When Expectations Replace Love

Sometimes sorrow just falls into a "typical" bracket, a standard category. So standard that you don't even know what to say to the person undergoing the pain because it is so prevalent that it has almost become normal.

The other day I was listening to an extremely hurt, really sad elder sibling, who, unfortunately for him, happened to be governed by the "useless" traits of caring, family connections, love, attachments etc. while the younger sibling happened to be an over achiever in every "important" sense. The younger one had never really believed in attachments and gestures as "achievements" got him everything, way more than his elder brother ever got at home. He thrived on being admired and appreciated and learnt very early that 'being  nice' is such a waste. And the factor that made things just so, the source of admiration to one and pain to the other was your "typical Indian" father. (I know that is a sad generalization but I am sticking to the father from "Taare Zameen Par" image) This father had always, always been super proud of the achiever son and always looked down upon, judged, mocked and basically emotionally disowned the elder one leaving the mother to make him feel cared and wanted. ("bilkul tumhaarey upar gaya hai" phenomenon).

"And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to our expectations"

And, in case of this young man I was speaking to, as if dealing with the shadow of an over achieving younger sibling and a dad who turned a blind eye to, even worse, disapproved of, his (not so relevant) achievements his entire life were not bad enough, the one "safe place", the person who made home, home, the one friend and guide and strength, his mother, had passed away two years back. He was alone. Un-understood. Unloved. And hurting. The son was hurting among this bunch of heartless/emotionless strangers whose 'being strangers' itself made the pain and loneliness and abandonment of the mother's leaving much much worse for him. Cos he was the kind who cared.  To him, his mother was the screen between this constant disapproval and shame, and her going  not only took away her own presence but also exposed him to this stark, ugly empty side of his life.

So I heard him relate yet another incident in a lifelong line of incidents where his dad let him know of his disappointment and distrust. 

And what could I say to him? That it is okay? NO! It is not. It cannot be okay, ever. All you parents out there, different kids have different feelings. And if you can't see and love each of them for being what they are, instead of what you believe is ideal, then it's not them, it is YOU who are a pathetic failure in life. Today you might need your achiever son for your own sense of pride and achievement. And yet, tomorrow, when you are old and withered, who do  you think will give you any kind of emotional, "I am there for you" feeling, (buddhhaape ka sahara) support, appreciation for everything you have been through and done, and care?  The cold-hearted, over-achieving, 'I do everything for my own benefit and succeed' kid you have been so proud of all your life? Hah. Dream On!

And in all this you think you are doing wrong only by one son? You have made one of them feel abandoned,  unloved even "useless" his whole life which he has spent trying to, needing to impress you and see a spark of acceptance, pride and even  love from you. The sense of "failure" you have given that one is obvious. But what about the other? You think his academic, even career achievements, will be all he will need his whole life? You have made a monster who, right now, thinks all there is to life is "achievements". The only emotion  he thinks exists, or matters, is a sense of pride in one self and seeing  it reflected in others. What about love,  laughter, joy in small things (oh! but that is sissy), companionship, family values? You have made another YOU. An extremely unhappy, emotionally deprived, ice of a "human being" who will be another pain point to his own family. A lonely, never understood, never appreciated wife (who might eventually leave him anyways. This is the next generation, you know.) and more unhappy, either over competitive or lost in life kids, who might also eventually disown him for different reasons.  When will  this cycle end?! It is NOT ok. He will end up being the most lonely man ever and at a stage of life when he won't have his mother to screen him  from this bleakness and give him a home, a safe place.

What do I say to him? Not to get upset because it is the most common aspect of Indian parenthood? How can I say that? That is the biggest aspect of "upset" in today's Indian kids. These parents who don't really love them. Who either love their Grades or don't  love anything about them at all.

What do I say to him? 

He will feel bad. So will a million others. Some of them even hang themselves everyday.

And no, change will NOT come in the manner of every single kid learning to fit into the standard mold you want to fit them in (though the increasing statistics of stress and depression and suicide among children does suggest that you are succeeding.) The change will come when you, the parents, learn to love your children for what they are, for what they can do, for their innocence, for just being. And then they will excel, they will excel as happy, loved, satisfied individuals. They will succeed because of love and appreciation and support, not  because of fear and shame.

Matters of work and such

I want to do something in life. Something meaningful. Something that gives me satisfaction and not just money. Not a "job" that is a burden along with being my bread and butter. This is not my calling. This is not what I want to keep doing day in and day out for no idea how many more years and die thinking "what the hell did I really DO?" For Me? 

People have been asking me to start thinking about a move, about getting out of this shell and finally moving into the next "better" opportunity. And I want to. I really want to start waking up every day looking forward to work, to get a feeling of accomplishment when I lay my head on the pillow at night and think back, to feel a sense of drive and determination to keep doing what I do, and to achieve whatever I am headed out to achieve. But WHAT better opportunities?! In fact, the right question is, what "opportunities" are really "better" for me.

The thing is, I know that what I am doing is NOT it. For sure. I hate it and usually am here only for the AC, free and excellent WiFi, an awesome friend in my colleague with whom I have some of the most profound, intellectual and fantastic discussions, for the money of course and most importantly for having a place to get out of bed and head to. And it kills me every single day that I am stuck in this place because I "HAVE" to rather than wanting it. So I know it is NOT it. But how do I correct this situation if I don't know what IT IS! No matter how  much I break my head against the wall I am not able to figure out what it is that I really want to do, what will make me happy. 

Somewhere in the back of  my head is the feeling that it is got to be related to doing "some good", to "giving back" and if I really start somewhere  it will head me to the right direction. But the truth is I am afraid to start. I have gotten stuck into this "apathy" of a safe zone that I hate and is boring and frustrating and empty, but a "safe" zone nevertheless. I have a very valid reason that I can give anyone and escape behind. That I can't move into a new city with Sid right now cos he is too young.  It is true. I can't. But seriously, why does that imply that I can't change? Or maybe take a much, much deserved break, do things I like, go to places I want to and in the meanwhile I might, just might, see exactly where I can start from. 

The truth is I am less afraid of the moving and for Sid as I am of breaking out of this safe place that comes with doing what is obvious, what is normal. A "job" is so important in our times not as much for the financial security, as much as it is for the sake of sticking to this "normalcy". I did my engineering, my masters and then stuck to the work that both these have automatically led me to. Nothing out of the way,  nothing "different". And I had no complaints all these years with doing the normal, with living the "one thing led to other" life, with not breaking any rules and raising any eyebrows. But now I have this feeling of "being stuck". Of living in Trivandrum because I'm a single mother to a two year old and "have to do" whatever best I get here and in the "same lines" as my work profile, topped with not wanting to stay at home while my parents run around earning. There is this feeling that life has completely gotten out of  my hands and every single aspect of it has  become a "have to" instead of a want to - Trivandrum, the job, not going out with people, everything.  And I am stuck in the rut cos after the divorce, I really don't want to rock everyone else's boat again!  Again, one of those cases where you do things to be right by everyone else except yourself and then try to find a sense of comfort in being right or unselfish or "doing the right thing". Another one of those cases where every wrong you do in life becomes alright because we all carry that "right by sacrifice" gene in us.

