Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Experiences...Beyond Explanation

Many a times have I found myself in a situation where I try to explain certain experiences or just some regular aspects of my life, expecting people to know exactly what I am talking about and nod in agreement, just to realize that I seem to be making no sense whatsoever. The whole aspect is completely lost on those who haven't 'been there and done that'. There used to be a time that I would get very worked up if I failed to explain their importance and advantages. But, over the years I have learned to accept that these same things can seem to be absolutely irrelevant to others, in fact a majority of the others. But, I still wish everyone could experience these at least once and know what they have been missing out in their lives (acceptance is relative...*smiles).Well, to each his own...


So today, I decided I should make a list of some of these irreplaceable, indispensable, the most routine and yet the most precious aspects of my life...


1. Just the other day, I'd been sitting among friends-coffee, conversation et. al, and a couple of us

started talking about pets. I for one have grown up among pet dogs from when I was about 7 and can't imagine life any other way. I can't imagine coming back home not being greeted like the king of the world amidst tail wagging, jumping, whining and licking!
I can't imagine not being loved as unconditionally as that, no expectations, no responsibilities, no grudges and hurt. 'Just be around and I'l love you starry eyed for ever'. Who in today's world love's anyone at all like that? Not in any human relationships for sure...
I can't imagine missing out on the companionship and closeness of the warmth near your feet, the paw on your lap, the occasional wet licks and just the happy presence.
Also, as a kid, dealing with these lovely friends who cant speak, express or understand (but still seem to do just that), taught me patience, understanding, compassion and empathy ...Our home has never felt emptier when one of these furry darlings have not been around. Life with a Pet Dog definitely Tops my charts for the best experiences in the world, but one that you need to experience to understand. :)



2. Coming up a close second would be losing myself amidst the pages of a good book...Whether it is after a hard days work, right before hitting the bed or if its on days like today when I have little else to occupy myself with, nothing can give me more fulfillment and peace than to allow myself to travel the world through the words of a good writer, to meet and know new characters, to feel what they feel, to experience the adventures and emotions and get transported to a new time and place at the turn of each page.I can't start to explain to those who haven't or don't enjoy the experience, but I agree with all my heart with the person who said that"Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how toread a book".





3. Some time back, Pradeep and I did a 14-16 hr Chennai Trivandrum road trip. In fact, it wasn't even our first. But the reactions from most of our friends and well wishers when they heard about it were different variations of "are you out of your mind", "what where you two thinking", "why in the world would you do something so unnecessary" and so forth...all delivered with raised eyebrows and incredulous looks. Well, what can one say? The adventure, the thrill, the excitement of stopping at new places, to eat and freshen up, asking for directions, looking for road signs, the music playing, and the togetherness in that small space with no tv, cooking, cleaning, work-calls or anything else to bother you can not be equaled by many other experiences...



Whats more, even this one is a second nature to me thanks to being from a very adventurous family in the matter of long trips. On various occasions, when I was somewhere between 3 years and 9 years old, my parents, our huge Labrador retriever and I have all pooled into our tiny Maruti 800 for 3-4 days road trips from Delhi to kerala and Back, Jabalpur to Kerala and so on and so forth every time my dad would get transferred to a new place. And guess the main purpose of not taking a train? Well, just that trains had horrible facilities to take care of the canine member of our family. (Back to my point 1)*smiles. And this was back in mid to late eighties when the roads were bad, there was no inhabitance for miles n miles, no facilitites like road signs and mobile phones and you wouldnt see another vehicle for hours together, no restaurants and hotels peppering roadsides, we stopped at dhabas for our meals.


Even as I write this I can imagine the eyes of many of the people reading this article, widening in shock and disbelief, and thoughts similar to ones quoted above running through your minds. But guess what, the lessons, joys, adventures, the adjustments, the closeness and the spirit of such an experience is something one will treasure the whole of their life...


