Money Money Money

Okay,this is sort of gone way crazy. No I am not talking entirely about the money problem. That of course has. What I am talking about is blind faith and fanaticism.

It is all good to have political affiliations or religious beliefs. It is all good to take sides and stick by them. But why have we stopped being sensible about anything? The people who rule this country are NOT GODS. They are not some supreme beings. They are people like us, among us, chosen by us. And one of the first rules of a democracy is just that. The people. The whole concept of democracy is lost if these "leaders" cannot be questioned and are not expected to serve the people. How are we any different from a dictatorship then?

Then of course, who is a fanatic, you ask. For me anyone who has stopped questioning actions and decisions, based on their own blind belief is a fanatic. If your style of argument is to analyse a situation, debate the positives and negatives in a healthy way and prove your point, then all good. But if it is to simply make up arguments and try to prove your own point knowing full well that it agrees to no logic, just because you think it is somehow your "duty" to "serve and defend" your master's wishes, then you are a fanatic. And, you do not deserve a democratic government.

I'll go with an example. I prefer the policies of one party over the other. I wish that party won. But I have no qualms in admitting that I don't like their set of leaders at the top. (Thankfully I like them here.) And I shall admit that as of current status, there is a leadership issue at the top which the other guys don't have.

So, unless you really believe that your chosen party or leaders are a bunch of Gods who do no wrong, there is no harm in cutting down that defensive "I shall justify all their acts" attitude and behave like reasonable human beings who have the power of being democratic and of questioning and selecting their leaders.

Now let's go with the current hot topic: Demonetization. Do I think it is a good and necessary step? Yes. I do. "For the benefit and betterment of the nation" I think it is a great move. No. Not because I think it will have a very considerable dent on the actual amounts of black money (that I am sure are not hidden in India), but because I think it is great at curbing counterfeit, as of now.

So yes, I accept and have no qualms in saying so. Cos no matter political affiliations, I, as a reasonable human being can acknowledge as much.

Now regarding the execution and implementation of this action. Like REALLY??? Are you seriously going to deny that there was any better way to implementing this than this crazy mess we are in. Okay. Pull back all old money from tomorrow. But hey! we do not have any new money to replace them with.
There is no new Rs 500 notes.
Rs 100 notes are soooooper limited and most banks are keeping them for their ATMs.
50s??? what 50s?
And then all we get are 20s and 10s.
Like basic question - would it have been such a huge difficulty to first get the replacement currency ready and available before pulling back the old ones? 
No, just a common sense question.
How difficult would that implementation be?
So you announce that all old 500s and 1000s are to be returned and instead the new ones are available from your banks and ATMs.
There would still be queues as there is a time limit to exchange, but THEN, India would definitely "take a little bit of queue inconvenience for the benefit of the country". Not because there was a limitation of money. Because at least at the end of it, they would get their money.

Like, can you at least have the decency to acknowledge that this implementation, not the entire policy, was messed up and stupid.
That not everyone has the benefit of electronic transactions or card transactions and they need money in hand to buy FOOD. You can't turn their money in hand to raddi paper and not have anything to give them instead.
That they would be ready to stand in a queue alright, but that their money should be there at the end of the queue for sure?
That it was common sense to have new notes first before the announcement?
That if someone wants to buy something worth 600, they don't have 500s to pay it with and since all other notes are limited, would pay with  2000? And that then, the shopkeeper wouldn't have 500s to pay back balances with and have to try and arrange for 1500 notes of Rs 100 denominations? (That, only if they are lucky to get 100s and not 20s!!!)

I am not asking you too much. I am not saying go change your political affiliation. I am not trying to prove anyone wrong.
All I am saying is, for once, as one nation and one people with one government sitting at the head, can we please acknowledge that that one government screwed up in implementation of an otherwise good initiative.

And if you can't acknowledge or agree because ego >>> sensible, at least can you have the sense to NOT justify major livelihood issues with this shit:

Because believe me, there are demonetization stories and suffering we may have not even started imagining and the least we can do is to not preach about standing in queues. 

 Thank you my sensible friends.

Earning a Life while Earning a Living

So in the last few weeks, I have been repeatedly told that I was being very "brave".
Brave for not continuing to be in my chosen field.
Brave for pausing a career after being in it for ten years to start a venture based on my passion - an attempt to see how one can have even a small impact on the society by doing something good and meaningful.
Someone even said "brave" for leaving behind printouts (as a sign of progressive office) to choosing carbon paper(from billing).

"Brave" is their chosen adjective, maybe because, unfortunately, brave has come to be a synonym for foolish. Or, maybe because "brave" to them doesn't mean "Wow! How?!", but means "Why would you?" instead.

Not wanting to be completely cynical, I do take it as a compliment. I DO. Because, when the society thinks like this, it is indeed brave to choose a different path than the beaten, old, dreary, "safe" one. But one can't help thinking.

Because then, isn't it disappointing how skewed our vision has become? That instead of it being the most natural thing in the world for people being people, following their hearts, doing something that means something to their souls, that makes them happy and helps them leave a mark in this one chance at life we have, this is the "braver" choice.

Whereas, just doing our "duty" to this life as defined by others is normal, accepted and way more respectable even.

The by staying on that logic of "brave", how is it not way more "brave" to give up on your dreams or even worse, to not even stop to think about your dreams or passions and instead just walk through life in a hazy coma on a path you have been always "taught" to be normal and right for you?