Thing is, I know that no one else can help me realize what is the right thing for me to do. I also know that it is not about keeping my eyes peeled for new job opportunities (My dad asked me yesterday why I didn''t keep checking the "opportunities" page since I have been wanting to change jobs. Oh dad! How do I explain). I think it's more about taking that break, thinking and finding the strength within myself to try something new, for ME. That is the biggest challenge. I know that if I sit to think there might be a few things skimming right there at the top, as things that I would much rather be doing. The real challenge is finding the strength from within to not feel guilty, bad or irresponsible about leaving what I have built up on  for all these years and losing that sense of "stability" that comes from pursuing a career to try something new, to experiment purely for a sense of satisfaction and joy and not for the sake of having a career and money. The biggest challenge is to convince myself that it is not wrong to do things for myself if it feels right for me instead of doing what is defined as the right way by everyone else. The biggest challenge is in not seeing finding my calling as "rocking" someone else's boat and feeling like a failure for doing that (It need not be anyone else's boat at all, really. At least this one must be mine alone to rock. The biggest challenge is to get out of my own safe/comfort zone and finding the willingness to rock the boat some.  

Reactions are Reflections

The other day I had posted a status  on Facebook on the lines of how our reactions to people/events reflects so much more about our own behavior. This was about the fear of being judged. The post went like this: 

"The amount of shame you feel about telling people things about yourself is a direct reflection of how much you are liable to judge others if you hear something similar about them.

Keeping private things private is totally understandable. But outright lying about something only because YOU believe it is shameful just goes to show your own mindset."

What I was trying to say is, you expect people to see things in a particular way and to judge you in exactly the way you will see these things coming from  others. Your thinking, your fears are all a reflection of hoow your mind works. Not of how the other person's (whose judgement you fear).

In continuation to this post came  another thought. More like a corollary because this has to do with respect to what the judgements you make about you. More or less connected to this post.

So, you meet a person having gone through a major personal setback or eventuality and yet holding his head high and smiling at life.

You can have one of the two reactions. You can either think "Oh My God. How brave is that guy. Had I been in his place I may have been so shattered by all this. So brave and strong that he has all  that pain inside and still carrying on". I know this thought cos I have had this about various people I have met at various stages of  my life and continue to admire. People who have shaped me and have a large influence on how I handle aspects of my life.

But, that is really rare. More reactions happen in the second category where people tend to go "My God! Even something like that hasn't effected him/her. What kind of person are they? Heartless? Emotionless?" etc. When someone sits in  front of me making statements in these lines and expecting me to agree with their judgement of the person being discussed, the only judgement my mind is passing is regarding the speaker himself. Cos, for  me, these are people who are so ashamed of their own weakness regarding handling eventualities that they have to judge the other person as "heartless" for being brave,  way more brave than they can ever imagine.

In short, your "judging" this person falls into either "empathy and loads of admiration and support" OR "what an emotionless creature with no feelings. How shameless."

Now you decide you is really being judged.

The Right Reasons

If you are in a relationship, then you are IN a relationship with THAT person. There is nothing more to it  and nothing less. It automatically implies that you love that person, you love being with them, you trust them, you care for them and are concerned about them, not because you HAVE to, as a sense of duty, but because that concern is what stays on top of your mind naturally, all the time.

And that's all there is. You can't be "in a relationship" with someone for any other reason.You can't stay married because your parents feel ashamed of you if you don't, or because of what the society will say or for the sake of your kids. Of course you can stay married to live under the same roof for these reasons, but you are NOT in a relationship with that person. You are the kid's parents but definitely not each other's partners. And you are not going to fool anyone in the process, not yourselves and especially not the kids.

The only reason to be together? To be in a relationship? To be a couple? If you WANT to be with each other for each other's and YOUR OWN sake. Nothing else, no one else can be reason for a relationship. They may be reason for two strangers living under that roof rather unhappily and making a proud sacrifice of themselves for the sake  of the children and the parent's sense of pride, but they can NEVER be a reason for two people loving each other. 

It's so sad that most of us (including me) think of ourselves as selfish and wrong for putting our happiness, our need to be loved, our need to love the person we are living with etc. as a reason to have a relationship, ahead of all these other reasons. Reasons that will very quickly grow up and have a life of their own, reasons that already have had each other for 30-40 years by now and very soon will not be even around to see what has become of us and yet they comes first and any mention of our happiness becomes selfish and against our culture or ethics or morality. But, if the same couple live the rest of their lives unhappily under one roof, at least till the kids grow up, hating each other and detesting their own lives and eventually detesting the people around them who are happy (and this is the set that makes the "society" which then judges the others who seek happiness), they are are respected and considered ideal. Who will break this chain, this vicious circle of unhappiness that frowns on anyone trying to be happy? I hope the change comes soon for the sake of our kid's, their sanity and their simple happiness. 

Of Love and Need

That feeling you have when you think of someone every time YOU are feeling low and lonely is definitely not "love". That is simply selfishness. That is simply you needing their strength and happiness to help yourself feel better.

Love would have been only if you wanted to be with someone, also when they were feeling low, when they were facing their toughest times, when they wanted your strength and happiness surrounding them and you were willingly present to give them that. In fact, love would have been if you had wanted to be the one who could give them that. Only then.

Should we Cry Some More?

There is interference. And then there is a height of interference. 

In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.

Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.

What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.

Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?! 

My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!

To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical  Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind. 

Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and  "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?!  She might as well  be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life! 

Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you? 

Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life? 

Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.

As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic. 

The other phases

There is this big thing hanging in the air that I must write about. I have written about it by beating about the bush in terms of the feelings and pain I went through, in terms of another blog while I was going through it, and probably about other related issues, but never gotten to the  point. And I think it's more so because I am incapable of getting to the point with respect to this topic because there are so many many many angles to it. Major and minor irritations that affect you from various directions, multiple doubts and confusions eat at you, the guilt associated is killing you all the time, and the emotions. How does one write something that does justice to all these various pain points or manage to discuss just one of those without dragging in every single interrelated aspect.

