Don't we come across one too many people touting the certificate of sacrifice and martyrdom they have faced in the name of relationships and love. If I were to give one piece of advice to them (Not that I am asked to give many!) it would be this - Don't!!! For the sake of yourself and the sake of those you think you are doing it for, please Don't. It is a very simple thing - if you see it as a great sacrifice that you do for someone else then it is making you miserable and that is making the others feel the same way as well - guilty and like they owe you something in return. These aren't really productive feelings when it comes to love and happiness.
I'll give my own example. When my kid was born I made the choice to not work for a couple of years. To spend that time with him. Now this is NOT a "SACRIFICE" I made for HIM. This is my life choice I made because I wanted to spend quality time with My Baby and that made ME happy. Why is this difficult?
It starts from the moment people decide to have kid. Like it was a great sacrifice you made for the child to carry him/her in your womb for 9 months and bring him to this world. Really? I thought it was a choice made out of wanting a child for YOURSELF. There are a lot many other sacrifices we hear about. For eg. one of the two spouses deciding to leave their jobs or change their jobs to move and be with the other. Again, if you see this as a great sacrifice you are making for your significant other, then you are making both of yourselves miserable for life and heading for some major troubles. However, if this is a decision one would make for oneself because for you being with the other is more important than that particular job in that particular city; Basically being with the family gives greater happiness than being in a job but away from the family; then you take that pick. Don't see it as a sacrifice and more importantly don't tout it on another's face all the time. If you know that leaving this job would make you miserable and unhappy then just don't do it. Seriously. The sacrifice value of that misery is really not worth the unhappiness and unpleasantness going all around.
I have always maintained that a happy healthy relationship is a selfish relationship, by which I do not mean that don't give a damn about the other person. The point I make is, if giving a damn about the other person gives YOU a sense of joy, then it is going right. If giving a damn about other person earns you, inside your head, only a certificate of sacrifices you've made, and you are planing to achieve your joy from knowing you are a martyr then it is just wrong. So bloody wrong. And so bloody sad.
Moral: Make compromises that make you happy to make them for the others. Not ones that give you pain and then you expect to feed off that pain and expect constant gratitude and super extra consideration from others all their life, cos you caused yourself pain. That just sucks to have to be around!
P.S This one started off as a general observation post as nothing happened to piss me off while writing this. However, while I was writing this I thought of 2 - 3 characters in my life and just worked myself up to a frenzy. Hence the tone. :D
I was thinking of this lately after an acquaintance made a post on her blog about why she will never get married again. It talked a lot about sacrifices and how she felt that once married, you can't live your own life ( I disagree with this to some extent). But your post is interesting as your talking about how some actions should be perceived as sacrifice or as a sense of joy and I can tell you are one of the wiser ones. Indians are "supposed" to have kids and sacrifice for them so that the kids will serve as "old age" caretakers. The thing is they feel there is no choice to it, even if they don't want it. Children shouldn't be a sacrifice they should be welcomed to the world IF the parents want them for joy and love. Yes you have to care for them and set their priorities, so it does seem like a sacrifice but the JOY and LOVE is what is most. I'd welcome and would love to have children some point in life, but with the recent insults/harsh/narcisstic words I got from my own mom on how I "ruined" my life and I already "failed" as a item to be sold in the marriage market...I decided it is best not to marry nor have children for the sanity of the husband and kids who have to endure a very egoistic fucked up family (maternal). Sorry just so pissed about that am thinking of what to say the next time it happens (Lately I've been having some very unkind thoughts).
ReplyDeleteHey, thank you once again for taking the time to read and reply. You are absolutely right. At the end there is only one pertinent point, did that "sacrifice" make the giver or the receiver happy in the long run. It becomes like a hanging sword to be bought out at the times of the smallest problems and leaves everyone unhappy and frustrated. Whereas, if one could change the attitude to accept that that action, though for the benefit of others, makes our own self happy, we would all be so much happier all around. It is a trade off between the need to appear great and demand gratitude from others or simply help and spread happiness all around.
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