Of Egos, Complexes and Complications

Ego is such a messy thing. How difficult a colleague, a partner, a friend, family, even, just a person, you tend to become when you are carrying around this terrible weight of 'self'. How difficult and hated. How inconvenient to be around.

We have a colleague around here. Every time he asks for money for various site expenses, the accounts guys have no options but to ask for bills, clarifications, explanations etc. because that is the procedure. That is their job. However, every time he IS asked, a fight ensues - they are "doubting" him, are "implying that he is cheating and lying", they looked at him a particular way, smiled a particular way, they verified things with each other regarding the process while he was sitting there, he didn't like the "words" that were used or even the "tone". In short, he believes the world doesn't 'respect him enough'. One day he came for getting signatures on some papers and the concerned person was out. He asked the account guy for money without the signatures, which was naturally refused. He started screaming and shouting and saying he wasn't being respected enough and made to run around and what not. And all this is very justified inside his head. he is still right and the world is unjust and out to get him.

It's sad really. He walks into the room and people cringe and escape. During these fights he happens to say  things like "They respect me, but you guys treat me badly". And when he is gone, people here call and say to people there 'you guys respect him, eh?' and there are major guffaws all around. It is really sad. 

I don't understand how people live their whole lives in this self constructed mess of complexes and egos and self deceit. It must be such a heavy burden. Such listless sleep and so much worry thinking who hates him for whom. so much paranoia and so much self-pity. Its so complicated.

• First, YOU think (in some cases know) you are actually not good enough and some people are simply doing you a favor by being nice. 
• You grudge them their superior position and their "favors".
• You also envy everyone around you who is actually good, and who get accolades, and who seems comfortable in their own skins and have no complaints.
• You hate people who don't sit down and crib and cry and agree with you. 
• Then you work hard. But, the purpose of your hard work is not a good project or accolades in line of your efforts, but a self deceiving process to make yourself and others believe that you actually are good enough (even better) than those in power.
• Then, when your efforts get you recognition for your hard work from the very same people, you are still not satisfied and grudge them the position where they can actually applaud your work from their superior positions.
• You are constantly unsatisfied, feel like the world is not just, scream about your efforts wherever you can and "demand" respect and attention and crib and shout to whoever is around.
• In the process, people actually take notice of you, start disrespecting you and look down upon you and some even start treating you in the exact same way that you had imagined you were being treated in the first place.

Ugh! What a shit load of useless thinking and efforts. And why?!

I have only one thing to say about this. If you really want people to love and respect you, to want to talk to you and enjoy the conversation, for friends and family to visit your house and make you feel included, it all starts with you accepting yourself - your strengths, weaknesses, good and bad, loving yourself and most importantly, being comfortable in your own skin. Know yourself and love yourself. If you are confused about who you are, how will others ever know you. If you are uncomfortable being you, that shows. And then everyone else is uncomfortable being with you.