When Do I Draw the Line, Then?

Where do I draw a line? Seems like I don't have the liberty to draw a line. I don't have the liberty to ever say that enough is enough, you put me through enough pains already and now I don't think you deserve me, because if the Dad wants the kid then nothing is ever enough.

Anyone can treat me badly, can neglect me as much as they please, can quietly sit back acting ignorance when I struggled to juggle raising an infant, having a career, running a home, being emotionally neglected and going through major relationship mess all at the same time and yet, when they saunter back into my life, say they want me and the kid, cry and beg in front of everyone and finally play the last card that says "don't you think we must do whatever it takes to give the kid all the chances he deserve?", then what else can I do but to give them that "one more chance" all over again. 

After everything someone has put you through, after taking an year to make up their mind, after having all the fun they wanted and then after thinking that now is a good time for them to settle and have a family around to show off and live that "dream life", they come back and beg and plead in front of all the people in the equation then they become good. And if I say "Too late, I hate what you have put me through and no matter what you do, I wouldn't be able to change my mind and start loving being around you", I become the selfish bad person, cos after all, everyone had the final card that says "How can you decide how late is too late for a 2 year old kid". True. Very true. one can't, least of all his mother. And, i don't want to so I wont. 

This person, who could have put an end to my suffering at any moment, who should have been the one to support and comfort me instead of giving me all the pain he did during my already difficult years, chose not to do it till he felt that now the time is just right for him to have a family. And even then, people finally only remember his crying and pleading and conveniently forget everything I have gone through in the last 5, what should have been the most beautiful, years, cos all everyone has ever wanted in this lifetime is the comfort of the "farce dream life" where everything "looks normal' and the "safety" and the "security" that this so called institution provides. 

Do I have the right to want 'happiness"? Oh, but of course. But, my happiness is derived from the happiness of my son only, isn't it. And that I brought him up alone for the first two years and completely know that I will continue to do it, despite a little trouble and a few difficult questions in between, is of little consequence. And, if I do pursue my personal happiness in the form of not living with a man I hate, and disrespect, who has neglected me during my most difficult times, who repeatedly insulted me and treated me badly, then I become selfish. I am this person who chose to put my own happiness in the forefront as against the possibility of giving my son a happy, "normal" life. . Why? All because he cried and pleaded and wanted us back when the time was right for him, and I didn't give my kid the "one more chance" at a normal life. And because, whether I bring up a happy, normal baby or not, it is more important that he have this "father figure" living in the same house.

What is this world where there is guilt in being happy; 

• Where the statistics that "80% of the families function together for the sake of the children and love and all is just in the movies" is accepted and actually touted as the reason why you should say yes and go with a man who did all this to you
• Where, you know no matter how much he tries now, even genuinely tries, he can never ever make you fall in love with him again after all that you have been through.
• Where this man taught you the very very hard way, that you don't need him, you can do things well by yourself and be happy, and still you are made to feel that you are obliged to go back, cos now he has come calling at his own time. 
• Where, knowing that you don't need him, that he doesn't deserve you, that he constantly hurt and neglected you is nothing in front of "he wants to live with his son and hence shall try to keep you happy", cos that is all that matters. He said he will try, didn't he? what more can he do now? True. very true.
• Where it is understood that I will bring my son up amazingly cos I AM, and no one can deny this bit, a very very wonderful mother, whether I live alone and happy, or with a man who hurt me and hence unhappily; but all that matters is I do the latter so he can have this father figure in his life, cos that is more important.
• Where, I live with a man because 'Did he hit me?' No, 'Did he drink and abuse me?' NO, He did say he doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage, but after one year, didn't he change his mind? Yes. Then, that is all that matters. Cos it is all so that the child has his parents in the same house.

What is this, dear world? What a mess you have made of yourself.