The weaker? sex.

"Of all the evils for which man has made himself responsible, none is so degrading, so shocking or so brutal as his abuse of the better half of humanity; the female sex (not the weaker sex)." - Mahatma Gandhi, 1921.

Still Just an Apology

Yes, you made a mistake. But, a mistake is just human. We all make them .

Yes, you say that you acknowledge what you did was wrong, as well. But guess what, sometimes an acknowledgement is not good enough. 

Sometimes it takes a truly heartfelt, tearful apology that conveys that you have comprehended the magnitude of your mistake and sincerely believe that no punishment can make up for it. That conveys not just an apology, but gratitude to the other person for accepting the apology.

And then sometimes, that is still all that it takes.

Considering what you had, what you put me through for the last two years, the cheating, the neglecting, the ignoring and the complete lack of acknowledging the existence of me and my son, all you still had to do was show me the respect of a truly desperate, heartfelt, apology. How much simpler could it get?

Just once in these 365 days that I gave you, AFTER I found out about the cheating, when I was all alone running around like crazy trying to manage a career, bring up a happy baby, running a home to feed 4 people, while my parents were sustaining your expenses in Pune, AND while I was still managing to put up a happy front so as to not let anyone suspect that something was wrong, all you STILL had to do was give me the basic respect of a truly heartfelt apology and convince me that you truly want me back and I would STILL have simply come back with you, if only because my son deserves that chance.

But, you didn't.

I wonder what it is I did that made me so irrelevant and worthless in your eyes.

I know couples that take each other for granted at times. But, this belief of yours that no matter that you cheated on me at a time when I was all alone taking care of our 10 month old son while managing a career so as to support our lives (all 3 of ours), no matter that even after I found out about it, I said let's move forward and instead of apology and gratitude that I put it all behind me the same night, you pointed out to me that there were "issues" in this marriage and hence we must reconsider if we should move forward.

After this humongous insult on an already indescribable injury, I still gave you a whole bloody year. For what? Only for an apology and a declaration that you truly want ME back. ME. Not only for Sid, not only for  you, your parents, your society,  but for ME. And you couldn't give me that. You didn't give me that.

No. I don't want to repeat and relive what the last two years, especially the last year, has been for me.

My point? 

My biggest hurt, the biggest insult, the biggest pain in my life aren't the wrongs that were done to me. I am someone who forgets wrongs very easily. I melt like butter if you say the right words, look at me the right way, smile the right smile, respect me enough not to not hurt me, but to think me important enough  to apologize the right way. And you did not give me that. I wish you had respected me enough for that.

If not, I wish you had at least respected me enough to say that you are sorry, but you believe we should not be together. I just wish you had respected me enough to just not keep me hanging for one whole year after and during what I was already facing in my life.

Basically, an apology. Not one that you believed was enough, but one that I was convinced was it. Cos, no matter who has to be convinced, it is still JUST an apology, right, after everything that has been done?

Roots? Or Chains?

Just started reading this book called Gift in Green by Sarah Joseph. (Guess that is the Malayali in me.) Anyhow, in the very beginning of the book is an incident of a young fellow leaving behind his "water tribe" to try and make it big in the city. Someone that the entire tribe hence treats as a deserter, as someone who forgot his roots, or as someone, in the book's language, 'who is too lazy to work with his own body' and till his own land. 

What is with our culture and these self imposed roots? In fact the word roots feels so very accurate to describe these rules because though we all love our roots, they are also the ones that seem to keep us rooted to century old beliefs and a social system that is evidently not working. Everywhere you look, everyone you know is torn between these "should be done (though I don't like it)" vs "want to do (though there is nothing morally wrong with it)". Why?

Leaving your tribe/trade to make better money and better your situation, how can that be forgetting ones roots and being lazy? Not deciding to marry and instead adopting a homeless child and bringing her up like a princess, how? Or, deciding to not live with someone because they don't make you happy is a crime over trying to be happy yourself so that your kids also get the best mother from you is also going against your culture, even selfishness.

