When Expectations Replace Love

Sometimes sorrow just falls into a "typical" bracket, a standard category. So standard that you don't even know what to say to the person undergoing the pain because it is so prevalent that it has almost become normal.

The other day I was listening to an extremely hurt, really sad elder sibling, who, unfortunately for him, happened to be governed by the "useless" traits of caring, family connections, love, attachments etc. while the younger sibling happened to be an over achiever in every "important" sense. The younger one had never really believed in attachments and gestures as "achievements" got him everything, way more than his elder brother ever got at home. He thrived on being admired and appreciated and learnt very early that 'being  nice' is such a waste. And the factor that made things just so, the source of admiration to one and pain to the other was your "typical Indian" father. (I know that is a sad generalization but I am sticking to the father from "Taare Zameen Par" image) This father had always, always been super proud of the achiever son and always looked down upon, judged, mocked and basically emotionally disowned the elder one leaving the mother to make him feel cared and wanted. ("bilkul tumhaarey upar gaya hai" phenomenon).

"And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to our expectations"

And, in case of this young man I was speaking to, as if dealing with the shadow of an over achieving younger sibling and a dad who turned a blind eye to, even worse, disapproved of, his (not so relevant) achievements his entire life were not bad enough, the one "safe place", the person who made home, home, the one friend and guide and strength, his mother, had passed away two years back. He was alone. Un-understood. Unloved. And hurting. The son was hurting among this bunch of heartless/emotionless strangers whose 'being strangers' itself made the pain and loneliness and abandonment of the mother's leaving much much worse for him. Cos he was the kind who cared.  To him, his mother was the screen between this constant disapproval and shame, and her going  not only took away her own presence but also exposed him to this stark, ugly empty side of his life.

So I heard him relate yet another incident in a lifelong line of incidents where his dad let him know of his disappointment and distrust. 

And what could I say to him? That it is okay? NO! It is not. It cannot be okay, ever. All you parents out there, different kids have different feelings. And if you can't see and love each of them for being what they are, instead of what you believe is ideal, then it's not them, it is YOU who are a pathetic failure in life. Today you might need your achiever son for your own sense of pride and achievement. And yet, tomorrow, when you are old and withered, who do  you think will give you any kind of emotional, "I am there for you" feeling, (buddhhaape ka sahara) support, appreciation for everything you have been through and done, and care?  The cold-hearted, over-achieving, 'I do everything for my own benefit and succeed' kid you have been so proud of all your life? Hah. Dream On!

And in all this you think you are doing wrong only by one son? You have made one of them feel abandoned,  unloved even "useless" his whole life which he has spent trying to, needing to impress you and see a spark of acceptance, pride and even  love from you. The sense of "failure" you have given that one is obvious. But what about the other? You think his academic, even career achievements, will be all he will need his whole life? You have made a monster who, right now, thinks all there is to life is "achievements". The only emotion  he thinks exists, or matters, is a sense of pride in one self and seeing  it reflected in others. What about love,  laughter, joy in small things (oh! but that is sissy), companionship, family values? You have made another YOU. An extremely unhappy, emotionally deprived, ice of a "human being" who will be another pain point to his own family. A lonely, never understood, never appreciated wife (who might eventually leave him anyways. This is the next generation, you know.) and more unhappy, either over competitive or lost in life kids, who might also eventually disown him for different reasons.  When will  this cycle end?! It is NOT ok. He will end up being the most lonely man ever and at a stage of life when he won't have his mother to screen him  from this bleakness and give him a home, a safe place.

What do I say to him? Not to get upset because it is the most common aspect of Indian parenthood? How can I say that? That is the biggest aspect of "upset" in today's Indian kids. These parents who don't really love them. Who either love their Grades or don't  love anything about them at all.

What do I say to him? 

He will feel bad. So will a million others. Some of them even hang themselves everyday.

And no, change will NOT come in the manner of every single kid learning to fit into the standard mold you want to fit them in (though the increasing statistics of stress and depression and suicide among children does suggest that you are succeeding.) The change will come when you, the parents, learn to love your children for what they are, for what they can do, for their innocence, for just being. And then they will excel, they will excel as happy, loved, satisfied individuals. They will succeed because of love and appreciation and support, not  because of fear and shame.

Matters of work and such

I want to do something in life. Something meaningful. Something that gives me satisfaction and not just money. Not a "job" that is a burden along with being my bread and butter. This is not my calling. This is not what I want to keep doing day in and day out for no idea how many more years and die thinking "what the hell did I really DO?" For Me? 

People have been asking me to start thinking about a move, about getting out of this shell and finally moving into the next "better" opportunity. And I want to. I really want to start waking up every day looking forward to work, to get a feeling of accomplishment when I lay my head on the pillow at night and think back, to feel a sense of drive and determination to keep doing what I do, and to achieve whatever I am headed out to achieve. But WHAT better opportunities?! In fact, the right question is, what "opportunities" are really "better" for me.