Well, here is how one talented writer  (Yes,  cos that is definitely NOT me.) did it.  This article from a weekly column at Livemint, called Dancing Divorcee, had me vigorously nodding my head at each and every word spoken there. Of course, it doesn't deal with the emotional trauma and doubts much, that the individual felt, and instead deals with the other irritants that prevail - Another angle of the whole pain. And how! Cos I wanted to say all these things, but could never have said it better, I request you all to read up on this article for sure. So read on...

"After the most difficult thing in the world of divorce, i.e. deciding to get one, the second most difficult thing is telling the parents. Especially, if like me, you come from a ‘normal’ middle-class family.

They don’t get it, they never will. My mother, still occasionally speaks about how angry she is with the Ex. In our world, a divorce is SEP — Somebody Else’s Problem. It never comes home. It’s what is spoken of in hushed tones about far-off relatives when you meet other far-off relatives. read more....."

It's so true, every single bit of it that associated people (read: mothers) go through. The shock, the disbelief that "this can't be happening to us", the shame associated with "how do we tell people", the shame associated with "failure"(we failed, our daughter failed etc.), the blame - "Why didn't you tell us before it got to this point so we could have solved it", then finally attributing all  blame to the guy, the emotional blackmail -  "we all have gone through these feelings but we put up with things for you, "the kids" first.", then the pain associated with the final "telling" to other people. And through all these emotional stages I have only my mother in mind. Cos just as in that article, my dad's main stand was "Well, at the end of it if you don't want it, you can't do it for anyone else. Don't listen to others. They will have their own reasons and a hundred opinions to back their reasons. You can only do what you feel is right for you." My dad also asked me "You are thinking of Sid, of us,  of everything else. The problem is, who is thinking of you, your happiness?" And as the article says "For that, I will love him forever and there will always be a daughter’s gratitude to destiny, for providing me with the best dad in the world.

Destiny, just @%#*ed-up a bit on the husband."

Always there, but not really...

Today I got a friends request on Facebook. Just like most other friends request, this one was also from someone familiar, an old, distant acquaintance but someone I have hardly spoken to. 

But then there was a small difference in the way I felt about it. basically, this was from someone who I was 'distantly acquainted' to from school and then in college as well. Someone I had always had tremendous respect for, though she wouldn't have been more than 2 years older to me.The kind of person you respect and admire from a distance; you would like to talk to but are also a little afraid of them, afraid that you might not be considered 'good enough' or 'important enough' (yeah that high school thing); someone who gave you a feeling, even as early as school, like talking to them would be similar to approaching someone in power, that they could easily make you feel small, insignificant, but wanting to talk to them nevertheless and NOT feel like that. And then today, after all these years when I got that friends request I just felt warm inside. A connection, that never was. It made me plain happy. (ok, I am truly hoping this doesn't sound too gay. THAT happiness is just being remembered by someone I respected so much so long ago!)

 Also, this was a girl who, everyone in school always knew would do something special, something different. She wouldn't just simply follow the pack. And so, when I got that friends request today and immediately accepted, I wanted to find out what she had been up to all these years. I couldn't figure out much from her profile at first, and then when the discovery slowly revealed to me, I couldn't help but smile to myself. 

Though I have not spoken to her and the details are not clear, it appears to me that she is a founder member of some venture that deals with conducting thinking and communication workshops for kids. :) Now, did it surprise me? No. To begin with, I didn't know her well enough for the choice of field to surprise or not surprise me. And the fact that we always knew that she would be among the people who doesn't do something ordinary, only caused a "Aaha! Why am I not surprised" feeling. There is still that silent admiration, now probably a little more.

And guess what? Though I wanted to send her a message saying how impressive her work is, I realized that after all these years I still carry that silly hesitation to talk to her.

And what affected me the most was that realization that there are so many people in our lives who have been part of it in the vaguest and yet not so vague way for the longest time ever, longer than any friend/any partner, and yet someone we barely know. People who have managed to come and go from our lives for as long as we remember without much conversations, friendships or any relations whatsoever, and yet have always had some kind of an impact as in they have not ever been among the unnoticed ones. I wonder if I have been that person to someone as well. Funny thought that.

Wrapped Earphones

Crafty & colorful is the way to be. :)

One of the most fun (and it goes without saying, pretty easy) crafts I decided to try first was the yarn wrapped earphones. There are a number of tutorials that you can find on Pinterest. I used this one which had lots and lots of pictures to explain the process, just the way I like it. I did tend to go WILD and made mine with tonnes of bright burst of colors in different lengths. And I love it more everyday.

Along with looking totally RAD and adding a lot of color to my day, the thing I love the most about it is that it saves me at least an hour everyday, otherwise spent in the process of untangling headphones. No really. wrapping yarn around your headphones prevents tangling to a huge extent and it might have taken me all of one hour (my precious hour between when kiddo goes to sleep and I finally do. :D )

One note: The thicker the yarn, the lesser the tangling and of course, quicker the entire process of wrapping. But, I feel the thinner yarns look better. So find the right balance of yarn. And it's as easy as that!

And now, you hardly ever see me without this burst of color running down from my ear to my bag. :D 

The fun thing is, I also just love seeing it lying on my office desk or bed, when not stuck in my ear. It just makes every space look fun and happy.

Getting Crafty

Where to go? What to do?
Emptiness, through and through.

For a few months now, I had been going through a very torturous phase. (Nah. I am not talking about THAT torturous phase all over again!) This torturous phase was more monotony, a lack of a purpose except for living and functioning and of course being Sid's mom which in itself is sooo fulfilling; and yet something was missing. I just could not understand this terrible void, an emptiness, considering I had not even a second to spare or to call "empty". Things have gotten so hectic with all the juggling, that I was not even getting time to READ! And yet, I was feeling empty. Like I was not doing anything meaningful.

After a lot of time of feeling like this, thinking, fretting, I finally realized I had to do something that was purely and entirely for me, my time, my space, my fun. No one else needs to "gain" from it and no one else needs to understand it. Appreciation would always be welcome, an added bonus, but it wasn't technically for anyone's approval of appreciation. It just had to be my own craziness. I know reading has always been my escape from this world, a relief, a "me time", for as far back as I can remember. But somehow, now, even that was not enough. In fact I was facing it difficult to even "start" a new book and simply blamed it on lack of time. After a little more of thinking and fretting, I realized I had to create. Do something that was just me, that I could look at and feel proud of. Just for fun and whatever pleasure I derived from the work I put in to create that final product. 

One of the first (and, considering office wi-fi, the easiest,) things I did was to revive my year old, un-updated twitter account and start some tweeting. That went okay in terms of the conversations I had, the nice people I got to interact with, the knowledge I got from it and of course the followers. :D. To be honest, twitter has done so much to my life in the last one year that that it is soon to be a post in itself. Twitter gave me life and turned me around in so many many ways!