By that same logic, how is it not way more "brave" to live your whole life doing what is said to be "safe" and "secure" and "shall provide"; to go to a workplace day after day doing something for 8 hours a day for 6 days a week for maybe 30 years of your life, especially when that particular task gives you no happiness or a sense of fulfillment?

How is it that waking up every day wanting to face the day, wanting to lose yourself in the task at hand, doing something where each moment makes you happy and is not just good for your wallet but amazing for your soul, coming back home tired to the bones but feeling like you made a difference to someone's life, as small as it might be, has become the "braver" option in our heads??? Isn't that really the happier and hence easier option actually?

So in today's date, it is bravery to choose to do something that you love over doing something that makes no difference to your soul other than to earn you a salary or climb an invisible ladder?

I am not saying that money or security isn't important. It would be very foolish to say that. And hypocritical. Because I have done it too.
I mean I have earned a degree, a PG, followed my career for ten solid years, proven to others and more importantly to myself how good I am at that job, I have gone places with it, and had a good idea what I could achieve when I kept at it.

In fact, I know I have created a very strong foundation where I can pick up that career and continue where I left off. So yes, an education, a career and some achievements under your belt are all very important to have.

But the point here is, who decided that this is the end? I always thought those were the means to an end; That that education and those achievements and that experience were meant to finally help us onto a path where we could start thinking of how much more meaningful we can make our lives and how many other lives we could touch and enrich.
I thought that was the next natural progression in our lives and not the final destination! Wow! that is such a dreary final destination if all we were meant to do in this life was follow set paths, fill papers, push files and finally earn a "living". And to choose to do just that is the less "brave" choice?

When do you actually earn this "LIFE"?

This is not generalizing. I perfectly understand that not everyone is in a position to make those choices because of their circumstances.
This post is mainly applicable to those, and there are plenty of "those" out there, whose financial situation is very stable, whose family is secure and cared for,who have all the support of family AND have the education and the experience, ie., all the means to progress from earning a living to earning a life, if they so choose. And still decide not to make that progression because they judge our natural next step as the "brave" choice.

All the "brave" in quotes has the meaning assigned when attributed to the 'next step' people. By which I refer to the meaning in para 1.

BUT, I am not judging those who choose to only continue earning a living as "brave".

Because I am not judgemental like that. 

I am just asking these questions. And wishing that you would really actually mean brave, with all the admiration that word deserves, the next time you attribute it to someone struggling to start-up something that means something to them, instead of wondering why they would do something so stupid.

And oh! P.S

Isn't judging people who do not want the same things in life as you, or chose to not follow the same path as you, a little self-indulgent, egocentric even?
To each his own. Everyone chooses to follow their heart or their pockets, or hopefully, both. How is one choice braver than others?
In my book, everyone is brave in making a choice and sticking to it, whatever that choice is.
Or, everyone is just normal and brave and strong and weak in equal measures.


Unless you are a soldier. Then you are the bravest. Salute.

Fight Clean. Respect Self.

The last day in the month of March. The month of International Women's day. The month of "India's Daughter". The month that ended with Deepika’s Video by Vogue; and I have a small story to share about why I am still skeptical about the future of mentality against women in this country. (Considering it was also the month when Anushka Sharma was blamed for India's performance in the World Cup Semis.) 

So, circumstances were such in the last few months that I found myself heading a committee of around 20 young (mostly freshers) Engineering Graduates, mostly male. The interactions started of well, thankfully. For more than two months, from their joining to the end of our project, the general rapport of the committee was lots of fun and friendship. I mostly felt like the lucky, very loved and respected big sister to them. With some, they'd constantly come to me for advice regarding girlfriend problems, to discuss personal matters, to discuss options about their future like next jobs or further studies, to borrow money and so on.

Considering they were freshers and had never worked anywhere before and were suddenly put in extremely difficult circumstances at sites, most of them went out of their way to complete the tasks assigned to them and I considered myself very fortunate to have been able to command that kind of respect, regard and support from the boys. (I sounded a little like Azharudin in my head with that). And I can seriously vouch for the fact that the support shown to me (or at least perceived by me) was definitely reciprocated manifolds, since my concern for their betterment, their hardships and challenges during the projects, their well-being and safety, their relationship problems and their future was truly extremely genuine.

Then something rather funny happened. These boys came back from their assignments and the general level of fun and camaraderie continued for another week. Everyone had stories of hardships to share tinged with lots of fun and laughter. But every basket has to have their share of rotten apples and the ones from this basket also returned one day. The good thing about these rotten apples from my basket were that before they all left for their assignments, these two never really were interested in this basket and hence never really spoilt anyone in here. This ensured that the basket remained fresh and un-spoilt at least till the end of the assignments and so that went well. Then the rotten apples came back and this time mingled with all the other apples in the basket.

Here is where the story turns.

The rot started spreading in the form of an idea regarding money. And where money is involved the "boss" gets blamed because, hey, the boss has money and it is his/her duty to share it! Who stops to think that he/she is as much part of the system as they are and has no say in the distribution of money; at least I had none. Well, without getting into more details, the rot spread to a point where they all stopped talking to me. Just like that. I walked into the office one morning and found them all huddled together away from me and the hostility was palpable. Not one word. Not one question even from the ones closest to me. Nothing. Just silence and cold war. 