The thing is, I know that what I am doing is NOT it. For sure. I hate it and usually am here only for the AC, free and excellent WiFi, an awesome friend in my colleague with whom I have some of the most profound, intellectual and fantastic discussions, for the money of course and most importantly for having a place to get out of bed and head to. And it kills me every single day that I am stuck in this place because I "HAVE" to rather than wanting it. So I know it is NOT it. But how do I correct this situation if I don't know what IT IS! No matter how  much I break my head against the wall I am not able to figure out what it is that I really want to do, what will make me happy. 

Somewhere in the back of  my head is the feeling that it is got to be related to doing "some good", to "giving back" and if I really start somewhere  it will head me to the right direction. But the truth is I am afraid to start. I have gotten stuck into this "apathy" of a safe zone that I hate and is boring and frustrating and empty, but a "safe" zone nevertheless. I have a very valid reason that I can give anyone and escape behind. That I can't move into a new city with Sid right now cos he is too young.  It is true. I can't. But seriously, why does that imply that I can't change? Or maybe take a much, much deserved break, do things I like, go to places I want to and in the meanwhile I might, just might, see exactly where I can start from. 

The truth is I am less afraid of the moving and for Sid as I am of breaking out of this safe place that comes with doing what is obvious, what is normal. A "job" is so important in our times not as much for the financial security, as much as it is for the sake of sticking to this "normalcy". I did my engineering, my masters and then stuck to the work that both these have automatically led me to. Nothing out of the way,  nothing "different". And I had no complaints all these years with doing the normal, with living the "one thing led to other" life, with not breaking any rules and raising any eyebrows. But now I have this feeling of "being stuck". Of living in Trivandrum because I'm a single mother to a two year old and "have to do" whatever best I get here and in the "same lines" as my work profile, topped with not wanting to stay at home while my parents run around earning. There is this feeling that life has completely gotten out of  my hands and every single aspect of it has  become a "have to" instead of a want to - Trivandrum, the job, not going out with people, everything.  And I am stuck in the rut cos after the divorce, I really don't want to rock everyone else's boat again!  Again, one of those cases where you do things to be right by everyone else except yourself and then try to find a sense of comfort in being right or unselfish or "doing the right thing". Another one of those cases where every wrong you do in life becomes alright because we all carry that "right by sacrifice" gene in us.

Thing is, I know that no one else can help me realize what is the right thing for me to do. I also know that it is not about keeping my eyes peeled for new job opportunities (My dad asked me yesterday why I didn''t keep checking the "opportunities" page since I have been wanting to change jobs. Oh dad! How do I explain). I think it's more about taking that break, thinking and finding the strength within myself to try something new, for ME. That is the biggest challenge. I know that if I sit to think there might be a few things skimming right there at the top, as things that I would much rather be doing. The real challenge is finding the strength from within to not feel guilty, bad or irresponsible about leaving what I have built up on  for all these years and losing that sense of "stability" that comes from pursuing a career to try something new, to experiment purely for a sense of satisfaction and joy and not for the sake of having a career and money. The biggest challenge is to convince myself that it is not wrong to do things for myself if it feels right for me instead of doing what is defined as the right way by everyone else. The biggest challenge is in not seeing finding my calling as "rocking" someone else's boat and feeling like a failure for doing that (It need not be anyone else's boat at all, really. At least this one must be mine alone to rock. The biggest challenge is to get out of my own safe/comfort zone and finding the willingness to rock the boat some.  

Reactions are Reflections

The other day I had posted a status  on Facebook on the lines of how our reactions to people/events reflects so much more about our own behavior. This was about the fear of being judged. The post went like this: 

"The amount of shame you feel about telling people things about yourself is a direct reflection of how much you are liable to judge others if you hear something similar about them.

Keeping private things private is totally understandable. But outright lying about something only because YOU believe it is shameful just goes to show your own mindset."

What I was trying to say is, you expect people to see things in a particular way and to judge you in exactly the way you will see these things coming from  others. Your thinking, your fears are all a reflection of hoow your mind works. Not of how the other person's (whose judgement you fear).

In continuation to this post came  another thought. More like a corollary because this has to do with respect to what the judgements you make about you. More or less connected to this post.

So, you meet a person having gone through a major personal setback or eventuality and yet holding his head high and smiling at life.

You can have one of the two reactions. You can either think "Oh My God. How brave is that guy. Had I been in his place I may have been so shattered by all this. So brave and strong that he has all  that pain inside and still carrying on". I know this thought cos I have had this about various people I have met at various stages of  my life and continue to admire. People who have shaped me and have a large influence on how I handle aspects of my life.

But, that is really rare. More reactions happen in the second category where people tend to go "My God! Even something like that hasn't effected him/her. What kind of person are they? Heartless? Emotionless?" etc. When someone sits in  front of me making statements in these lines and expecting me to agree with their judgement of the person being discussed, the only judgement my mind is passing is regarding the speaker himself. Cos, for  me, these are people who are so ashamed of their own weakness regarding handling eventualities that they have to judge the other person as "heartless" for being brave,  way more brave than they can ever imagine.

In short, your "judging" this person falls into either "empathy and loads of admiration and support" OR "what an emotionless creature with no feelings. How shameless."

Now you decide you is really being judged.