No this is NOT my "creation".
Just an image.
Trying a hand at painting?

But what about "creating" was the question and to this I tried the obvious answer. I have (very intelligently) given up on myself on the drawing/sketching department a long long ago. So I decided to try my hand at some painting. Right away, a lot of drawing books, papers, brushes,  oil colors, water colors, pastels, everything was bought, creation started, tried, tested and then kept aside with a promise of getting back to it with more regularity  (this has been about 6 months now. Sigh!). I did manage some "not too bad" pieces (by my own standards) but it still didn't do anything for that "something missing" feeling. 

Then there was this blog. An old old one I had started but never felt like updating as I never seemed to know what to write about (somehow 140 characters of randomness seemed easier at this point), for whom to write and my inherent laziness to type. I also had my kiddo blog that I had started so as to log his growth stages and events, but that was also lying abandoned for an year now (And he is just 2 years old!) I have been very very lazy and to be honest, inattentive of myself and my interests. Somehow the emptiness in my head translated to the emptiness of the blogs as well.

I also bought myself a notebook and started writing (writing?! I think I had forgotten how to, with all the typing I have been doing!), hoping this might get some creativity flowing as against staring at a blank white blog page. This was fun for some time, but then slowly that also got boring. Probably, it was still not something tangible enough, for me.

And amidst all this confusion and emptiness I hit upon Pinterest (Thank God for office Wi-fi again). To those who do use it, I need not explain how crazily addictive it can be. First thing that took a hit was tweeting (and no, I am not even going to talk about my work). I was spending my whole day poring over pins and making scores and scores of "To-do"s. Just the ideas on Pinterest were mind blogging enough to keep me occupied for days on end without feeling an emptiness what so ever.

  Oh! The things people did! 

The things I could do "one day" when things were not so busy! 

I wanted to do "this" and then "that" and then "this too" and like that the pinning continued. And I was so excited.

Then in a few weeks of this excessive pinning I came across crochet projects on Pinterest, first a few and then an abundance of it everyday. Now, we had been taught some basic crocheting back at school during an hour called Socially Useful Productive Work or SUPW, which we used to (fondly) called Some Useful Period Wasted. (Now how much "use" we put those other periods to, don't even ask). And I also remembered that I used to quite enjoy it. So much so that I had made mom buy me an abundance of yarn and a couple of needles. Yup, equally enthusiastically wasteful me, then and now!

Well, coming back, Pinterest re-introduced me to Crochet and then I realized that time or no time I HAD TO start making something. Out came the old needles (call them a waste but they were there when I needed it) and the nearly impossible mission of finding yarn in this hot and humid region. But, that was also tackled thanks to some tiny corner shops hidden inside major market places that have all inane and "not very useful" tictacs and of course, the internet! And just like that,my crocheting experiments started. They started with the usual granny squares and moved onto slightly better projects whose details I intend to keep updating, with pictures, in more posts.

Along with crocheting, I also started implementing small little "home improvement", "recycling" and other such small scale "DIYs" that you keep coming across Pinterest. And guess what, I have been feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to come up with this stuff. 

It is not much to show. I haven't done any of those big beautiful projects Pinterest is full of. But now I can't wait to get started on something that big and in the mean time I am completely happy with myself doing these small little things everyday, "creating" stuff and making myself proud along with pinning more and more probable projects for later. Something new to do tomorrow. Something new to do in the future. A small project. A little purpose. It means so much to be. And the funniest thing? From the time I have started these craft experiments, these little games with yarns and fabric and needles and glue and color and scissors, I have also gotten back to reading more, updating the blog (at least the kiddo one) more and basically enjoying whatever little time I get for myself and with kiddo that much more. I guess, I have been living a little more. 

The Child at Heart, We do Love

They say, men will always be kids at heart. In other words "boys will be boys"? I definitely believe this.  And, unlike most people who say this as a judgement or criticism, I say this with a tad bit of envy. :)

Here is why...

Call it the upbringing, call it the social requirement or norms, women, as they grow up are always taught to be "responsible". We grow up listening to, reading and watching so much about this societal expectation that we mold ourselves to BECOME the adult. The responsible, worried, caring mother; the supportive, always by you, yet strong wife; the perfect "homemaker", the peace and soul of the home etc. Ad no, it is not a burden at all. Instead, we simply grow into and become "this" person. In fact, we love and look forward to these roles and they make us happy ad glow and smile inside. However, traditionally what seems to be happening in this process is that many of us loose touch completely, with the fun loving, naughty, sports loving, arts loving, outdoor and dirt loving little girls that we were.

NO. I am not saying that all of us grow up to be dull and boring rule masters. Especially in today's times, what with liberation, liberalization, feminism and more opportunity, many, MANY of us have learnt to find ways to keep in touch with our fun side. We have our own friends to hang out with, we have girl's night outs, movie, shopping and coffee meet ups, we go dancing and drinking, we work, earn and spend, we also play with our children and become one of them while we are at it, we laugh and giggle with our girlfriends, we coo and gossip for hours on the phone, we make pretty things, we sew and knit and read and paint, we go to the spa and indulge ourselves etc.. In short, and very luckily, we are a generation who have found it in ourselves to find our "me times". No matter how busy we are and how many "must dos" and "so-many-people's-worlds-will-stop-if-we-do" moments in a day, we have found it in us, and have been lucky enough to find ourselves the right men, who understand this need for us to lace the mom/wife/employee roles with just the right amount of fun-little-girl to get the best cocktail of personality.

Now, coming to the guys. And here is where the tables turn. :D

Unlike us girls who are learning to and finding ways to keep in touch with the little girls, men REMAIN the little boys they always were. For them, the effort is not to keep that child alive, but more like to keep that child reigned in at appropriate times. THAT IS SO LUCKY. For most of the men I know and love, the thing I love the most about them is exactly how much fun they have/are by continuing to be what they essentially always were. I have heard women tell their men so many times "Can you be serious at all? ever?". I know, it can get frustrating when you are at the receiving end of the 'naughty boy tantrum' while you are dying to discuss something earth shattering. But, lets face it, if not for this naughty, irritating, lovable cave"men" in our lives who don't listen and yet want to drive away our problems with clubs (pun intended ;)), the world would be such a tortuously slow, boring, painful and serious place.