Okay. Misunderstandings happen. Stupid ideas spread. I was hurt because there were at least 3 or 4 among the 20 who could have asked me anything or clarified this before launching the war, but I still took it in my stride. Fights are normal in any relationships. We get angry at parents, at siblings, at the closest of friends. That was okay. They would get over it, I figured.

What I hadn't vouched for was the realization that I wasn't their family or sibling or even friend (No matter how close a few of them were to me). No. I was a "woman" who hadn't helped them in some manner they thought I should have. And they were angry. So what is the easiest, most cowardly thing to do when a bunch of 15-16 boys gang up and get angry at a woman? Disrespect her as a "woman", of course. Talk about her cheaply. Talk about her morality and character. Call her a whore. Call her a slut. Every time you get together and get drunk, make sure all dirty jokes turn to her. Even involve people who have nothing to do with her or this committee into the joke, because hey, when you are insulting a woman, the more the merrier. New heads, new insults, new jokes, more laughs. 

Of course, the mistake was mine. It had to be. I am the woman here, after all. I was even told by certain superiors that the problem was that I was always "friendly" with the boys. (you can imagine the connotations behind that). It was my ‘not being "boss" enough’ and being more like a mentor and friend that caused them to turn. Aaha! Why hadn't I thought of that. Because if I had always treated them as a "boss" should (I think their definition is more "Hari Sadu" when they think ‘boss’), the boys would never ever say anything bad about me. Hmmm. How stupid of me to not think of that.

Anyhow, the point here is “Respect” and "Decency". Would they have done this if the person they got upset at was indeed their mother or their sister? They could get angry, not talk, show their temper in whatever manner, but would they disrespect and insult and make dirty stories and basically brand her a whore? The point is simple. We teach our boys early that if they are angry at their friend who is a boy, no matter how angry, they must try not to get into a fist fight. Try (even though that is just impossible to expect, but hey as a parent we will always try and hope) not to use abusive language, try not to lose their temper but to talk it out, solve, walk away or whatever else non-violent. But do we, consciously, teach our boys that if they are angry at a woman, no matter how angry, they simply shouldn't brand her a whore, shouldn't immediately think the best revenge is to sully her “character”? (That word is in quotes because Hey! I don’t even want to get into the whole ‘“moral character” of a woman’ thing right now) No, we don’t. 

Yes, we probably teach our sons early on that women are weaker so "You shouldn't hit a girl" (I am not so sure that when put like that, does that teaching do more harm or good). But do we simply teach our kids that the reason why you shouldn't hit or abuse or call someone a slut is not so much about Should" and "Shouldn't" as much as it is about Respect for another being and just decency? That anger, no matter how righteous, doesn't give you the right to be indecent and disrespectful and potty mouthed and abusive?

Yes, we need to teach our boys that it is just NOT OKAY to rape. Yes we need to teach our boys that it is just not okay to force or abuse. Yes, we need t teach our boys that it is not okay to eve-tease. Yes, we need to teach our boys that it is just not okay to get back at a girl by being cheap about her. That is as below the belt and as easy and cowardly a revenge as it gets anyway.

In one word, in order to get to all of the above, we simply need to teach our boys the concept of respect and being decent about their anger as well.

You may get angry, upset, you may disagree and argue; you may start a cold war or an open fight, but, no matter what you do, you cannot get cheap and disrespect another human being. Keep your anger clean. If we can only teach our boys this simple thing. To fight fair. That's it! Give another person enough consideration and yourself enough respect to learn to keep your fights fair, isn't that easy?

And till we don’t, and till we have educated, young, smart engineering graduates who actually justify this action as “Hey, when guys get together and get drunk they talk shit about girls. So what?” (Yes one of them actually used these exact same words to one fellow who actually stood up against what was happening), I remain very skeptical about the quality of “empowerment” women are going to get in this country.

P.S Incidentally yesterday was the last day for these guys at work, last day to work under me. Leaving behind a skeleton staff of 2 guys, the rest left yesterday. They say well begun is half done. Thank God for that. For the fact that the beginning was nothing like the end. At least things got done well owing to that. But it wasn’t a happy sight. It wasn’t a happy feeling that things ended in this sour note after the way they had begun.

Criticizing Criticism

Straight off this is about the women's empowerment video by Vogue starring Deepika Padukone etc.

Straight off, I liked it. I liked the camera work and aesthetics of it. I liked the attempted intent/message in it. And of course, I liked Deepika Padukone in it also. Because I like her way too much and I am hugely biased.

Yeah so that's out of the way.

This is actually not so much about the video as much as it is about the criticism against it. Of course, in today's day and age of when outrage on anything and everything in social media is the new fad, the criticism had to be expected. But some were so freaking ridiculous, it actually got me off my laziness of typing and brought me back to this long forgotten blog simply because I had to express my opinion somewhere. 

So let's get to the more ridiculous "offences" of this video straight away.

One of the first points raised was "Hey, because this message was by Vogue and it is their marketing strategy, they only want you to buy their stuff and you shouldn't fall for it." Yeah, because, hey, a marketing strategy by Vogue or Elle or even Victoria's Secret for that matter, using words like "empowerment" and "choice" should not be believed and even if they say good things you have to keep in mind that it is to sell their products. Oh! the evil plan behind it! Marketing their products by talking about empowerment! And have you thought about the fact that whether or not you like the video, you still have the "choice" to buy these products? They are not "cheating" you, you know.