Why is this society so submerged in it's own guilt, limitations, cowardliness? Why is the society out to prove that finding your own betterment and wanting to be happy is a crime. And let me tell you, they can give you very very convincing reasons for the same. 

I don't have these answers. I don't think I can change much about this outlook. But my simple, possibly foolish, plausible explanation for this is jealousy. The very abundant belief that 'if I don't have it and I took the easy way of continuing to do something I don't like because I don't have the guts to break out of it, no one else should. And if they do, it is because they have no morals.' We are all chained down in our head. We are all afraid to break "customs" and "culture". These are good, the reasons we are not animals. However, if they become chains for us even when we want to better ourselves (and not actually go back to being animals) then these are only excuses. Excuses made by weak minds for not doing. Excuses made my weak minds for not letting it be done.

Fly Away Emotions...

There is a part of my story, one of the most important parts really, that I have not introduced in this space. The post I wrote yesterday is my first mention of that here. It is the story of my marriage. Rather, the pain and trauma I went through in the last one year alone because of certain developments that happened in this "marriage". During that pain, during those days of darkness and loneliness, during the first two unbearable months of confusion and insult and losing respect for self, tears and loneliness, I took refuge in just letting my emotions flow on a blank white screen. 

Finally today, I have added those 3 months of my life as a page in this blog call The Pain. It is nothing but emotions that I could not control or comprehend in those couple pf months. The ones that probably might have been shared with a sister or a close friend. But, A. I don't have either. And B. I have not been very comfortable letting my emotions show to this raw an extent to another individual. Finally however, I decided this should be out here so that people who read this know me, know my life. I also felt that this should be out here so that if any guy who is planning to cheat or simply be insensitive and inattentive, reads this, he learns to do the right thing because now he knows the emotions the girl goes through before recovering and firmly locking him and these emotions out of her life forever. But mostly, I decided to put it here because this phase is over. Decisions are still to be taken, things are yet to be put in action, but I'm not in pain, self doubt or trauma and I have more or less put the emotions and unfortunately, the person firmly out of my heart and mind (so to speak. Cannot be completely done due some practical considerations). Right now I love that I went through this also cos this has also made me what I am today. More important than making me, this has shown me, me. Made me fall in love with me. Made me respect me and believe (no matter how conceited it sounds) that I am a much much better, warmer, stronger and truer person that I knew I ever was and than most I have ever met.

By publishing this, I am basically releasing the last remaining bit of that pain and that (shame?) that I had kept hidden from the world. This is also me, dear world. This is also what i have felt and gone through. And I am proud of being this, and coming out of this and now being the me I am. So there!. :D

When Do I Draw the Line, Then?

Where do I draw a line? Seems like I don't have the liberty to draw a line. I don't have the liberty to ever say that enough is enough, you put me through enough pains already and now I don't think you deserve me, because if the Dad wants the kid then nothing is ever enough.

Anyone can treat me badly, can neglect me as much as they please, can quietly sit back acting ignorance when I struggled to juggle raising an infant, having a career, running a home, being emotionally neglected and going through major relationship mess all at the same time and yet, when they saunter back into my life, say they want me and the kid, cry and beg in front of everyone and finally play the last card that says "don't you think we must do whatever it takes to give the kid all the chances he deserve?", then what else can I do but to give them that "one more chance" all over again. 

After everything someone has put you through, after taking an year to make up their mind, after having all the fun they wanted and then after thinking that now is a good time for them to settle and have a family around to show off and live that "dream life", they come back and beg and plead in front of all the people in the equation then they become good. And if I say "Too late, I hate what you have put me through and no matter what you do, I wouldn't be able to change my mind and start loving being around you", I become the selfish bad person, cos after all, everyone had the final card that says "How can you decide how late is too late for a 2 year old kid". True. Very true. one can't, least of all his mother. And, i don't want to so I wont. 

