Still Just an Apology

Yes, you made a mistake. But, a mistake is just human. We all make them .

Yes, you say that you acknowledge what you did was wrong, as well. But guess what, sometimes an acknowledgement is not good enough. 

Sometimes it takes a truly heartfelt, tearful apology that conveys that you have comprehended the magnitude of your mistake and sincerely believe that no punishment can make up for it. That conveys not just an apology, but gratitude to the other person for accepting the apology.

And then sometimes, that is still all that it takes.

Considering what you had, what you put me through for the last two years, the cheating, the neglecting, the ignoring and the complete lack of acknowledging the existence of me and my son, all you still had to do was show me the respect of a truly desperate, heartfelt, apology. How much simpler could it get?

Just once in these 365 days that I gave you, AFTER I found out about the cheating, when I was all alone running around like crazy trying to manage a career, bring up a happy baby, running a home to feed 4 people, while my parents were sustaining your expenses in Pune, AND while I was still managing to put up a happy front so as to not let anyone suspect that something was wrong, all you STILL had to do was give me the basic respect of a truly heartfelt apology and convince me that you truly want me back and I would STILL have simply come back with you, if only because my son deserves that chance.

But, you didn't.

I wonder what it is I did that made me so irrelevant and worthless in your eyes.

I know couples that take each other for granted at times. But, this belief of yours that no matter that you cheated on me at a time when I was all alone taking care of our 10 month old son while managing a career so as to support our lives (all 3 of ours), no matter that even after I found out about it, I said let's move forward and instead of apology and gratitude that I put it all behind me the same night, you pointed out to me that there were "issues" in this marriage and hence we must reconsider if we should move forward.

After this humongous insult on an already indescribable injury, I still gave you a whole bloody year. For what? Only for an apology and a declaration that you truly want ME back. ME. Not only for Sid, not only for  you, your parents, your society,  but for ME. And you couldn't give me that. You didn't give me that.

No. I don't want to repeat and relive what the last two years, especially the last year, has been for me.

My point? 

My biggest hurt, the biggest insult, the biggest pain in my life aren't the wrongs that were done to me. I am someone who forgets wrongs very easily. I melt like butter if you say the right words, look at me the right way, smile the right smile, respect me enough not to not hurt me, but to think me important enough  to apologize the right way. And you did not give me that. I wish you had respected me enough for that.

If not, I wish you had at least respected me enough to say that you are sorry, but you believe we should not be together. I just wish you had respected me enough to just not keep me hanging for one whole year after and during what I was already facing in my life.

Basically, an apology. Not one that you believed was enough, but one that I was convinced was it. Cos, no matter who has to be convinced, it is still JUST an apology, right, after everything that has been done?