Additionally I feel that it is exactly this "boys will be boys" attitude that men have, that their needs are usually pretty simple as well. TV, beer, junk food, a little outdoor action, some indoor "action", and some pretty people to stare at, and they are good to go for life. :D I also believe that it is exactly this child inside that has been molded by many guys into 'Let's just make the most of this life' attitude towards the greatest disaster that has stuck them, tuck their chin up and battle it on with a smile on their face. (Yes, I am again talking about my father and his strength, Daddy's little girl that I always am). No matter all the heartbreaks I have suffered in this lifetime (and mostly because of the guys that have come and gone, mind you) I sincerely believe that it is the simple, yet irritating childishness of the strongest men I am lucky to have in my life, be it my dad or my friends, that has helped me stay grounded and face the toughest situations ever.

In conclusion, I'd say, that women who are fun and happy along with being strong and capable, are people who have put an effort to keep in touch with the little girls inside and become some of the best people to be around; whereas, the best of the men I know, are those who have managed to mold the naughty little brat in them into a loving, caring, sweet, strong, smart yet mischievous , handful of a fellow. 

The tact and timing is all that matters, not this thing call 'growing up'.

Unsafe.

Yes, unsafe, not by crime but by the justification.

Everyone seemed a little sad and disturbed (and no not shocked, it doesn't come as a shock at all) that India is ranked among the worst countries for women. A "little" sad and disturbed, cos it is as bad as it is, we  always knew, but by the regular Indian logic of things, we just hoped that there were a few countries that were a little worse so we wouldn't be "ranked" so high. Just like everything in India, how good or how bad you personally are doesn't count. All that counts is relativity. Even if we are pathetic, as long as there are people who are more pathetic than us, we are all happy. 

Ok. ok. Coming back to the topic of women. So India is a terrible and most unsafe place for women.Why? Aren't women raped and molested anywhere else? Aren't they attacked and their physical weakness preyed upon? Oh yes, they most definitely are. It is a phenomenon that exists all over the world. There are totally sick, crazy, deranged people all over the globe. They are incapable of thinking beyond the ecstasy of that particular moment. They are incapable of evaluating the consequences for everyone involved, and, they are completely incapable of feeling any kind of fear of the punishments associated with the crime (give due importance to the word "crime") when they are completely taken over by the power and excitement of that moment. They are just simply sick and deranged and criminals. Yes, admittedly these sickos exist everywhere. 

So what makes India so special? No, I'm not going into the high numbers and statistics, because even that is associated with this particular specialty. Cos India's specialty is that, rape and molestation is ALWAYS justified. In other words, it is NOT a crime enough.The people who do it are not momentarily deranged or sick. No. They are very intelligent, very decent citizens who commit these acts in an attempt to protect the morality and dignity of women and the values of a country as a whole. It is not a crime, no. In fact, it is the justified punishment for a crime that the women have actually committed by following a certain lifestyle or wearing a certain kind of dress. And if the "victim" (I'm not even sure if I can use that word considering they are actually being punished for their crime) happens to be a very "decently" and modestly dressed hapless lady, returning on the metro from her college or work or even a school student, then her crime is as simple as being out alone at certain hours in a slightly lonely compartment.

And the rest of us are all the same as the rapists themselves? Cos, those who give and the rest of us who buy this explanation are not only agreeing that it is okay to rape and molest a woman who is unfortunate enough to have to earn her living as a sex worker, but have made our conscience so non existent, that once we have convinced ourselves that the woman is "bad", then we can just as easily convince ourselves that the rape was justified and that "she asked for it". Nice. 

And yes, with that philosophy that it's okay to rape a "bad woman", in this great land, rape is , hence, justified.

Not just by the perpetrators, but even by the so called defenders like the police, the politicians and certain rather powerful ladies, like the chief of the National Commission of Women (I'm sure you all can sense the slight irony there somewhere). Yes. In India it is always the woman's fault. Hence, not only will you be raped and molested (Like what can happen outside India as well), but to top it, it will always be your fault for bringing it on to yourself. 

Hence, where, in any other place, rape is a heinous punishable act, no matter who gets raped, in our country, where we bow our heads to strong female deities, it is ok to punish "loose" women by raping them and the "not so loose" women for just being where they were. In other words, it is a totally justified act, no matter who gets raped.

I am not one for publicly bashing my country. In fact, through all the ups and downs that this nation has seen I have maintained and always will maintain that we have only gone ahead and gotten better from where we were a few years back and slowly all possible loose ends will more or less get tied, despite all the politicians and corruption. But this, not the fact that the crime exists in a certain statistics, more than other countries, but that one of the most heinous crimes in the universe can be so simply justified away by the law makers themselves, this makes me hang my head in shame in front of the rest of the world. Yes. We have failed. And how.

Just Another Day at Work

There are some things that really cannot be avoided in a day's work and is usually handled by employees cribbing in the cafeteria till, at times, it gets too unbearable and they leave, only to crib in another organisation. In this series, I am attempting to log a few of these things, that may at some point of time, help me from falling into the same trap as an employer or team leader (at least the avoidable ones, cos basically we are mostly tuned to love to hate our jobs/bosses). Some conversations/ snippets may be real, some may be reported by friends and some may be purely fictional. The intention is not to log the occurrences but only the learnings from them.

So, one morning, the boss person (TBP) asked me about this document I should have been completing and sending to him. I informed him that since my laptop isn't starting, I would be reworking the document from another system and sending it. To this he replies with great mock-shock and incredulity in his voice, "what do you mean by "rework"? It's just downloading a form, entering the remarks we discussed  in a new column and sending it back, right?!". 

Me: Yes. And that is what I said I will do 

(In my head (IMH): Yes sweetheart, it is that only. But even that doesn't get typed by itself, eh?)

TBP with his usual smirk: "Yeah. But, when you said "rework" the document, it sounded like there are some 100 pages to type".

Me: (this completely IMH cos I am already walking on very thin ice with him most days): Ohh really? And which part of "I'l type it again from a different system and send it to you today" implies that?!

And as if this was not enough. 

TBP: So when are the onam holidays?

Me: From 28th to 31st.

TBP: 4 days are HOLIDAYS?

Me: Yes sir (IMH: Yes. Right. Just shout like that and the 4 days might get frightened enough to become 1)

TBP, With great drama and frustration: Oh Great! This is just simply great!

(IMH: Erm....Yes. 4 days can very drastically affect the progress of this project, that hasn't moved one step in the last 4 years)

Seriously. Could you for once, just try NOT to be over smart and sarcastic and bitchy? Who in the world taught you that bosses have to be assholes, anyways? There are different ways to it, you know, which are not even very tough. Like, for eg., not losing your cool and not getting angry at an employee who informs you of a sudden hartal or a local holiday. Seriously, try it some time. It's not that tough. Not even for you, jerk. 

