Saturday, May 23, 2015

But...Why?

I learnt this the Hard way. Very hard.

Now, when I say "learnt" it doesn't really mean that I have stopped making the same mistakes. It's more like I love learning so much that I keep making them over and over again.  

But, I am digressing.

So the thing that I learnt the hard way over and over again is this. We humans have a HUGE capacity to take pain. And by that I don't mean the physical kind. I mean the emotional, hurtful, really-don't-feel-like-getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning kind. We handle bereavements, separations, failures, loss, everything. We cry a bit, we hurt a bit, we mope a bit and we let time do its thing and eventually shrug it off and move forward. And yes, though on the one hand it may be said this is because of a dearth of any other option, I still find this ability to take that kind of hurt and pain and sadness and still move forward quite remarkable.

So that is established, we can take Hurt, a lot of hurt, a lot of kinds of hurt. It's even sort of easy especially when you know why it happened. When you can explain it as "I saw this coming" or "This had to have happened with how everything else was".

And THAT is what I am writing about today. How the "Why" matters. So bloody much.

Only if we knew the reasons for why some things just happen. A lot of people find peace in explaining it as "God's mysterious ways" and so on. I mean, it must be a relief when you can believe in something that strongly that the unfairness of it all doesn't hit you in the face and there is this explanation that helps you heal quicker.

But a lot of us don't have that relief. We just don't know why a completely healthy happy young person would suddenly be taken away from us because just like that their heart stops beating. We don't know why a person who tells you they cannot imagine not talking to you all the time suddenly decides to just simply cut you off, no phones, no messages, no replies and worst of all, no reasons. That is just so not fair.

I truly don't believe life is fair. I, of all people, definitely don't. I know that at every turn, every cross way there is pain, heartbreak, waiting for us. I believe that everyone must face whatever they must face in this life, and I also know that no matter how unfair, we just don't get any explanations for a lot of them. Sudden, unexpected losses of loved ones is probably the most painful thing one must endure in this lifetime and especially so when they seem so totally unreasonable like when old age, disease or even a freak accident cannot explain it for us. 

And that is exactly why I believe that whenever possible, wherever the loss, the distancing is caused by the choice of one person, the other person definitely deserves a reason. Stop talking if you don't feel like it, don't reply if you decide the person you "Couldn't survive without" yesterday has become uninteresting and blah today. That is hurtful enough for a person to deal with and will take a few days for the pain to start healing and the void to even start feeling like there is a chance to fill it. Ever. Do not top that up with the confusion and hurt of having to wonder why and imagining the worst about ourselves and our actions that might have caused the other persons' disinterest.

Do not leave them to deal with a lingering "But what did I do" for all of eternity. I am not saying that this would be the most active thought in their head for eternity. At first it will be all they can think of for a log time and then it'll become a dull throbbing thought at the back of their heads. And even as they stop thinking about the loss of that friendship/relationship and move on with their life, the 'not knowing why' just never totally goes away. 

And life is tough enough as it is with it's unreasonableness of loss, that doing that to someone by choice is simply cruel.



7 comments:

  1. There are times when you feel the person with you is not behaving like the person you thought to be. The reasons may vary from culture , style , habit or anything of such insignificance.
    And when you know that he/she is not going to change based on precedence , you simply walk away from them. No explanations given. Just silence. It's painful and it haunts you for long.
    I have done this once to my college mate , she couldn't simply accept that. But I knew it was my fault. So I couldn't give an explanation. I just switched off and moved out. The reason was so minuscule , that I am still ashamed to mention.

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    1. Thank you for your comment.
      I see that you do accept that it was your fault. All I am trying to say here is I think everyone deserves an explanation. A sudden vanishing act can come as quite a shock for anyone. A reason, however minuscule, is what could help begin the process of closure.

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    2. Life does not always give you a valid reason. When you mature , you learn to accept certain things without explanation. I am sure you too have walked out of many people's life , you met without giving an explanation. Leaving them dump founded. It happens. And when it happens , your ego get hurt. You struggle , you kick , you whine. They all are the properties of an amateur mind.

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  2. Yes, 'Just Blogger', it's life. Life happens. Hurts happen. You hurt someone. Someone else hurts you. Maybe it's karma. Mostly that's just how life is. And so I wrote about one of the aspects of hurt and how people walking out leaves the others wondering about the causes over and above the hurt. It's an observation about something that "happens". Now if you went around the internet giving a "life happens" kind of a response to every normal day to day observation on life, that would be a pretty humongous task.

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    1. I appreciate your angle " observation of something that happens ". But majority of your posts seems to be stories of being a victim of " day to day " activities. So I thought of giving you a hint that your observations are partial. Being a victim always is depressing.

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    2. Hah! You really do not know enough about me to call me a victim. And no, most of my posts are not about it either. You pick and choose a couple such posts and want to comment on them. If "giving me a hint" about how depressing being a victim is, makes you feel better about yourself, be my guest. On the other hand, it might make your reading experience more pleasant if you don't pass character judgement on people by reading some of their posts that they might have written on a bad day. Bu as I said, if it makes you feel like a bigger person...

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