One of Those Days...

Yesterday, as well as today, have been one of those days when I wake up feeling sad, bored, very irritated and snappy and an overall pain to be with. I have not been able to figure out what to do with myself. I have been feeling helpless and angry. Like screaming at the top of my lungs from the rooftop! Like taking a long drive to I don't know where and playing my music to the full...like breaking down and crying...Like................

What HAS been hurting me these last couple of days? What are the thoughts I have been fighting from taking their permanent places in me? Thoughts that I am denying I have been having and hence not talking or writing about? Let see, I''l try and put them down:

• It begins with the feeling, rather with the fact that I am standing at the sidelines watching the world go by.
• That I have absolutely no purpose to my life right now and am contributing to nothing useful.
• I have no where to get up, get dressed and head to in the morning.
• I am not important anymore. No one calls me, waits for my mail or has meetings lined up for me. I make no contributions :(
• Will I have a career again? Did I hurt the little I had built up by taking this long break?
• Knowing that there were different ways of handling this, not as simple but maybe better for the career. Do I regret my decision? I don't know! But I hate to regret anything!!!
• My days tumble into one another each day like the other. I don't even know most of the time what day of the week it is.
• I am NOT part of anything at all.
• Explaining to umpteen people why I am not working anymore!!!
• Talking to friends/batch mates/ex-colleagues/husband/parents everyone and listening to them cribbing about tough work life and how much it sucks!!! "GUYS! I DON'T HAVE ANY WORK LIFE TO CRIB ABOUT. PLEASE DON'T CRIB (OR WORSE, PRAISE) YOU WORK LIVES TO ME".It makes me jealous n I feel worse bout myself.
• The feeling that I am being left far behind in the freaking rat race that I never liked to be part of.

And so on and so forth....The list has no end and is very difficult to ignore. And I hope I have put it all down so I can now get on with it.

Mostly, I have been fighting this feeling for quite some time, not letting myself get bogged down by the fact that I am "unemployed". But, there are times like the last 2 days, when there is nothing I can do or tell myself to fight that rising fear that I may never get back into the mainstream ever again. Or the fear that everything I did the last 3 years may have just ended because of this break that I am taking now. I know it sounds ridiculous. I even know this whole depression shall disappear in a few hours. But the fact is it is still bothering me at some level deep down.

I can reason with myself just a well as anyone else reasoning with me.I do tell myself that life is about prioritizing; and not working now is because of higher priorities. On days like today I don't want anyone to reason with me and advice me on why I needn't worry because tomorrow I wouldn't be worrying at all. But today.....

And, I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't accept the fact that there had been other paths in front of me, different ways to manage these priorities at one point of time, and in the flurry of events and emotions I may have chosen the easiest way out.

In the meanwhile, I have been listening to a lot of music, catching up on a lot of reading, getting in touch with a lot of old friends and catching up with their lives, made a couple of new and interesting friends too, catching up on some painting etc. to keep myself busy. I have also been playing agony aunt to many frenz trying to sort out their lives and trying to be there, though where my own is going looks a bit hazy at times.

Since yesterday, I have even taken on doing dumb quizzes on facebook and have my farm and cafe on facebook have never had it more prompt.

I keep updating old photographs and editing albums online.

The things that boredom and an idle mind makes one resort to.

And its obvious from these activities that they don't fill my days either cos i used to find solace in reading and my ipod even at the busiest toughest times, especially then. Now, I just do them for the want of sitting down in front of something and looking like I have some purpose to my day. I luv books but more so when they are a solace to escape from a busy schedule. What do I do when all I have is books and I wanna escape them for some time?

I don't like the situation I am in. I don't like being where I am. I don't like to feel that I am not in control of my life and I just hate days like these which make me face up to the truth that I am not doing the best thing I could have and I can't blame anyone else for it . Today, I feel confused, angry, depressed, irritated, helpless...I know it will not last long...Its just one of those days...

And right now I long for a long drive by the beach, an expensive lunch at a nice coffee shop in a BIG hotel or resort by the beach or maybe a drink, or just some window shopping around town with some friends. Or maybe just a new activity I need to figure out...Its one of those days and its almost over...And I know I will wake up tomorrow happy to be able to do my favorite things on my own time...To read a nice book, to listen to my favorite music, even to go to a spa and have myself pampered, to think my thoughts, to sit alone and dream...