Of course, the whole question of morality! How can we ever let that one go. "To have sex out of marriage" oh Whoa! really?! Because in India everyone is so moral and right that how dare Vogue even mention this?! Well, here's how. She said "choice". Maybe, you are not okay with it and I am not okay with it. But maybe the point is someone out there is okay with themselves and their partners doing what they want. We can't accept it and we can choose to hate it but it IS after all their choice. Why are we assuming that they are talking about adultery or cheating at all? Maybe they have a sexless marriage and who are YOU or I to judge the right or wrong of someone in that situation? Or  maybe they are unhappy but decide not to be separated for a zillion "moral" and "societal" reasons (read that as fearing the judgement of the likes of you) and so find whatever solution suits them. Or she knows her partner loves someone else and she deserves some love too or whatever other many hypothetical situations. Why assume that they are okaying cheating at all? Cheating is the highest form of disrespect one can feel. Ask me about it and I can tell you tales about why I am a single mother for the last 5 years. But what if there are a hundred ways either one of the two partners are being disrespected or hurt or abused or not even being acknowledged or if it is some kind of agreement between the two. I don't know what is right and wrong. But. I know enough to not judge that choice because I don't know that story. (Shit! Now I am branded immoral for life! :D)

Another problem of course was with the "size zero or 15 bit" and you know why the criticism was especially ridiculous? Because this was the logic of it. Deepika shouldn't have done this ad. Because, Deepika acts in the Kellogs ad that talks about losing weight and regaining shape in two weeks?! Or in the garnier ad? Or that, and this is the BEST bit, she dates only "good looking" (very very subjective because I don't think that way about Sid Malya or Yuvraj or Ranbir Kapoor, for that matter) men.

Oh! the irony! you say? Hey! it's her "choice" I say. "She" (read that as any woman who) wants to lose weight for her friend's wedding? Her choice. She wants to look fairer (And I am so against the whole fairness thing, my complexion is evidence to that), but it's still, her choice. She likes her men to look "good", her choice. The point here isn't to be one way or the other. The point was simple - the girl has a choice to what she wants to be and an outsider doesn't get to criticize her personal choice like YOU seem to be doing in that response. Have you considered that we live in a day and age where parents constantly criticize daughters to eat less, to get thin, to look pretty and so forth? Yeah, there is a thought behind that. HER choice. Simply, if a woman does want to look thinner or fitter, that's also her choice. Why assume that that is a message to get anorexic, woman?!

Another one was that she said "You are my choice. I am not your privilege." and the criticism? That that one should go two way. Of course, I agree that that should go two way. But why was the message necessary and more woman oriented? Because, guess who is treated like a privilege in this country more? Like a property, to be exact. Even today, I personally know very well educated guys from decent background who don't flinch while saying "I want my wife to be a virgin when I marry her because no one should have "owned" her before". Yeah. She is not a person. Just a package for that thing he alone is born to "own". 

Guess who is still given a choice about their own life decisions and who is not? Guess who is forced more for a hundred zillion things to do and not to do? Oh for Heaven;s sake, guess whose "right" (not even choice) to be even born is taken away in unimaginable numbers. Of course it should be everyone's choice. But this just happened to be a more "Give the woman also a choice" message. That is like saying why are all the "prevent rape" ads more women-centric. Indeed, they shouldn't be. Boys get raped too. Don't you think they deserve protection?  It is all okay to create Hoo-Haa and find things to criticize every word that is said out there. There is no justification for why the talk s always about protecting or giving right for "only women".  Just that women do get raped a lot more and women do get subjugated and their rights taken away a lot more. But, under all regular "I am not here to criticize everything" thought, it would be fair to have a message out to save everyone and make everyone a choice for everyone. This one just happened to be about women, like most of the "equality" and "gender rights" messages usually are.

And oh! again. To have your baby or not. Okay. Have you ever stopped to consider that most of the (no matter how lame) "women empowerment" messages are not for people like you or me who, thank heavens for that, are from way more protected and empowered background than a vast majority? That women are still married off as little girls an forget given a choice, but FORCED to bear multiple children? Or that a woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock decides to keep the baby when the guy doesn't want her and should be given a choice to do that. Or simply that she is addressing the society against the stupid prejudice that every woman who does not become a mother is "incomplete" in some way and/or something is wrong with her? Maybe she AND her partner have decided to not have a baby and she is addressing her in-laws and parents who only and always criticize her (never the "beta").  Once again, the point is not that a woman should always refuse her husband. No. The point is simply that the woman should "ALSO" be given a choice. After all it is HER body. She shouldn't be forced or criticized for what she wants with that body.

Another one of the most ridiculous flaws about the video was that it was made by almost all men, that is written, directed and produced by men. Yeah because when men make a video on giving women choices we are taking away the choice from women to make similar videos. And instead of being happy that we have men who do stuff like attempting women-"centric" videos, we somehow see it as anti-empowerment. Yeah well, that one is so stupid it doesn't even warranty a response.

Of course, there were more. There were so many about the things that were "Not" said in the video. How the video was lame in not mentioning the more important things like career and work and medical problems and discrimination but instead only mentioned things like choices about sexual orientation and stuff. Erm, yeah that's the point about choice. People can make videos about whatever aspect of a topic (in this case the aspect of "choice" among various topics related to empowerment). People make videos about preventing rape, about what to wear being a woman's choice and not a license to be raped, about career choices or the choice to be a stay at home person (not using wife or mother. Just a person), about equal pay among genders, about medical problems and what not. This one was someone's choice to be about "Choices" like body image issues and sexual orientation and whether to have a baby or not and about feeling like a queen in her life. So what? Why would you criticize their choice for a subject of their video? 

