The Right Reasons

If you are in a relationship, then you are IN a relationship with THAT person. There is nothing more to it  and nothing less. It automatically implies that you love that person, you love being with them, you trust them, you care for them and are concerned about them, not because you HAVE to, as a sense of duty, but because that concern is what stays on top of your mind naturally, all the time.

And that's all there is. You can't be "in a relationship" with someone for any other reason.You can't stay married because your parents feel ashamed of you if you don't, or because of what the society will say or for the sake of your kids. Of course you can stay married to live under the same roof for these reasons, but you are NOT in a relationship with that person. You are the kid's parents but definitely not each other's partners. And you are not going to fool anyone in the process, not yourselves and especially not the kids.

The only reason to be together? To be in a relationship? To be a couple? If you WANT to be with each other for each other's and YOUR OWN sake. Nothing else, no one else can be reason for a relationship. They may be reason for two strangers living under that roof rather unhappily and making a proud sacrifice of themselves for the sake  of the children and the parent's sense of pride, but they can NEVER be a reason for two people loving each other. 

It's so sad that most of us (including me) think of ourselves as selfish and wrong for putting our happiness, our need to be loved, our need to love the person we are living with etc. as a reason to have a relationship, ahead of all these other reasons. Reasons that will very quickly grow up and have a life of their own, reasons that already have had each other for 30-40 years by now and very soon will not be even around to see what has become of us and yet they comes first and any mention of our happiness becomes selfish and against our culture or ethics or morality. But, if the same couple live the rest of their lives unhappily under one roof, at least till the kids grow up, hating each other and detesting their own lives and eventually detesting the people around them who are happy (and this is the set that makes the "society" which then judges the others who seek happiness), they are are respected and considered ideal. Who will break this chain, this vicious circle of unhappiness that frowns on anyone trying to be happy? I hope the change comes soon for the sake of our kid's, their sanity and their simple happiness. 

Of Love and Need

That feeling you have when you think of someone every time YOU are feeling low and lonely is definitely not "love". That is simply selfishness. That is simply you needing their strength and happiness to help yourself feel better.

Love would have been only if you wanted to be with someone, also when they were feeling low, when they were facing their toughest times, when they wanted your strength and happiness surrounding them and you were willingly present to give them that. In fact, love would have been if you had wanted to be the one who could give them that. Only then.

Should we Cry Some More?

There is interference. And then there is a height of interference. 

In India, we are all mostly used to the former and have found our own ways of fighting/putting up with it and if nothing else, then ranting about it helps at times. But what do you do with the latter, when all heights of interference have been crossed? Yes, even by the great Indian standards.

Okay, I'll explain. So when you are a divorcee, in India, especially in the small cities like Trivandrum, you are bound to be judged. Everyone has an opinion about your life, about what happened, about who was wrong and who was "more wrong", AND, oh of course, what you should do next (Meaning, how quickly should you move on and with whom). But hey, that's just the "former" category. The normal Indian level of interference. No, seriously.

What can there be more to interfere with in someone's life, you wonder. Ha! Here it is. People discussing how the divorced lady's father does not seem affected enough. Yeah. In other words, the absence of emotions on display for their entertainment benefit, the absence of theatrics and tears and drama just did not suit the extensive Indian pallet.

Beats the crap out of any kind of logic eh? Beats even the most bizarre complaints anyone would have made regarding the typical Indian interference right? Well it did happen and it happened to me - just yesterday- when one of my dad's friends informed my mother how some xyz (totally despicable thing going around by the title of a human being) actually told this fellow that my dad doesn't seem "very bothered". How... I mean, I don't even.... Sigh! Why would my dad wear his 'troubled state of mind regarding his daughter's divorce' for this piece of shit's or anyone else's benefit?! 

My dad?! Can these people even begin to imagine the personal tragedies that man has endured and is still carrying on with life with more spirit and energy than any of them has ever known or dreamt of even, even during their "best" periods in life?! Or for that matter, can they spare a thought for me, the "'dreaded divorced" daughter, who DOES NOT want her parents to be hurt and upset and broken and shattered. That I know that's impossible; they will be all those things. But, them not going around acting on it, helps me, even a little bit? Oh! but why would these people think THAT? That is so against their personal entertainment. And even more importantly, the only person who needs to be bothered about how much my parent's are or are not worried about my life should be only ME!

