Courtesy

No no! This is definitely not a preachy post teaching moral values and spewing the advantages of being nice. Quite the opposite actually! Basically, a post asking people to stop living their lives out of a sense of obligation. I am rather tired of this phenomenon where we do everything out of "courtesy" ALL THE TIME.

Okay, let me try and begin at the beginning. I am someone who always believes that it is important to be nice, to be courteous, to put others first, to show compassion and consideration, these are after all the traits that make us human. However, things have taken a downturn in these last few years in a very weird way. I say weird because these days I see courtesy being used as an obligation or rather like being held at gunpoint. Courtesy has turned into nuclear power, a good thing used for very bad ends.

Once again, getting back to the beginning (Oh this is so tough!). The other day I heard a parent tell a child, "go meet your grandmother, it is not nice manners to refuse to meet aged relatives." Really? Nice manners? If I have grand children ever and if my son needs to tell them to come meet me because of manners and courtesy, I'd consider myself such a failure. No kid, don't meet your grandparents because it's a "nice thing to do", go meet your grandparents because you love them and you want to meet them. And if you don't, then there is something the matter with the relationship you shared with them and that's okay in one case. But, do not meet all your grandparents only because you are expected to!

And we start this ingratiation training so very young, don't we.We as Indians do everything for "courtesy", "because that's the right thing to do", "Social norm", "please your parents" and a billion other variations of these reasons. And basically when I say everything, I mean every damned thing regarding living our lives.

So, finding the right person to marry at the right age, having your first kid at a certain age, then your second, then the decision to stop having kids and so on and so forth, are predefined by social/familial expectations. And I would be labelled a rebel for thinking or trying to convince anyone that these are some of the most personal decisions of our lives. In fact, majority of the kids in India have been socially conditioned by their early teens to believe that prearranged everything is the normal way of life and thinking/acting otherwise causes major disappointments from family and friends, close ones to have-never-heard-of-before, no matter how happy or successful you are in your chosen way of life.

Basically, our life is hardly OUR life. It is just an opportunity to show how courteous and considerate we are of people's expectations of how we must live it. In ways and manners that really don't affect them at all but are purely only OUR life decisions, living up to their expectations still matter. 

Very selfless in a manner, this tradition of ours. So the parents' expectations aren't really for their own benefits and the kids' actions are not for their own benefit either. Very sacrificial, and yet, doing no one any good. Bravo!

This doing things as a courtesy for these mystic "others" has trickled down into our social structure and mental makeup so very much, we can even see this in how people treat their own professions. Yeah, personal decisions for other's sake wasn't good enough. 

To begin with, most career paths are chosen by parents even before the kids are born. But that's not where I am getting at. Look at our attitudes towards "work". The driving force behind work is "We need to have a job that pays and is good enough to be publicized and garner social approval". People who follow their passions are also rebels. I have heard the phrase "married to their jobs" thrown around in great aplomb. I ask you this, when you say married to your job, do you mean I am passionate about my job, I love it, I am dedicated and get great joy from it, it is very fulfilling; Or, do you mean, I am married cos this was what was charted for me, this earns money for me, I come here and do what needs to be done and it keeps bearing me fruits in terms of promotions and bonuses (first kid, second kid and so on). 

I mean are you in love in this marriage or is it another of your functional Indian marriages, this work of yours?

How many employees do we meet who are dedicated, excited and passionate about what they do? Who are pleased to see a client not because it means a better incentive but because it means they get another opportunity to present their skill set and enjoy doing it? No, they treat you with courtesy, they earn their salaries. Because that is what they have been expected and conditioned to do all their lives without a second's thought about what they are really getting out of this for themselves. Be passionate about your jobs, be a workaholic if you will, be married to your jobs and definitely earn great money, but all I ask is love what you are married to and whatever your reasons, do it for you, for your reasons.. Get something out of it by the end of it all which is not just "I am fulfilling the expectations of my family".

I wish we could teach our kids that it is not selfish to be passionate and to love who/what you have decided to be dedicated to. My biggest wish for my kid is he never do anything in life because he feels that he owes it to me or anyone else. Oh! hell, I'm an extremist when it comes to teaching him to be courteous and compassionate and nice. I will do that to the best of my abilities. But, my only wish in his personal or professional life is he be happy, truly, completely happy with whatever decision he makes. If being single is his things, so be it. If not, I hope and pray he finds a person who can love him, treasure him and make his world that much of a better place, and he theirs. And no matter what he chooses as a profession, that is one choice I want him to take only for himself and never feel obliged to please me or this damned "society". And I also truly hope he and all the kids of coming generations learn to chose a career based on passion and interest and whatever their priorities are, even if that is money, but not based on anyone else's expectations, as a courtesy to them.

Teach your kids the slightly more difficult things like love and respect. It is easier to teach courtesy, cos hey, who can't say " this is what is expected of you by the world". It is just a slightly more polite variation of "because I told you so". But we all know what good comes out of shortcuts and taking the easy way out, especially with child rearing.

So really, teach your kids to love. Love who they are, love what they do, love the people around them so that they want to do the right things by them out of this love, and not out of fulfilling expectations.

Teach your kids to be nice and polite and less rude, because it is so wonderful to be all those thing and it keeps everyone, including themselves happy. 

Teach your kids compassion towards animals and old people and little kids. True compassion, not just manners and courtesy. 

Teach your kids to definitely consider others in situations where their actions might directly impact/affect others, because that is how you care and help. 

I think all these go a long long way instead of teaching your kids to do things because of courtesy or because it is "the right thing to do", because they are obliged to meet expectations.

Meeting your aged grandparents, getting married to the right person, loving and caring for that person, being true to them because you love them, being nice to others because you love and care, getting a job you love and doing it happily because you enjoy it (and I include earning money and living a good life as part of it because where is any happiness if times are always tough), . Basically, living a life being true to themselves, not just out of a sense of obligation.

In short, teach your kids to be happy and from there, to make others happy. Not to make others happy out of courtesy and be miserable in the process. That simply sucks, this generation of make-believe "courteous", miserable youngsters.