The whole point is to be given a choice. What people do with the choice they have, whether they take the "right" path or "wrong" is for them to decide.  Everyone  must have the right to do what they choose to do in life and then suffer the consequence of that  choice. The whole point is that no one should go around defining how people of a certain race, cast or gender should live. It's is person's perogative to choose.  Just as when we raise our children.  We can teach them about "right" and "wrong". And once they grow up, we can hope they make the right choices. But we still can't force them to do one thing or the other. But we have to five them the right to make that choice and hope for the best.  Well, enough said. 

And, if you haven't seen it yet, this is the Oh! So offending video by the Oh! so wrong people:

Courtesy

No no! This is definitely not a preachy post teaching moral values and spewing the advantages of being nice. Quite the opposite actually! Basically, a post asking people to stop living their lives out of a sense of obligation. I am rather tired of this phenomenon where we do everything out of "courtesy" ALL THE TIME.

Okay, let me try and begin at the beginning. I am someone who always believes that it is important to be nice, to be courteous, to put others first, to show compassion and consideration, these are after all the traits that make us human. However, things have taken a downturn in these last few years in a very weird way. I say weird because these days I see courtesy being used as an obligation or rather like being held at gunpoint. Courtesy has turned into nuclear power, a good thing used for very bad ends.

Once again, getting back to the beginning (Oh this is so tough!). The other day I heard a parent tell a child, "go meet your grandmother, it is not nice manners to refuse to meet aged relatives." Really? Nice manners? If I have grand children ever and if my son needs to tell them to come meet me because of manners and courtesy, I'd consider myself such a failure. No kid, don't meet your grandparents because it's a "nice thing to do", go meet your grandparents because you love them and you want to meet them. And if you don't, then there is something the matter with the relationship you shared with them and that's okay in one case. But, do not meet all your grandparents only because you are expected to!

And we start this ingratiation training so very young, don't we.We as Indians do everything for "courtesy", "because that's the right thing to do", "Social norm", "please your parents" and a billion other variations of these reasons. And basically when I say everything, I mean every damned thing regarding living our lives.

So, finding the right person to marry at the right age, having your first kid at a certain age, then your second, then the decision to stop having kids and so on and so forth, are predefined by social/familial expectations. And I would be labelled a rebel for thinking or trying to convince anyone that these are some of the most personal decisions of our lives. In fact, majority of the kids in India have been socially conditioned by their early teens to believe that prearranged everything is the normal way of life and thinking/acting otherwise causes major disappointments from family and friends, close ones to have-never-heard-of-before, no matter how happy or successful you are in your chosen way of life.

Basically, our life is hardly OUR life. It is just an opportunity to show how courteous and considerate we are of people's expectations of how we must live it. In ways and manners that really don't affect them at all but are purely only OUR life decisions, living up to their expectations still matter. 

Very selfless in a manner, this tradition of ours. So the parents' expectations aren't really for their own benefits and the kids' actions are not for their own benefit either. Very sacrificial, and yet, doing no one any good. Bravo!

This doing things as a courtesy for these mystic "others" has trickled down into our social structure and mental makeup so very much, we can even see this in how people treat their own professions. Yeah, personal decisions for other's sake wasn't good enough. 

To begin with, most career paths are chosen by parents even before the kids are born. But that's not where I am getting at. Look at our attitudes towards "work". The driving force behind work is "We need to have a job that pays and is good enough to be publicized and garner social approval". People who follow their passions are also rebels. I have heard the phrase "married to their jobs" thrown around in great aplomb. I ask you this, when you say married to your job, do you mean I am passionate about my job, I love it, I am dedicated and get great joy from it, it is very fulfilling; Or, do you mean, I am married cos this was what was charted for me, this earns money for me, I come here and do what needs to be done and it keeps bearing me fruits in terms of promotions and bonuses (first kid, second kid and so on). 

I mean are you in love in this marriage or is it another of your functional Indian marriages, this work of yours?

How many employees do we meet who are dedicated, excited and passionate about what they do? Who are pleased to see a client not because it means a better incentive but because it means they get another opportunity to present their skill set and enjoy doing it? No, they treat you with courtesy, they earn their salaries. Because that is what they have been expected and conditioned to do all their lives without a second's thought about what they are really getting out of this for themselves. Be passionate about your jobs, be a workaholic if you will, be married to your jobs and definitely earn great money, but all I ask is love what you are married to and whatever your reasons, do it for you, for your reasons.. Get something out of it by the end of it all which is not just "I am fulfilling the expectations of my family".

I wish we could teach our kids that it is not selfish to be passionate and to love who/what you have decided to be dedicated to. My biggest wish for my kid is he never do anything in life because he feels that he owes it to me or anyone else. Oh! hell, I'm an extremist when it comes to teaching him to be courteous and compassionate and nice. I will do that to the best of my abilities. But, my only wish in his personal or professional life is he be happy, truly, completely happy with whatever decision he makes. If being single is his things, so be it. If not, I hope and pray he finds a person who can love him, treasure him and make his world that much of a better place, and he theirs. And no matter what he chooses as a profession, that is one choice I want him to take only for himself and never feel obliged to please me or this damned "society". And I also truly hope he and all the kids of coming generations learn to chose a career based on passion and interest and whatever their priorities are, even if that is money, but not based on anyone else's expectations, as a courtesy to them.