I completely fail to understand this urge that TBP has to render everything super-important and super-urgent, even the things, that by the judgement of a normal employee like me, are mundane and random. Who do you think you are fooling by making everything we do/don't do sound like a major crisis. It might work, once, at the max twice, especially if the employee is new to the organisation. But how much IQ do you think your employees lack, to not be able to see through these charades? And, how do you think it affects the organisation when employees get so damn used to you 'crying wolf' for every little teeny report.

It is very simple. Reduce the amount of self-importance you have, and learn to respect your employees. Learn to treat them as thinking, intelligent, sensible folks and then talk to them. You know what giving some respect will gain you, as against questioning and burning sarcasm? A little respect in return. We will want to do things fast and efficient cos we think you are sensible and worthy of our efforts and if you are saying it's urgent, it really must be. Dude, no one is dispensable, we understand that. But never ever make the mistake of considering "dispensable" as "dis-respectable". Cos both (in)dispensability as well as respect are things that work both ways.

So, in this article I would like to highlight three major flaws in TBP's ways:

1. Making a major hue and cry of a small issue like a hartal or a local holiday, knowing fully well that in the current context of things, one day, or one week, doesn't make any difference.

2. Making every single document and every single mail, a matter of extreme urgency, and following up a hundred times with sarcasm and questioning, such that finally, for the employee, all matters become of no importance. Remember the saying: "when everybody is somebody, nobody is anybody"? well, that applies to work too. If all work is extremely and equally urgent, then no work is more urgent than the other.

3. Finally, after all the hullabaloo you made to get the document, not even glancing at it for weeks together to only call back 2 months later to ask, "Had you sent it to me? If yes, can you tell me on what date so I can check". Really, dude, you can only do it twice at the max for any self respecting individual to not want to work for you or at your "extremely urgent, need it as of yesterday" documents for exactly those 2 months. 

Be realistic with targets, real with your expressions and respecting in your demands; and you will be respected and responded to. 

The weaker? sex.

"Of all the evils for which man has made himself responsible, none is so degrading, so shocking or so brutal as his abuse of the better half of humanity; the female sex (not the weaker sex)." - Mahatma Gandhi, 1921.

Still Just an Apology

Yes, you made a mistake. But, a mistake is just human. We all make them .

Yes, you say that you acknowledge what you did was wrong, as well. But guess what, sometimes an acknowledgement is not good enough. 

Sometimes it takes a truly heartfelt, tearful apology that conveys that you have comprehended the magnitude of your mistake and sincerely believe that no punishment can make up for it. That conveys not just an apology, but gratitude to the other person for accepting the apology.

And then sometimes, that is still all that it takes.

Considering what you had, what you put me through for the last two years, the cheating, the neglecting, the ignoring and the complete lack of acknowledging the existence of me and my son, all you still had to do was show me the respect of a truly desperate, heartfelt, apology. How much simpler could it get?

Just once in these 365 days that I gave you, AFTER I found out about the cheating, when I was all alone running around like crazy trying to manage a career, bring up a happy baby, running a home to feed 4 people, while my parents were sustaining your expenses in Pune, AND while I was still managing to put up a happy front so as to not let anyone suspect that something was wrong, all you STILL had to do was give me the basic respect of a truly heartfelt apology and convince me that you truly want me back and I would STILL have simply come back with you, if only because my son deserves that chance.

But, you didn't.

I wonder what it is I did that made me so irrelevant and worthless in your eyes.

I know couples that take each other for granted at times. But, this belief of yours that no matter that you cheated on me at a time when I was all alone taking care of our 10 month old son while managing a career so as to support our lives (all 3 of ours), no matter that even after I found out about it, I said let's move forward and instead of apology and gratitude that I put it all behind me the same night, you pointed out to me that there were "issues" in this marriage and hence we must reconsider if we should move forward.

After this humongous insult on an already indescribable injury, I still gave you a whole bloody year. For what? Only for an apology and a declaration that you truly want ME back. ME. Not only for Sid, not only for  you, your parents, your society,  but for ME. And you couldn't give me that. You didn't give me that.

No. I don't want to repeat and relive what the last two years, especially the last year, has been for me.

My point? 

My biggest hurt, the biggest insult, the biggest pain in my life aren't the wrongs that were done to me. I am someone who forgets wrongs very easily. I melt like butter if you say the right words, look at me the right way, smile the right smile, respect me enough not to not hurt me, but to think me important enough  to apologize the right way. And you did not give me that. I wish you had respected me enough for that.

If not, I wish you had at least respected me enough to say that you are sorry, but you believe we should not be together. I just wish you had respected me enough to just not keep me hanging for one whole year after and during what I was already facing in my life.

Basically, an apology. Not one that you believed was enough, but one that I was convinced was it. Cos, no matter who has to be convinced, it is still JUST an apology, right, after everything that has been done?

Roots? Or Chains?

Just started reading this book called Gift in Green by Sarah Joseph. (Guess that is the Malayali in me.) Anyhow, in the very beginning of the book is an incident of a young fellow leaving behind his "water tribe" to try and make it big in the city. Someone that the entire tribe hence treats as a deserter, as someone who forgot his roots, or as someone, in the book's language, 'who is too lazy to work with his own body' and till his own land. 

What is with our culture and these self imposed roots? In fact the word roots feels so very accurate to describe these rules because though we all love our roots, they are also the ones that seem to keep us rooted to century old beliefs and a social system that is evidently not working. Everywhere you look, everyone you know is torn between these "should be done (though I don't like it)" vs "want to do (though there is nothing morally wrong with it)". Why?

Leaving your tribe/trade to make better money and better your situation, how can that be forgetting ones roots and being lazy? Not deciding to marry and instead adopting a homeless child and bringing her up like a princess, how? Or, deciding to not live with someone because they don't make you happy is a crime over trying to be happy yourself so that your kids also get the best mother from you is also going against your culture, even selfishness.

Why is this society so submerged in it's own guilt, limitations, cowardliness? Why is the society out to prove that finding your own betterment and wanting to be happy is a crime. And let me tell you, they can give you very very convincing reasons for the same. 

I don't have these answers. I don't think I can change much about this outlook. But my simple, possibly foolish, plausible explanation for this is jealousy. The very abundant belief that 'if I don't have it and I took the easy way of continuing to do something I don't like because I don't have the guts to break out of it, no one else should. And if they do, it is because they have no morals.' We are all chained down in our head. We are all afraid to break "customs" and "culture". These are good, the reasons we are not animals. However, if they become chains for us even when we want to better ourselves (and not actually go back to being animals) then these are only excuses. Excuses made by weak minds for not doing. Excuses made my weak minds for not letting it be done.

