurt. All there is, is a surreal connection, a joy of having met, a hope of being remembered, a knowledge of the existence of a soul somewhere in this world that touched my soul and knows my presence. As described by Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist, in just missing each other we remain connected at some level and our hearts send and receive signals beyond normal modes of human comprehension. Or as maybe understood from 'Many Lives, Many Masters' (Dr. Brian Weiss), the people who come into our lives are a bunch of souls that have strongly connected in one life, and who keep coming together and crossing paths over further lives, thus sometimes forming close relations and ties and sometimes such unexpected quick connections that go beyond our comprehension.

I would like to once again emphasize that I am neither a believer nor a skeptic in matters relating to the spiritual, especially aspects of life, death, after life, souls etc...and this discussion is not about the existence or non existence of reincarnations and supernatural connections. Instead, it is just this recent unexpected presence followed by the expected absence, that made me sit back and wonder why I connected, understood, was best understood by and why I still remember some people and hold them special. Just the unknown regarding if I will ever speak with them again makes me touch upon all these subjects that have subconsciously stayed in memory from the time I have read these books.

So when I think of these people, who unknown to them, have become special to me in a world that exists apart from my more real world, I wonder if we are souls that have connected in other times, in other lives. If the surprising and quick closeness and trust are just a continuation of a stronger bond from some very very distance past. I wonder if my heart sends signals to theirs especially on a lonely rainy evening, just as it receive these signals in the form of these thoughts and memories, if we shall meet again in this life or if the souls shall bridge over further lives? If there is ever a definition to these relationships, to these feelings or is it the undefined that make them divine...

"Sunn rahi hoon sudh budh khokey, mein koi kahani

Poori kahaani hai kya, kisey hai pata....

Mein tho kisi ki hokey, yeh bhi na jaani

Ruth hai yeh do pal ki ab rahegi sada..

Jo barsey sapney boond boond, Nainon ko Moond Moond

Kaisey Mein Chaloo, Dekh na sakoo, Anjaan raastey"

Lines Borrowed from the song Iktara, Wake Up Sid.