Teach your kids the slightly more difficult things like love and respect. It is easier to teach courtesy, cos hey, who can't say " this is what is expected of you by the world". It is just a slightly more polite variation of "because I told you so". But we all know what good comes out of shortcuts and taking the easy way out, especially with child rearing.

So really, teach your kids to love. Love who they are, love what they do, love the people around them so that they want to do the right things by them out of this love, and not out of fulfilling expectations.

Teach your kids to be nice and polite and less rude, because it is so wonderful to be all those thing and it keeps everyone, including themselves happy. 

Teach your kids compassion towards animals and old people and little kids. True compassion, not just manners and courtesy. 

Teach your kids to definitely consider others in situations where their actions might directly impact/affect others, because that is how you care and help. 

I think all these go a long long way instead of teaching your kids to do things because of courtesy or because it is "the right thing to do", because they are obliged to meet expectations.

Meeting your aged grandparents, getting married to the right person, loving and caring for that person, being true to them because you love them, being nice to others because you love and care, getting a job you love and doing it happily because you enjoy it (and I include earning money and living a good life as part of it because where is any happiness if times are always tough), . Basically, living a life being true to themselves, not just out of a sense of obligation.

In short, teach your kids to be happy and from there, to make others happy. Not to make others happy out of courtesy and be miserable in the process. That simply sucks, this generation of make-believe "courteous", miserable youngsters.

Of Religion, Intolerance and Sensitization

I have not watched the movie. I do not know if it has enough material to cause any kind of communal problems. However, the movie has released everywhere else, is my understanding, and the country is yet to see anything communal because of it. More importantly, in my understanding, it is only by letting people watch movies or read books or any other form of exposure to intelligently and aesthetically made material, will we ever be able to sensitize people about the real issues and slowly try and reduce this deeply brewing intolerance against anything and everything "religious".

If politics and judiciary are going to take up the job of screening all kinds of matters that touch upon religion, isn't that extremely counterproductive, in the manner that people will be less and less exposed to things, and will hence get less and less tolerant, which will make them increasingly reactive and explosive towards ANY chance encounters to such material.

If religion and everything considered "sensitive" is actually discussed and debated openly (just like the necessity of sex education), if it is all around us, the sensitivity and hence the reactions these cause will only die down. But if the public is going to be screened and protected from the slightest of mentions, then we as a society are going to be so unused to hearing/seeing anything related, so sensitive and intolerant of any kind of the tiniest implications in the religious directions, that very soon there will begin random bursts of riots and fights and communal warfare in big and small scale all over the country because of totally innocent and no-harm-implied statements unnecessarily construed as "hurting religious sentiments". 

Sensitize the public. Increase the tolerance. Make religion a complete Non-issue. Simply a private, personal belief that it should be. THAT is the need of the hour. 

Not, protecting it (or us against it), making it some kind of a BIG, Sensational thing, a thing that is to be defended, dividing and ruling the country based on it, until finally the whole thing blows out of proportion and explodes into something totally uncontrollable and horrendous. 

As for Vishwaroopam, at least after seeing that the movie caused absolutely no issues in the rest of the (obviously more tolerant) world, isn't it about time, you know... But well, can't comment on it as the matter is  in court. :|

More importantly, next time on, unless things look really really ugly and communal, release the bloody book or movie, wait for the reactions and if you see trouble, then only ban, pull it back, if necessary make relevant people apologize and placate the public. But at least give the public the benefit of the doubt first. We may not all be as bad as you think. For all you know it is just one dirty, ugly, communal mind in that panel of decision  makers who felt this can cause issues, while the rest of the world may not sense any kind of intended insult. Give us that chance, man!

Nothing New to Add...

Enough has been said and written about the gruesome rape that took place in Delhi. Many opinions, many discussions, many demands and one of the biggest protests. And I have nothing new to add to all those emotions because I feel every bit of it as intensely as each person out there - as intensely as every girl who has traveled in a public transport in this country, who has walked along any street crowded or not (both have their advantages/disadvantages depending on whose aside you look from), who has been around strange (and also familiar) men.

I don't intend to discuss any of my own emotions or feelings about this. What I do intend to do is to try and make sense of the one thing that matters now. What can really be done. People talk about clothes, self defense,  not being out at certain times, maryada, bhaiyya and lakshman rekha, protests demanding hanging and castration that might act as deterrents. Enough has been debated about each of these items as well.

I just want to put my head around various scraps of sense I was trying to make in the last few weeks about what seems like the only practicality really keeping all hopes of ideal situations apart..

Crimes will happen. Rape, murder, even female foeticide, dowry killings, honor killings, fraud, and all the way up to terrorism. They will keep happening. Some of these we can try and fight with education, awareness and opportunities. But, to expect a situation of zero crime or to expect any government or political  party in any part of the world to provide a crime-free-state guarantee is stupidity. Protest and outrage all you want. We can only ask for two things, justice for the victim and most importantly deterrents. There really is NO 100% prevention. Let us all first accept that. What there is is deterrents.

So what can be the deterrent for these criminals? You say the fear of death or castration? Really?

I don't believe the extent of punishment is a deterrent to anyone. I don't think a would-be criminal actually says "oh! This is just 5 yr imprisonment, not life term/hanging. So let me commit this one instead". No. Every crime is committed because the criminal is stupidly confident that he will get away. Less "stupidly" in our country, but still. Hence, I repeat, it's not a new law (that also may or may not get implemented) that is the need of the hour. It is proper, efficient and quick administration of existing ones. So that tomorrow the only possible deterrent will exist. The possibility of the criminal wondering "will I manage to get away cos this is what happened to all the others." 