Fly Away Emotions...

There is a part of my story, one of the most important parts really, that I have not introduced in this space. The post I wrote yesterday is my first mention of that here. It is the story of my marriage. Rather, the pain and trauma I went through in the last one year alone because of certain developments that happened in this "marriage". During that pain, during those days of darkness and loneliness, during the first two unbearable months of confusion and insult and losing respect for self, tears and loneliness, I took refuge in just letting my emotions flow on a blank white screen. 

Finally today, I have added those 3 months of my life as a page in this blog call The Pain. It is nothing but emotions that I could not control or comprehend in those couple pf months. The ones that probably might have been shared with a sister or a close friend. But, A. I don't have either. And B. I have not been very comfortable letting my emotions show to this raw an extent to another individual. Finally however, I decided this should be out here so that people who read this know me, know my life. I also felt that this should be out here so that if any guy who is planning to cheat or simply be insensitive and inattentive, reads this, he learns to do the right thing because now he knows the emotions the girl goes through before recovering and firmly locking him and these emotions out of her life forever. But mostly, I decided to put it here because this phase is over. Decisions are still to be taken, things are yet to be put in action, but I'm not in pain, self doubt or trauma and I have more or less put the emotions and unfortunately, the person firmly out of my heart and mind (so to speak. Cannot be completely done due some practical considerations). Right now I love that I went through this also cos this has also made me what I am today. More important than making me, this has shown me, me. Made me fall in love with me. Made me respect me and believe (no matter how conceited it sounds) that I am a much much better, warmer, stronger and truer person that I knew I ever was and than most I have ever met.

By publishing this, I am basically releasing the last remaining bit of that pain and that (shame?) that I had kept hidden from the world. This is also me, dear world. This is also what i have felt and gone through. And I am proud of being this, and coming out of this and now being the me I am. So there!. :D

When Do I Draw the Line, Then?

Where do I draw a line? Seems like I don't have the liberty to draw a line. I don't have the liberty to ever say that enough is enough, you put me through enough pains already and now I don't think you deserve me, because if the Dad wants the kid then nothing is ever enough.

Anyone can treat me badly, can neglect me as much as they please, can quietly sit back acting ignorance when I struggled to juggle raising an infant, having a career, running a home, being emotionally neglected and going through major relationship mess all at the same time and yet, when they saunter back into my life, say they want me and the kid, cry and beg in front of everyone and finally play the last card that says "don't you think we must do whatever it takes to give the kid all the chances he deserve?", then what else can I do but to give them that "one more chance" all over again. 

After everything someone has put you through, after taking an year to make up their mind, after having all the fun they wanted and then after thinking that now is a good time for them to settle and have a family around to show off and live that "dream life", they come back and beg and plead in front of all the people in the equation then they become good. And if I say "Too late, I hate what you have put me through and no matter what you do, I wouldn't be able to change my mind and start loving being around you", I become the selfish bad person, cos after all, everyone had the final card that says "How can you decide how late is too late for a 2 year old kid". True. Very true. one can't, least of all his mother. And, i don't want to so I wont. 

This person, who could have put an end to my suffering at any moment, who should have been the one to support and comfort me instead of giving me all the pain he did during my already difficult years, chose not to do it till he felt that now the time is just right for him to have a family. And even then, people finally only remember his crying and pleading and conveniently forget everything I have gone through in the last 5, what should have been the most beautiful, years, cos all everyone has ever wanted in this lifetime is the comfort of the "farce dream life" where everything "looks normal' and the "safety" and the "security" that this so called institution provides. 

Do I have the right to want 'happiness"? Oh, but of course. But, my happiness is derived from the happiness of my son only, isn't it. And that I brought him up alone for the first two years and completely know that I will continue to do it, despite a little trouble and a few difficult questions in between, is of little consequence. And, if I do pursue my personal happiness in the form of not living with a man I hate, and disrespect, who has neglected me during my most difficult times, who repeatedly insulted me and treated me badly, then I become selfish. I am this person who chose to put my own happiness in the forefront as against the possibility of giving my son a happy, "normal" life. . Why? All because he cried and pleaded and wanted us back when the time was right for him, and I didn't give my kid the "one more chance" at a normal life. And because, whether I bring up a happy, normal baby or not, it is more important that he have this "father figure" living in the same house.

What is this world where there is guilt in being happy; 

• Where the statistics that "80% of the families function together for the sake of the children and love and all is just in the movies" is accepted and actually touted as the reason why you should say yes and go with a man who did all this to you
• Where, you know no matter how much he tries now, even genuinely tries, he can never ever make you fall in love with him again after all that you have been through.
• Where this man taught you the very very hard way, that you don't need him, you can do things well by yourself and be happy, and still you are made to feel that you are obliged to go back, cos now he has come calling at his own time. 
• Where, knowing that you don't need him, that he doesn't deserve you, that he constantly hurt and neglected you is nothing in front of "he wants to live with his son and hence shall try to keep you happy", cos that is all that matters. He said he will try, didn't he? what more can he do now? True. very true.
• Where it is understood that I will bring my son up amazingly cos I AM, and no one can deny this bit, a very very wonderful mother, whether I live alone and happy, or with a man who hurt me and hence unhappily; but all that matters is I do the latter so he can have this father figure in his life, cos that is more important.
• Where, I live with a man because 'Did he hit me?' No, 'Did he drink and abuse me?' NO, He did say he doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage, but after one year, didn't he change his mind? Yes. Then, that is all that matters. Cos it is all so that the child has his parents in the same house.

What is this, dear world? What a mess you have made of yourself.

Of Egos, Complexes and Complications

Ego is such a messy thing. How difficult a colleague, a partner, a friend, family, even, just a person, you tend to become when you are carrying around this terrible weight of 'self'. How difficult and hated. How inconvenient to be around.

We have a colleague around here. Every time he asks for money for various site expenses, the accounts guys have no options but to ask for bills, clarifications, explanations etc. because that is the procedure. That is their job. However, every time he IS asked, a fight ensues - they are "doubting" him, are "implying that he is cheating and lying", they looked at him a particular way, smiled a particular way, they verified things with each other regarding the process while he was sitting there, he didn't like the "words" that were used or even the "tone". In short, he believes the world doesn't 'respect him enough'. One day he came for getting signatures on some papers and the concerned person was out. He asked the account guy for money without the signatures, which was naturally refused. He started screaming and shouting and saying he wasn't being respected enough and made to run around and what not. And all this is very justified inside his head. he is still right and the world is unjust and out to get him.

