When Expectations Replace Love

Sometimes sorrow just falls into a "typical" bracket, a standard category. So standard that you don't even know what to say to the person undergoing the pain because it is so prevalent that it has almost become normal.

The other day I was listening to an extremely hurt, really sad elder sibling, who, unfortunately for him, happened to be governed by the "useless" traits of caring, family connections, love, attachments etc. while the younger sibling happened to be an over achiever in every "important" sense. The younger one had never really believed in attachments and gestures as "achievements" got him everything, way more than his elder brother ever got at home. He thrived on being admired and appreciated and learnt very early that 'being  nice' is such a waste. And the factor that made things just so, the source of admiration to one and pain to the other was your "typical Indian" father. (I know that is a sad generalization but I am sticking to the father from "Taare Zameen Par" image) This father had always, always been super proud of the achiever son and always looked down upon, judged, mocked and basically emotionally disowned the elder one leaving the mother to make him feel cared and wanted. ("bilkul tumhaarey upar gaya hai" phenomenon).

"And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to our expectations"

And, in case of this young man I was speaking to, as if dealing with the shadow of an over achieving younger sibling and a dad who turned a blind eye to, even worse, disapproved of, his (not so relevant) achievements his entire life were not bad enough, the one "safe place", the person who made home, home, the one friend and guide and strength, his mother, had passed away two years back. He was alone. Un-understood. Unloved. And hurting. The son was hurting among this bunch of heartless/emotionless strangers whose 'being strangers' itself made the pain and loneliness and abandonment of the mother's leaving much much worse for him. Cos he was the kind who cared.  To him, his mother was the screen between this constant disapproval and shame, and her going  not only took away her own presence but also exposed him to this stark, ugly empty side of his life.

So I heard him relate yet another incident in a lifelong line of incidents where his dad let him know of his disappointment and distrust. 

And what could I say to him? That it is okay? NO! It is not. It cannot be okay, ever. All you parents out there, different kids have different feelings. And if you can't see and love each of them for being what they are, instead of what you believe is ideal, then it's not them, it is YOU who are a pathetic failure in life. Today you might need your achiever son for your own sense of pride and achievement. And yet, tomorrow, when you are old and withered, who do  you think will give you any kind of emotional, "I am there for you" feeling, (buddhhaape ka sahara) support, appreciation for everything you have been through and done, and care?  The cold-hearted, over-achieving, 'I do everything for my own benefit and succeed' kid you have been so proud of all your life? Hah. Dream On!

And in all this you think you are doing wrong only by one son? You have made one of them feel abandoned,  unloved even "useless" his whole life which he has spent trying to, needing to impress you and see a spark of acceptance, pride and even  love from you. The sense of "failure" you have given that one is obvious. But what about the other? You think his academic, even career achievements, will be all he will need his whole life? You have made a monster who, right now, thinks all there is to life is "achievements". The only emotion  he thinks exists, or matters, is a sense of pride in one self and seeing  it reflected in others. What about love,  laughter, joy in small things (oh! but that is sissy), companionship, family values? You have made another YOU. An extremely unhappy, emotionally deprived, ice of a "human being" who will be another pain point to his own family. A lonely, never understood, never appreciated wife (who might eventually leave him anyways. This is the next generation, you know.) and more unhappy, either over competitive or lost in life kids, who might also eventually disown him for different reasons.  When will  this cycle end?! It is NOT ok. He will end up being the most lonely man ever and at a stage of life when he won't have his mother to screen him  from this bleakness and give him a home, a safe place.

What do I say to him? Not to get upset because it is the most common aspect of Indian parenthood? How can I say that? That is the biggest aspect of "upset" in today's Indian kids. These parents who don't really love them. Who either love their Grades or don't  love anything about them at all.

What do I say to him? 

He will feel bad. So will a million others. Some of them even hang themselves everyday.

And no, change will NOT come in the manner of every single kid learning to fit into the standard mold you want to fit them in (though the increasing statistics of stress and depression and suicide among children does suggest that you are succeeding.) The change will come when you, the parents, learn to love your children for what they are, for what they can do, for their innocence, for just being. And then they will excel, they will excel as happy, loved, satisfied individuals. They will succeed because of love and appreciation and support, not  because of fear and shame.