I want to do something in life. Something meaningful. Something that gives me satisfaction and not just money. Not a "job" that is a burden along with being my bread and butter. This is not my calling. This is not what I want to keep doing day in and day out for no idea how many more years and die thinking "what the hell did I really DO?" For Me?
People have been asking me to start thinking about a move, about getting out of this shell and finally moving into the next "better" opportunity. And I want to. I really want to start waking up every day looking forward to work, to get a feeling of accomplishment when I lay my head on the pillow at night and think back, to feel a sense of drive and determination to keep doing what I do, and to achieve whatever I am headed out to achieve. But WHAT better opportunities?! In fact, the right question is, what "opportunities" are really "better" for me.
The thing is, I know that what I am doing is NOT it. For sure. I hate it and usually am here only for the AC, free and excellent WiFi, an awesome friend in my colleague with whom I have some of the most profound, intellectual and fantastic discussions, for the money of course and most importantly for having a place to get out of bed and head to. And it kills me every single day that I am stuck in this place because I "HAVE" to rather than wanting it. So I know it is NOT it. But how do I correct this situation if I don't know what IT IS! No matter how much I break my head against the wall I am not able to figure out what it is that I really want to do, what will make me happy.
Somewhere in the back of my head is the feeling that it is got to be related to doing "some good", to "giving back" and if I really start somewhere it will head me to the right direction. But the truth is I am afraid to start. I have gotten stuck into this "apathy" of a safe zone that I hate and is boring and frustrating and empty, but a "safe" zone nevertheless. I have a very valid reason that I can give anyone and escape behind. That I can't move into a new city with Sid right now cos he is too young. It is true. I can't. But seriously, why does that imply that I can't change? Or maybe take a much, much deserved break, do things I like, go to places I want to and in the meanwhile I might, just might, see exactly where I can start from.
The truth is I am less afraid of the moving and for Sid as I am of breaking out of this safe place that comes with doing what is obvious, what is normal. A "job" is so important in our times not as much for the financial security, as much as it is for the sake of sticking to this "normalcy". I did my engineering, my masters and then stuck to the work that both these have automatically led me to. Nothing out of the way, nothing "different". And I had no complaints all these years with doing the normal, with living the "one thing led to other" life, with not breaking any rules and raising any eyebrows. But now I have this feeling of "being stuck". Of living in Trivandrum because I'm a single mother to a two year old and "have to do" whatever best I get here and in the "same lines" as my work profile, topped with not wanting to stay at home while my parents run around earning. There is this feeling that life has completely gotten out of my hands and every single aspect of it has become a "have to" instead of a want to - Trivandrum, the job, not going out with people, everything. And I am stuck in the rut cos after the divorce, I really don't want to rock everyone else's boat again! Again, one of those cases where you do things to be right by everyone else except yourself and then try to find a sense of comfort in being right or unselfish or "doing the right thing". Another one of those cases where every wrong you do in life becomes alright because we all carry that "right by sacrifice" gene in us.
Thing is, I know that no one else can help me realize what is the right thing for me to do. I also know that it is not about keeping my eyes peeled for new job opportunities (My dad asked me yesterday why I didn''t keep checking the "opportunities" page since I have been wanting to change jobs. Oh dad! How do I explain). I think it's more about taking that break, thinking and finding the strength within myself to try something new, for ME. That is the biggest challenge. I know that if I sit to think there might be a few things skimming right there at the top, as things that I would much rather be doing. The real challenge is finding the strength from within to not feel guilty, bad or irresponsible about leaving what I have built up on for all these years and losing that sense of "stability" that comes from pursuing a career to try something new, to experiment purely for a sense of satisfaction and joy and not for the sake of having a career and money. The biggest challenge is to convince myself that it is not wrong to do things for myself if it feels right for me instead of doing what is defined as the right way by everyone else. The biggest challenge is in not seeing finding my calling as "rocking" someone else's boat and feeling like a failure for doing that (It need not be anyone else's boat at all, really. At least this one must be mine alone to rock. The biggest challenge is to get out of my own safe/comfort zone and finding the willingness to rock the boat some.
No comments:
Post a Comment