4. Since this has gone long enough already, I'l end the article with this last one, and that is my life

as an army kid. Now typically, army kids in our country have been described as " (defense) brats", "spoilt", "over confident" etc on the one hand and "overly disciplined" and so forth on the other. Well, whatever the descriptions, the process of growing up as a 'defense kid' can second none.
Since its practically impossible to compare and list out all the differences and meaning of the process called "growing up' as a defense kid without starting a new article, I'm just going to try and mention a few of the important aspects:


Let's see:
  • being exposed to the importance of ranks, seniors and subordinates, orders, discipline, adherence to strict uniforms and so on very very early in life, consciously or sub-consciously.
  • Attending parties, knowing the difference between formal dress code functions and casual get - togethers, learning to wish everyone as soon as you meet
  • Importance of taking up some kind of sports when you see all the adults around you do the same,
  • Regular picnics, shopping at the canteen, dinners at the Mess, being able to run around the whole cant. relatively unsupervised just because of the safety of being inside the area knowing everyone knows whose son/daughter you are,
  • knowing almost ALL of your neighbours - playing with the kids, visiting them, eating over, sleep overs and so on. and this could be never ending.
  • But most important to me was the adjustments that came with moving around once every 2-3 years, making new friends in a jiffy, accepting new people and places and settling in without any fuss, getting used to new ways and patterns without complaints, keeping in touch with old friends through letters trying to keep a track of when they have shifted cities, all of which teaches a kid of that age important traits of "adjustment", "acceptance", "compromises", "mingling with others", "meeting, talking and making new friends" and so on......
Well, when I started writing this article, it was meant to be just a list, but as i kept on, it occured to me that each of these experiences are only mean the most precious to me (along with being the most difficult for me to describe the importance of to others), but have also shaped me into the person I am today. Each and every single one of them has taught me something new and instilled in me some quality or the other, good or bad(*wink)...and I am very thankful for these and other experiences that I have been able to experience in this short life of mine and for everything they have given me.


(And once again, I wish everyone would try these at least once in their lives before judging us mad *smiles...)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Silenced By Silence

Somehow I have not been able to put into words the many thoughts, emotions and events that seem to be occurring around me all these days, while I seem to be floating through my life enveloped in a misty hazy cloud.

These past few days, I have not even been able to analyze or comprehend
anything that I have been hearing or seeing or even thinking. Every time I open my blog page attempting to write down a thought or event, I merely end up on a read quest. I managed to increase my list of 'blogs to follow' and have been reading away and envying the ease with which all the others have been able to understand and express right from their souls. But even this journey into other's hearts has failed to enable me to sort out my thoughts and put them on this blank white screen.
I have been pondering the many topics that have crept into the space in my head - from world affairs, to books Iv been reading, to the movies iv been seeing, to conversations Iv been having and most importantly, the silence surrounding most of my days, as thats when my thoughts speak to me the best. But, somehow I haven't gotten the drive or the inspiration to go beyond a few words on anything, leaving a trail of drafts in my posts list.

What I fear the most is letting this new, drawn out silence to encompass every aspect of self expression known to me, leaving me with only enough strength for absorbing feelings of complete strangers.
I wonder if I'm drifting further away from this unexpected, unnerving present that I am in, and losing myself in the strange silent abyss...

Or maybe, its just 'one of those days'.... spreading out over more days each time....till later

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Unknown, Undefined...Fondly Remembered


One of the Books I had read in the recent past was Brida by Paulo Coelho, the story of a young girl's efforts to find her true calling and more importantly to unite with her soul mate. Though the book was not one of my best reads by any stretch, the author's vivid imagination and description, especially with regards to the existence of, search for and identification of one's soul mate left me with a lasting impression. An impression, which - along with a recent unexpected closeness, many conversations and now an expected yet sudden silence from someone - has me thinking... wondering.....

I don't consider myself a die hard romantic; neither am I a skeptic who strongly disputes the existence of anything I have not seen or experienced. I have not really given a thought to the existence of "soul mates" in more than a generic we-get-along -surprisingly - well OR our-wavelengths match-better-than-others kind of a way.

However, for a few weeks now, I have been wondering about how, among the hundreds of thousands of people we come across in our lives, it is just a few handful who leave a permanent mark in our heart and take a special place. No, I am not talking about the people we are destined to be born among - not our parents or siblings or the innumerable relatives. Not even our spouse or friends. But instead, those others with whom our paths cross in the long walk of life, maybe its called destiny.It may be someone we meet on a journey, in a party, at school or college, or even someone we may have met online while chatting - a complete stranger, developing a bond, a relationship that has no name, no definition. A chance meeting, a wonderful conversation, sometimes even a hope for a lasting friendship, sometimes knowing that we may never meet again......