It's sad really. He walks into the room and people cringe and escape. During these fights he happens to say  things like "They respect me, but you guys treat me badly". And when he is gone, people here call and say to people there 'you guys respect him, eh?' and there are major guffaws all around. It is really sad. 

I don't understand how people live their whole lives in this self constructed mess of complexes and egos and self deceit. It must be such a heavy burden. Such listless sleep and so much worry thinking who hates him for whom. so much paranoia and so much self-pity. Its so complicated.

• First, YOU think (in some cases know) you are actually not good enough and some people are simply doing you a favor by being nice. 
• You grudge them their superior position and their "favors".
• You also envy everyone around you who is actually good, and who get accolades, and who seems comfortable in their own skins and have no complaints.
• You hate people who don't sit down and crib and cry and agree with you. 
• Then you work hard. But, the purpose of your hard work is not a good project or accolades in line of your efforts, but a self deceiving process to make yourself and others believe that you actually are good enough (even better) than those in power.
• Then, when your efforts get you recognition for your hard work from the very same people, you are still not satisfied and grudge them the position where they can actually applaud your work from their superior positions.
• You are constantly unsatisfied, feel like the world is not just, scream about your efforts wherever you can and "demand" respect and attention and crib and shout to whoever is around.
• In the process, people actually take notice of you, start disrespecting you and look down upon you and some even start treating you in the exact same way that you had imagined you were being treated in the first place.

Ugh! What a shit load of useless thinking and efforts. And why?!

I have only one thing to say about this. If you really want people to love and respect you, to want to talk to you and enjoy the conversation, for friends and family to visit your house and make you feel included, it all starts with you accepting yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, good and bad, loving yourself and most importantly, being comfortable in your own skin. Know yourself and love yourself. If you are confused about who you are, how will others ever know you. If you are uncomfortable being you, that shows. And then everyone else is uncomfortable being with you. 

My Latest Earworm

My latest ear-worm. Oh yes a Malayalam song, who would have thought?! :D

No, seriously. Lately I am discovering and seriously falling in love with a lot of Malayalam movie songs all thanks to this new genre in Malayalam. What new genre, you say. It is the never before heard happy, peppy, fun and yet melodious numbers. Many recent movies I managed to catch these days have really really enjoyable music. 

I have had very limited exposure to Malayalam songs. But among whatever I had heard from the the few cassettes my parents kept, gave me this impression that all the well loved, popular Malayalam numbers are all ...well...sad. It was like people believed that good songs should either be classical or sad. By sad I don't mean every single one was based on tragedy or heartbreak or any bad incident. It's just that even the songs sung on happy occasions, or melodious romantic numbers seemed to not be peppy and fun. I agree, this is very taste specific.And once again, I repeat, there definitely are very many beautiful exceptions and not just that, I admit that all these songs also have many, many takers. However, that was and to quite some extent continues to be my overall impression about all Malayalam music. That it is slow and sad a little depressing and haunting at times. And the ones that were made for real fun loud occasions were just that, loud and noisy. so it was like:

Melodious song for even happy occasions = slow and sad sounding though with beautiful (though sad) music and happy lyrics.

Fast numbers for fun occasions = loud and brash. Absent of any kind of aesthetic quality.

What seemed to be missing was melodious, soothing and beautiful, aesthetically done songs that were also fun, fast and peppy.

Throughout this article I'm not trying to say that one kind of music is bad and the other is good. I'm just saying that I didn't enjoy Malayalam music till now cos:

1. I had no access to new Malayalam music and all my impressions are based on cassettes and compilations (Best of 1991, Best of Yesudas etc.). So, the chances are that I might have missed out on a lot many many songs.

2. Well, basically, my personal choice. i like happy peppy numbers. Even the romantic, melodious ones should sound HAPPY.

And then suddenly, over the last few years I have finally started listening to these really beautiful, melodious happy numbers (Most of the credit goes to FM) and have started loving them. Especially because of the combination of the very natural Malayali sense of music aesthetics and lyrical profoundness and beauty, even a little folk/traditional feel WITH peppiness, beats, foot tappability and just Fun.

I can think of a list of songs that combine all these properties, but right now I am not posting one of those. What I would like to post here is my latest earworm, which in all sense of the world is FUN.

IF, a poem by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Of Confidence, Over confidence and... Insanity

If I feel that people are not talking to me, that many people from my family or people from my workplace don't seem to like me, my first and foremost thought would be "what am I doing wrong?".

Now, here is a "man". He hates his whole family. His brothers, sisters-in-law, his nieces, their husbands, and even their infant kids(read 1 year old) have a list of "wrong doings", bad behavior and ego hassles (with him) in his books. According to him, they all like each other and always call each other and plot and plan against him and keep him out of all discussions.(!!!) According to him they are all walking around with egos and inferiority complex because he is this super-awesome successful (Hahahahaha) man. (Is there some scientific name for a mental condition of inflated self importance of this extent?). In a nutshell, everyone else in this world, his complete family, everyone he works with/deals with don't like him because (and hold your breath for this one)...THEY are all bad people with complexes and problems, who are beneath him and don't know how to behave and only he and his wife and kid are the awesome ones. And the worst bit? The sub-standard, street-worthy language he uses with his family or while bitching about them to whoever listens.I wonder how people of such high class and standards use such words so readily. Guess they must have learned them specially for communicating with/about the rest of his (bad) family who are beneath him.

And then, as they say, behind every super awesome successful man, there is a woman, he is also blessed with the supporting kind. So, when he screams and abuses at his elder brother, used to talk shit (literally) about his father and mother and treats his younger brother and family like completely beneath his attention, his wife sits by his side and smirks. And, if any of us (very adult) kids have had enough of this bad behavior, his sub-slimy, sub-standard, cheap, bad mouthing, and finally say something in response, the madam grandiosely walks in and say "please talk to my husband in accordance to your age." (I wonder if she has noticed that her husband is younger to his parents and elder brother)

I mean, they actually keep their neighbor brother's post with them and find it beneath themselves to give it or even let them know that these letters exist. The brother is supposed to just go there from time to time and beg for those in just the right words and tone! Can you beat that shit?

Now friends, especially of the doctors of the mind variety, please enlighten me as to what could be the cause of this supreme and total self confidence that prevents any doubt whatsoever that there might be some issue with self, when one cannot get along with the rest of the  world. This supreme belief, that  no matter whoever hates me, it is always always someone else's fault, and I am always better than the rest.  Because, if this is a mental illness we all could find it in our hearts to not hate and detest this man and wife and treat them with some sympathy instead. 


And instead, if it is something else, then too much of it is bad of course, as you can see from the symptoms above, but I'd like a little, teensy-weensy bit of what he smokes to take care of any self -doubt and confidence related issues in life.