And like all really good things I don't think there is any shortcut to this one.

An Afterthought:

You may blame everything else that seems like the cause of a crime. For me it's a choice some people made to act a certain way. Most  men we meet might have been in similar situations right? Being with or around  women wearing "skimpy" clothes, late hours, maybe a little drunk,  having a good time in a pub etc.? They didn't make a choice to rape that woman cos of these things. These 5 men did. And no matter how justified their "provocation  " might seem to some of the "greater" men of our society, they made that choice and committed that crime and need to be punished. You can harp on about whatever provocation.

Also, by saying that the provocation was there so the crime happened, in my eyes you are kind of admitting that if you had been in that situation you would have made that same choice as well. You would have raped her too. Because there was "enough justified provocation". No?

So be very careful of what you are admitting to oh learned gentlemen.

Should we Cry Some More?

There is interference. And then there is a height of interference. 

In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.

Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.

What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.

Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?! 

My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!

To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical  Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind. 

Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and  "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?!  She might as well  be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life! 

Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you? 

Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life? 

Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.

As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic. 

Unsafe.

Yes, unsafe, not by crime but by the justification.

Everyone seemed a little sad and disturbed (and no not shocked, it doesn't come as a shock at all) that India is ranked among the worst countries for women. A "little" sad and disturbed, cos it is as bad as it is, we  always knew, but by the regular Indian logic of things, we just hoped that there were a few countries that were a little worse so we wouldn't be "ranked" so high. Just like everything in India, how good or how bad you personally are doesn't count. All that counts is relativity. Even if we are pathetic, as long as there are people who are more pathetic than us, we are all happy. 

Ok. ok. Coming back to the topic of women. So India is a terrible and most unsafe place for women.Why? Aren't women raped and molested anywhere else? Aren't they attacked and their physical weakness preyed upon? Oh yes, they most definitely are. It is a phenomenon that exists all over the world. There are totally sick, crazy, deranged people all over the globe. They are incapable of thinking beyond the ecstasy of that particular moment. They are incapable of evaluating the consequences for everyone involved, and, they are completely incapable of feeling any kind of fear of the punishments associated with the crime (give due importance to the word "crime") when they are completely taken over by the power and excitement of that moment. They are just simply sick and deranged and criminals. Yes, admittedly these sickos exist everywhere. 

So what makes India so special? No, I'm not going into the high numbers and statistics, because even that is associated with this particular specialty. Cos India's specialty is that, rape and molestation is ALWAYS justified. In other words, it is NOT a crime enough.The people who do it are not momentarily deranged or sick. No. They are very intelligent, very decent citizens who commit these acts in an attempt to protect the morality and dignity of women and the values of a country as a whole. It is not a crime, no. In fact, it is the justified punishment for a crime that the women have actually committed by following a certain lifestyle or wearing a certain kind of dress. And if the "victim" (I'm not even sure if I can use that word considering they are actually being punished for their crime) happens to be a very "decently" and modestly dressed hapless lady, returning on the metro from her college or work or even a school student, then her crime is as simple as being out alone at certain hours in a slightly lonely compartment.

And the rest of us are all the same as the rapists themselves? Cos, those who give and the rest of us who buy this explanation are not only agreeing that it is okay to rape and molest a woman who is unfortunate enough to have to earn her living as a sex worker, but have made our conscience so non existent, that once we have convinced ourselves that the woman is "bad", then we can just as easily convince ourselves that the rape was justified and that "she asked for it". Nice. 

And yes, with that philosophy that it's okay to rape a "bad woman", in this great land, rape is , hence, justified.

Not just by the perpetrators, but even by the so called defenders like the police, the politicians and certain rather powerful ladies, like the chief of the National Commission of Women (I'm sure you all can sense the slight irony there somewhere). Yes. In India it is always the woman's fault. Hence, not only will you be raped and molested (Like what can happen outside India as well), but to top it, it will always be your fault for bringing it on to yourself. 

Hence, where, in any other place, rape is a heinous punishable act, no matter who gets raped, in our country, where we bow our heads to strong female deities, it is ok to punish "loose" women by raping them and the "not so loose" women for just being where they were. In other words, it is a totally justified act, no matter who gets raped.

I am not one for publicly bashing my country. In fact, through all the ups and downs that this nation has seen I have maintained and always will maintain that we have only gone ahead and gotten better from where we were a few years back and slowly all possible loose ends will more or less get tied, despite all the politicians and corruption. But this, not the fact that the crime exists in a certain statistics, more than other countries, but that one of the most heinous crimes in the universe can be so simply justified away by the law makers themselves, this makes me hang my head in shame in front of the rest of the world. Yes. We have failed. And how.

Proud, Yes. But Responsible?

I usually defer from writing about the current HOT topics; Too many debates, too many arguments and discussions makes the subject too stale too fast. And any tuppence one adds to it, its already been heard before. However, this post has absolutely nothing to do with the games as much as the strange Indian attitude of extremities, very much propagated and influenced by the media and this time got so bad that one had to dwell on it.