This person, who could have put an end to my suffering at any moment, who should have been the one to support and comfort me instead of giving me all the pain he did during my already difficult years, chose not to do it till he felt that now the time is just right for him to have a family. And even then, people finally only remember his crying and pleading and conveniently forget everything I have gone through in the last 5, what should have been the most beautiful, years, cos all everyone has ever wanted in this lifetime is the comfort of the "farce dream life" where everything "looks normal' and the "safety" and the "security" that this so called institution provides. 

Do I have the right to want 'happiness"? Oh, but of course. But, my happiness is derived from the happiness of my son only, isn't it. And that I brought him up alone for the first two years and completely know that I will continue to do it, despite a little trouble and a few difficult questions in between, is of little consequence. And, if I do pursue my personal happiness in the form of not living with a man I hate, and disrespect, who has neglected me during my most difficult times, who repeatedly insulted me and treated me badly, then I become selfish. I am this person who chose to put my own happiness in the forefront as against the possibility of giving my son a happy, "normal" life. . Why? All because he cried and pleaded and wanted us back when the time was right for him, and I didn't give my kid the "one more chance" at a normal life. And because, whether I bring up a happy, normal baby or not, it is more important that he have this "father figure" living in the same house.

What is this world where there is guilt in being happy; 

• Where the statistics that "80% of the families function together for the sake of the children and love and all is just in the movies" is accepted and actually touted as the reason why you should say yes and go with a man who did all this to you
• Where, you know no matter how much he tries now, even genuinely tries, he can never ever make you fall in love with him again after all that you have been through.
• Where this man taught you the very very hard way, that you don't need him, you can do things well by yourself and be happy, and still you are made to feel that you are obliged to go back, cos now he has come calling at his own time. 
• Where, knowing that you don't need him, that he doesn't deserve you, that he constantly hurt and neglected you is nothing in front of "he wants to live with his son and hence shall try to keep you happy", cos that is all that matters. He said he will try, didn't he? what more can he do now? True. very true.
• Where it is understood that I will bring my son up amazingly cos I AM, and no one can deny this bit, a very very wonderful mother, whether I live alone and happy, or with a man who hurt me and hence unhappily; but all that matters is I do the latter so he can have this father figure in his life, cos that is more important.
• Where, I live with a man because 'Did he hit me?' No, 'Did he drink and abuse me?' NO, He did say he doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage, but after one year, didn't he change his mind? Yes. Then, that is all that matters. Cos it is all so that the child has his parents in the same house.

What is this, dear world? What a mess you have made of yourself.

Of Egos, Complexes and Complications

Ego is such a messy thing. How difficult a colleague, a partner, a friend, family, even, just a person, you tend to become when you are carrying around this terrible weight of 'self'. How difficult and hated. How inconvenient to be around.

We have a colleague around here. Every time he asks for money for various site expenses, the accounts guys have no options but to ask for bills, clarifications, explanations etc. because that is the procedure. That is their job. However, every time he IS asked, a fight ensues - they are "doubting" him, are "implying that he is cheating and lying", they looked at him a particular way, smiled a particular way, they verified things with each other regarding the process while he was sitting there, he didn't like the "words" that were used or even the "tone". In short, he believes the world doesn't 'respect him enough'. One day he came for getting signatures on some papers and the concerned person was out. He asked the account guy for money without the signatures, which was naturally refused. He started screaming and shouting and saying he wasn't being respected enough and made to run around and what not. And all this is very justified inside his head. he is still right and the world is unjust and out to get him.

It's sad really. He walks into the room and people cringe and escape. During these fights he happens to say  things like "They respect me, but you guys treat me badly". And when he is gone, people here call and say to people there 'you guys respect him, eh?' and there are major guffaws all around. It is really sad. 

