There is interference. And then there is a height of interference.
In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.
Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.
What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.
Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?!
My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!
To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind.
Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?! She might as well be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life!
Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you?
Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life?
Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.
As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic.
People often forget that one persons rights end at the start of the other person's nose.
ReplyDeleteIf someone has a notion of right or wrong, abide by it. But no, they have to shove it down everyone else's throats.
Ours is a society that cannot think beyond a limit, because it is the easier way out. Here, the pursuit of happiness is labelled a crime.
We can only hope the situation changes for the better.
I do believe it is much more than shoving their rights/wrongs onto someone else. I believe it is more about happiness. It's more in lines of "We are unhappy and we didn't have the guts to make it right. Hence we create a moral code that makes it wrong for anyone else to have that kind of guts either. That sense of right or wrong is the only way for us to justify our lack of guts. To say "we did the right thing".
DeletePeople in India, especially in places like in Kerala or rural areas are still behind the rest of the developing world. And guess who has to suffer? Yes those who want to lead their own life and do what is right for their family, not society's duty. So until you go according to their expectation, the interference will never stop.
ReplyDeleteI'm a 27 year old female and am pressured to marry to satisfy "society". I have gotten so much hell from my parents and even extended family because I'm overage to marry. I think in some parts of Kerala, there are "rules" you have to follow. For girls, you cannot marry over 25 and have children soon thereafter, and if you don't fit into the mold, you shunned out of society of good. Pertaining to malayalee society as I am a keralite, I'm considered a "fraud" even though I lived in Kerala for the first half of my life, but don't agree with their mentality or beliefs so therefore I'm not a true malayalee. I don't believe that you should stick to your own caste/community..etc which is still sad to see today. And I don't believe in "living" for my husband and in laws and never for me. There should be a balance where you care for family but still be able to live and enjoy for yourself.
It's not that I am trying to fit into the true malayalee clique either. I would rather remain "fraud" and lead my own life that would make me very happy rather than rush myself to be a true malayalee woman and be depressed when my life is taken away from me. I have seen PLENTY of that among many young Keralite girls - forced to marry b/c of society and it's so called "rules" and they are very unhappy with the way things turn out. In fact this younger generation of keralites is in the process of changing it. And funnily enough, just read a blog about how many of them are VERY UNHAPPY being in Kerala. They are not allowed to be like normal kids and enjoy all the things all kids all over the world enjoy. Pity and shame. Thank god I left Kerala once I went to college, and I have no plans to return there permanently, unless it dramatically changes. I can still get my favorite kerala cuisine and mallu movies that I love outside Kerala and not worry about people nosing in too much, especially about MARRIAGE.
I enjoy being single for now and maybe later in the future marriage will occur when I find the right person for me, and I'm not looking for only malayalee, but anyone. One thing for sure, never care what other people think. Do what you think is right for YOU. The interference will always there Ms. Blogger. If you can't stand it, just leave Kerala or where ever this is common for good.
And here's the blog talking about Kerala youth..you'd be surprised to know and I'm sure millions of youngsters, both in Kerala and abroad will 100% agree with all of us.
http://www.youngkerala.org/why-youth/
:) Firstly thanks for reading the post so patiently and especially for leaving a comment. Thank You. My first response is to the word "fraud mallu". I actually look at it very fondly cos I have fallen into that category all my life and so have most of my close friends. I am an army kid and so have hardly lived here much in the earlier part of my lives. I have grown up in various parts of this country, then came to live here for a little while and then eventually moved out with higher studies and work on my own. For this reason I take that term fraud mallu rather fondly and a little bit if pride. Cos for me that stands for a Malayali that has all the good traits of being a Malayali combined with the good of all other exposure as well. :)
DeleteWith the same background of having lived in so many parts of the country, I would like to point out to you that this is not a phenomenon that is limited to Kerala. With the exception of the metros, where also it is only the really hip new crowd, the phenomenon of forcing youngsters to abide by nonsensical "societal norms" are extremely prevalent. Be it caste, religion,age, finances, when to have kids, how many, what gender, everyone has a say on everything. Honor killings are not a Keralite phenomena Soniya. Even Mumbai has the"Shiv Sena" fear regarding "culture")oops I hope I don't get arrested for this)
In fact the sad part about having this new trend of moral policing in Kerala is just that, it is new. From a very matriarchal society where women had so much power to unnecessarily stooping so low as this instead of moving forward, that is what is really frustrating.
:)Once again, thank you for your comments that enables this discussion.
I have to agree with both of you, ladies.
DeleteI'm a malayalee who lived all his life in Kerala. Only instances I have, on exposure to the outside. But I was logical enough to realize how immature the Kerala society has become.
Your statements on this happening to other parts of India stands, but none of them boast of a developing status with such high literacy rate. And I thought education was supposed to help us think on ourselves. But that's not the case.
I'm honestly disappointed by the people of Kerala, because I know they could do so much more.
I can always move outside and away from this nonsense. It's sad to know that soon this state will lack in free thinking.
I have to agree with both of you, ladies.
DeleteI'm a malayalee who lived all his life in Kerala. Only instances I have, on exposure to the outside. But I was logical enough to realize how immature the Kerala society has become.
Your statements on this happening to other parts of India stands, but none of them boast of a developing status with such high literacy rate. And I thought education was supposed to help us think on ourselves. But that's not the case.
I'm honestly disappointed by the people of Kerala, because I know they could do so much more.
I can always move outside and away from this nonsense. It's sad to know that soon this state will lack in free thinking.
Well I am certainly aware it's not only in Kerala but in other parts of India as well. The first paragraph I written does reveal that :). Just taking Kerala as an example as I am one and can relate to it the most, since that's where my experiences all lay in. I already know it's prevalent in other places as well.
ReplyDeleteYes I do agree that there no such extremities such as "honor killings" and baby girl abortions in Kerala and we are very fortunate to not have that. Those are the few good things about Kerala with the fact that they are very literate compared to the rest of India, but as hollowmaniac, though they all are literate and can get good education, they still sadly do not have a brain. Though they are smart schoolwise, they are dumb lifewise. I've reading blogs about these issues where commentators are saying they still are living in the 16th century with little moderation with cars and better education system, but still it's 16th century! And I agree with it.
I also feel many of them do not tolerate outsiders (not all though). Malayalees do not seem to welcome foreigners and downgrade and abuse NRK's abroad because they live a bit differently than Keralites in Kerala. In parties where there are non-malayalees mixed with a majority of malayalees, the non-malayalees are often ignored, and later the rude comments about them set in which are not at all true. Not sure how it is in other similar places but doesn't seem like it as I went to friend's few parties that was full of Tamilians where there many non-tamilians, but it was never the case and everyone was felt welcomed. Never seen this happen in malayalee parties. I could understand if they are not used to foreigners, but I really don't think that's the case since superiority complex in Kerala still exists.
I do notice too that a lot of them are "cutting down the roots" when they realize that the way they were taught to live life is not the proper way and some do shun out their heritage. Seen it and may be sad, but I honestly don't blame them. To embrace a culture, there needs to be positive and understanding people from that culture, not cricizing, degrading and misery loving people.
These are my observations. I may be wrong on some of this, but these are what I have seen personally. I do know it does not apply to all Keralites because some of them do have a brai actually, but to a majority of them yes. I don't know, can we change it for the better? And if we do change everything, how will those who stick and believe with societal norms react to it? Surely it'll be hell before it gets better, I think.
I do hope many more contribute to this discussion and it will go on. It's time to be open about it instead of hiding it.