So here we were, one day jumping up and down, booing the government, booing the CWG committee and booing the country as such because International media made a huge ruckus about the "facilities and infrastructure", the lack of it, at the CWG village and they were promptly and happily seconded by the Indian media. A lot of brouhaha took place - an Australian media person saying he entered the facility with a suitcase of explosive device and not being stopped, some athletes pulling out here and there, a snake, a fever and all this was blown out of proportions by our ever prompt media!

The very next day the opening ceremony took place and suddenly everyone was happy! My twitter TL was overflowing with emotional tweets - pride, tears, exhilaration and what not! Added to this the Indian medals tally and the touching closing ceremony made all of us Proud Indian.

So where was our National Pride when some outsiders were hell bent on making us look bad?

Why were we so ready to join forces with them and display to the world spit stains, a couple of removed false ceiling tiles and so forth instead of defending our country by showing the so much more beautiful bigger picture that we finally did get to see during the games?

No, let me make myself clear. I am not saying that there were no issues, the foot bridge collapsing, the corruption are as real as they could get. (And once again, the army to the rescue, now thats where we must all learn National Pride from ). But, corruption is a disease that is there in each walk of our life; and people, believe it or not it exists in every country. Just that they don't go around shouting at the to of their voices that their country is corrupt like we are so ready to do. When there is a 'black sheep' in our family, we all go around trying to protect that fact from public while trying to tackle the issue privately at home. So why don't we have a similar feel for our country?

Once the grandeur of the opening ceremony had the media and in fact the whole population who had believed the media's gory reports, thoroughly surprised, they suddenly backtracked saying 'we never questioned the facilities. The corruption is a serious issue and that has to be tackled'. Well, for one, if corruption were really the issue, why wait for a CWG to raise it? We have to fight it, we have to solve it, but the question is, was CWG the right arena? Did we have to wash our dirty laundry internationally?

Our country has enough and more departments and avenues where corruption occurs and the normal man is robbed in broad daylight. Why doesn't the media do something about it? (in lines of tehelka eh?)  But I guess the TRP attained over crying foul for CWG is way more appealing. Wouldn't we all have looked better if the media had gone onto to display the facilities and infrastructure of the village, the greenery, the roads, interviewed so many Indian sorts person who repeatedly and vehemently mentioned how good CW village was compared to many international arenas and overall spread a good will and then covered the corrution that is anyways being covered now. No, they chose to ignore all this for the TRPs.

More important question is why are the rest of us such putty in the hands of the media? There were such angst and hate over twitter and other such arenas over the media report. Why? didn't we all at some level or other know that the organisers would have definitely made crores and crores. We are by now so tempered about all that, what with politicians stealing money out of fodder and food & clothing for soldiers at the border. So if the media had shown the great infrastructure and talked about corruption on the sidelines we would have just nodded our heads and said, of course! Instead, the "lack of clean living quarters" was the agenda initially to gather enough eyeballs.

In all this TRP race and hate mails and tweets we never once bothered to stop and think what this was doing to the image of our nation. Countries with the "India Itch" happily rode the medias back to show how "useless" Indians were and we as citizens took the side of the media and the International community leaving the organisers scrambling on the other end with  not so much as "Oh, we shall do it".

The way I see things now, we had a mind blowing CWG. With the help of the army and the Delhi CM stepping in and acting (instead of cribbing), everything went on smooth on time. International media was silent. And now that all is over the necessary actions are being taken against the necessary. Only if the media had followed the same path of positivity and support in the beginning and questions and concerns (Negativity and Dramatics on TeleVision) after the games, they wouldn't have had to eat a humble pie.

The last weeks edition of The Week carried an article be some great mind India has become a joke in the international arena thanks to the CWG. Well, I am not sure when he might have sent that article to be printed, but by now I guess we all have realised that the joke is on the likes of him.

JAI HIND!!!

Civic Sense, if Not Common Sense

All over the place, everyone is comparing and complaining about the differences between India and other countries. But, let us forget about economy and population and all those statistical figures for a moment. One of the biggest difference I feel is in the attitudes of people and one particular aspect - civic sense!

The trigger to this sudden line of thought was some brain damaging construction activity that went on in one of the neighbouring houses. Suddenly, yesterday some grinding/drilling/polishing or some such activities began somewhere in the neighbourhood. Now, that this needs to be done by whom so ever can be understood, that this was going to be continued through the night took us all unawares. The non stop droning of the drilling (or whatever) machine had gotten everyone to "bang head against walls" condition in the first half hour itself. By noon everyone was hoping there might be a break for lunch at least but no. Then we started looking forward to the 5pm deadline beyond which workers in kerala stop working with a religious fervor. But no such luck, they broke that record as well (might have been north Indian workers). Finally the work halted by around 8pm and silence has never sounded so musical before. We didn't even switch on the television in order to just enjoy the sound of silence but unfortunately (and extremely surprisingly for kerala) the workers were back in half an hour!

My point is not that in another country drilling wouldn't happen. It would. But, I am sure they would be obliged to inform their immediate neighbours at least of the oncoming sound pollution. Whats more important is that I am sure other countries would definitely have and abide by a decent cut off for such noisy work. Well, not here. No one cares and everyone suffers in "silence".

It's the same about honking, stopping your cars right at the turns and lets not even get into the spitting/cleanliness bit. With people getting such high education, more money and a much higher standard of living as such, I wish the same would reflect in the way they treat their country, at least their immediate neighbours and surroundings!

Anyways, since this is a huge ongoing debate in our country and the discussion shall go on for ever, I am stopping right here as my purpose was to take it out of my system and that has been achieved.