I don't understand how people live their whole lives in this self constructed mess of complexes and egos and self deceit. It must be such a heavy burden. Such listless sleep and so much worry thinking who hates him for whom. so much paranoia and so much self-pity. Its so complicated.

• First, YOU think (in some cases know) you are actually not good enough and some people are simply doing you a favor by being nice. 
• You grudge them their superior position and their "favors".
• You also envy everyone around you who is actually good, and who get accolades, and who seems comfortable in their own skins and have no complaints.
• You hate people who don't sit down and crib and cry and agree with you. 
• Then you work hard. But, the purpose of your hard work is not a good project or accolades in line of your efforts, but a self deceiving process to make yourself and others believe that you actually are good enough (even better) than those in power.
• Then, when your efforts get you recognition for your hard work from the very same people, you are still not satisfied and grudge them the position where they can actually applaud your work from their superior positions.
• You are constantly unsatisfied, feel like the world is not just, scream about your efforts wherever you can and "demand" respect and attention and crib and shout to whoever is around.
• In the process, people actually take notice of you, start disrespecting you and look down upon you and some even start treating you in the exact same way that you had imagined you were being treated in the first place.

Ugh! What a shit load of useless thinking and efforts. And why?!

I have only one thing to say about this. If you really want people to love and respect you, to want to talk to you and enjoy the conversation, for friends and family to visit your house and make you feel included, it all starts with you accepting yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, good and bad, loving yourself and most importantly, being comfortable in your own skin. Know yourself and love yourself. If you are confused about who you are, how will others ever know you. If you are uncomfortable being you, that shows. And then everyone else is uncomfortable being with you. 

My Latest Earworm

My latest ear-worm. Oh yes a Malayalam song, who would have thought?! :D

No, seriously. Lately I am discovering and seriously falling in love with a lot of Malayalam movie songs all thanks to this new genre in Malayalam. What new genre, you say. It is the never before heard happy, peppy, fun and yet melodious numbers. Many recent movies I managed to catch these days have really really enjoyable music. 

I have had very limited exposure to Malayalam songs. But among whatever I had heard from the the few cassettes my parents kept, gave me this impression that all the well loved, popular Malayalam numbers are all ...well...sad. It was like people believed that good songs should either be classical or sad. By sad I don't mean every single one was based on tragedy or heartbreak or any bad incident. It's just that even the songs sung on happy occasions, or melodious romantic numbers seemed to not be peppy and fun. I agree, this is very taste specific.And once again, I repeat, there definitely are very many beautiful exceptions and not just that, I admit that all these songs also have many, many takers. However, that was and to quite some extent continues to be my overall impression about all Malayalam music. That it is slow and sad a little depressing and haunting at times. And the ones that were made for real fun loud occasions were just that, loud and noisy. so it was like:

Melodious song for even happy occasions = slow and sad sounding though with beautiful (though sad) music and happy lyrics.

Fast numbers for fun occasions = loud and brash. Absent of any kind of aesthetic quality.

What seemed to be missing was melodious, soothing and beautiful, aesthetically done songs that were also fun, fast and peppy.

Throughout this article I'm not trying to say that one kind of music is bad and the other is good. I'm just saying that I didn't enjoy Malayalam music till now cos:

1. I had no access to new Malayalam music and all my impressions are based on cassettes and compilations (Best of 1991, Best of Yesudas etc.). So, the chances are that I might have missed out on a lot many many songs.

2. Well, basically, my personal choice. i like happy peppy numbers. Even the romantic, melodious ones should sound HAPPY.

And then suddenly, over the last few years I have finally started listening to these really beautiful, melodious happy numbers (Most of the credit goes to FM) and have started loving them. Especially because of the combination of the very natural Malayali sense of music aesthetics and lyrical profoundness and beauty, even a little folk/traditional feel WITH peppiness, beats, foot tappability and just Fun.

I can think of a list of songs that combine all these properties, but right now I am not posting one of those. What I would like to post here is my latest earworm, which in all sense of the world is FUN.