Why does life ensure that we come across these people for such short durations and still remember them for ever?
Why have I felt so comfortable with someone, that in just one meeting, just an online conversation, I have been able to trust them with all my thoughts and secrets, been able to share my feelings?
Why has the connection been so strong and so quick that we seemed to understand all that was said, and even unsaid, found joy in discussing the most insignificant to the most important, feeling content and happy in this sharing, all the time knowing that we may never meet or even speak again?
Is this what is called destiny? Is this a kind of soul to soul connection that we keep renewed over various lives?
Is it some higher calling to teach me a new lesson or pass some message, to add a new shade to life, derived from that one meeting?

In fact, thinking back over some people who have come and gone, and some who have still remained in touch, I feel
I have learned the most in life from these strange nameless, undefined relationships. Among all the people surrounding me, who have claims on my time and attention, among relatives and friends whom I talk to and spend time with most part of the day, I still find myself wondering at times about those few, that I came across by mere chance, have spoken to a handful of times and now find myself dreaming, wondering if destiny shall ever cross our paths again...if we shall ever again speak...if I am even remembered the same way as I remember them...
As my life goes on on one side, these thoughts, these conversations seem to take up a parallel life, a different time from the one I live in, not part of this present but still a part...they feel surreal, like a soft breeze, a dream...

I wonder if such a comfort, the ease stems from the very fact that no compulsions or commitments are involved in these chance encounters. No expectations and responsibilities that come with all other defined, named and accepted relationships. Like the incident in my life right at this instance, people are free to walk away, travel places, not be obliged to leave as much as an offline 'hi', not make me feel as if I'm obliged to ask after their travels, and we go on to live the rest of our lives without any ties, guilt or hurt. All there is, is a surreal connection, a joy of having met, a hope of being remembered, a knowledge of the existence of a soul somewhere in this world that touched my soul and knows my presence. As described by Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist, in just missing each other we remain connected at some level and our hearts send and receive signals beyond normal modes of human comprehension. Or as maybe understood from 'Many Lives, Many Masters' (Dr. Brian Weiss), the people who come into our lives are a bunch of souls that have strongly connected in one life, and who keep coming together and crossing paths over further lives, thus sometimes forming close relations and ties and sometimes such unexpected quick connections that go beyond our comprehension.

I would like to once again emphasize that I am neither a believer nor a skeptic in matters relating to the spiritual, especially aspects of life, death, after life, souls etc...and this discussion is not about the existence or non existence of reincarnations and supernatural connections. Instead, it is just this recent unexpected presence followed by the expected absence, that made me sit back and wonder why I connected, understood, was best understood by and why I still remember some people and hold them special. Just the unknown regarding if I will ever speak with them again makes me touch upon all these subjects that have subconsciously stayed in memory from the time I have read these books.

So when I think of these people, who unknown to them, have become special to me in a world that exists apart from my more real world, I wonder if we are souls that have connected in other times, in other lives. If the surprising and quick closeness and trust are just a continuation of a stronger bond from some very very distance past. I wonder if my heart sends signals to theirs especially on a lonely rainy evening, just as it receive these signals in the form of these thoughts and memories, if we shall meet again in this life or if the souls shall bridge over further lives? If there is ever a definition to these relationships, to these feelings or is it the undefined that make them divine...



"Sunn rahi hoon sudh budh khokey, mein koi kahani
Poori kahaani hai kya, kisey hai pata....
Mein tho kisi ki hokey, yeh bhi na jaani
Ruth hai yeh do pal ki ab rahegi sada..

Jo barsey sapney boond boond, Nainon ko Moond Moond
Kaisey Mein Chaloo, Dekh na sakoo, Anjaan raastey"

Lines Borrowed from the song Iktara, Wake Up Sid.



Friday, December 4, 2009

One of Those Days...



Yesterday, as well as today, have been one of those days when I wake up feeling sad, bored, very irritated and snappy and an overall pain to be with. I have not been able to figure out what to do with myself. I have been feeling helpless and angry. Like screaming at the top of my lungs from the rooftop! Like taking a long drive to I don't know where and playing my music to the full...like breaking down and crying...Like................

What HAS been hurting me these last couple of days? What are the thoughts I have been fighting from taking their permanent places in me? Thoughts that I am denying I have been having and hence not talking or writing about? Let see, I''l try and put them down:
  • It begins with the feeling, rather with the fact that I am standing at the sidelines watching the world go by.
  • That I have absolutely no purpose to my life right now and am contributing to nothing useful.
  • I have no where to get up, get dressed and head to in the morning.
  • I am not important anymore. No one calls me, waits for my mail or has meetings lined up for me. I make no contributions :(
  • Will I have a career again? Did I hurt the little I had built up by taking this long break?
  • Knowing that there were different ways of handling this, not as simple but maybe better for the career. Do I regret my decision? I don't know! But I hate to regret anything!!!
  • My days tumble into one another each day like the other. I don't even know most of the time what day of the week it is.
  • I am NOT part of anything at all.
  • Explaining to umpteen people why I am not working anymore!!!
  • Talking to friends/batch mates/ex-colleagues/husband/parents everyone and listening to them cribbing about tough work life and how much it sucks!!! "GUYS! I DON'T HAVE ANY WORK LIFE TO CRIB ABOUT. PLEASE DON'T CRIB (OR WORSE, PRAISE) YOU WORK LIVES TO ME".It makes me jealous n I feel worse bout myself.
  • The feeling that I am being left far behind in the freaking rat race that I never liked to be part of.
And so on and so forth....The list has no end and is very difficult to ignore. And I hope I have put it all down so I can now get on with it.

Mostly, I have been fighting this feeling for quite some time, not letting myself get bogged down by the fact that I am "unemployed". But, there are times like the last 2 days, when there is nothing I can do or tell myself to fight that rising fear that I may never get back into the mainstream ever again. Or the fear that everything I did the last 3 years may have just ended because of this break that I am taking now. I know it sounds ridiculous. I even know this whole depression shall disappear in a few hours. But the fact is it is still bothering me at some level deep down.
I can reason with myself just a well as anyone else reasoning with me.I do tell myself that life is about prioritizing; and not working now is because of higher priorities. On days like today I don't want anyone to reason with me and advice me on why I needn't worry because tomorrow I wouldn't be worrying at all. But today.....
And, I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't accept the fact that there had been other paths in front of me, different ways to manage these priorities at one point of time, and in the flurry of events and emotions I may have chosen the easiest way out.

In the meanwhile, I have been listening to a lot of music, catching up on a lot of reading, getting in touch with a lot of old friends and catching up with their lives, made a couple of new and interesting friends too, catching up on some painting etc. to keep myself busy. I have also been playing agony aunt to many frenz trying to sort out their lives and trying to be there, though where my own is going looks a bit hazy at times.
Since yesterday, I have even taken on doing dumb quizzes on facebook and have my farm and cafe on facebook have never had it more prompt.
I keep updating old photographs and editing albums online.
The things that boredom and an idle mind makes one resort to.

And its obvious from these activities that they don't fill my days either cos i used to find solace in reading and my ipod even at the busiest toughest times, especially then. Now, I just do them for the want of sitting down in front of something and looking like I have some purpose to my day. I luv books but more so when they are a solace to escape from a busy schedule. What do I do when all I have is books and I wanna escape them for some time?
I don't like the situation I am in. I don't like being where I am. I don't like to feel that I am not in control of my life and I just hate days like these which make me face up to the truth that I am not doing the best thing I could have and I can't blame anyone else for it . Today, I feel confused, angry, depressed, irritated, helpless...I know it will not last long...Its just one of those days...


And right now I long for a long drive by the beach, an expensive lunch at a nice coffee shop in a BIG hotel or resort by the beach or maybe a drink, or just some window shopping around town with some friends. Or maybe just a new activity I need to figure out...Its one of those days and its almost over...And I know I will wake up tomorrow happy to be able to do my favorite things on my own time...To read a nice book, to listen to my favorite music, even to go to a spa and have myself pampered, to think my thoughts, to sit alone and dream...