To me, this one has taken the cake, the icing the cherry and everything there is, with regards to all of those "typical  Indian mentality" things we usually talk about, including, interference into other's personal lives or preferences or choices, doing everything for the benefit of the "SOCIETY" (how I have come to hate that word thanks to the Indian reference), living lives with the mantra "what will other's say" and most importantly considering "being happy" (with whatever you have) one of the biggest crimes of human kind. 

Also, by this logic, I'm sure I also have been coming across as the most heartless, emotionless creature ever, cos I also have been going around living my life the best way I could, doing the things that have to be done, maintaining my sanity and  "worst", taking happiness from whatever I have around me right now. ("Oh! How can she even imagine trying to be happy now that she is divorced?!  She might as well  be dead" they would say) My emotions have not been and never will be out there for anyone's approval regarding befitting the situation in my life! 

Goddamn You, You people! So now you have gone from expecting people to live by your set of (absolutely, historically abnormal) moral codes and making all their immensely personal decisions to suit your scrutiny, to even emoting and reacting to situations in their lives in such a way as you find befitting?! You just get better and better, don't you? 

Also, while we are at it, errrm, what happened to your OWN life? 

Is this an inflated sense of self importance that makes you believe that everyone around you does everything only to be validated by you and to please you, or is it a complete lack of interest/happiness in your own life, your deflated sense of self that keeps you so interested in others'? Oh! You people have taken "pathetic" to a new level. Grow up country. Learn to mind your own business, learn to live YOUR OWN life (I'm sure you can make one even if you start right now) and just bloody grow up.

As I once said, we are all in such a sad state of "non-thinking" where the only thought that bothers you is what others are thinking, which sadly is the only thought these "others" also have. Pathetic. 

The other phases

There is this big thing hanging in the air that I must write about. I have written about it by beating about the bush in terms of the feelings and pain I went through, in terms of another blog while I was going through it, and probably about other related issues, but never gotten to the  point. And I think it's more so because I am incapable of getting to the point with respect to this topic because there are so many many many angles to it. Major and minor irritations that affect you from various directions, multiple doubts and confusions eat at you, the guilt associated is killing you all the time, and the emotions. How does one write something that does justice to all these various pain points or manage to discuss just one of those without dragging in every single interrelated aspect.

Well, here is how one talented writer  (Yes,  cos that is definitely NOT me.) did it.  This article from a weekly column at Livemint, called Dancing Divorcee, had me vigorously nodding my head at each and every word spoken there. Of course, it doesn't deal with the emotional trauma and doubts much, that the individual felt, and instead deals with the other irritants that prevail - Another angle of the whole pain. And how! Cos I wanted to say all these things, but could never have said it better, I request you all to read up on this article for sure. So read on...

"After the most difficult thing in the world of divorce, i.e. deciding to get one, the second most difficult thing is telling the parents. Especially, if like me, you come from a ‘normal’ middle-class family.

They don’t get it, they never will. My mother, still occasionally speaks about how angry she is with the Ex. In our world, a divorce is SEP — Somebody Else’s Problem. It never comes home. It’s what is spoken of in hushed tones about far-off relatives when you meet other far-off relatives. read more....."

It's so true, every single bit of it that associated people (read: mothers) go through. The shock, the disbelief that "this can't be happening to us", the shame associated with "how do we tell people", the shame associated with "failure"(we failed, our daughter failed etc.), the blame - "Why didn't you tell us before it got to this point so we could have solved it", then finally attributing all  blame to the guy, the emotional blackmail -  "we all have gone through these feelings but we put up with things for you, "the kids" first.", then the pain associated with the final "telling" to other people. And through all these emotional stages I have only my mother in mind. Cos just as in that article, my dad's main stand was "Well, at the end of it if you don't want it, you can't do it for anyone else. Don't listen to others. They will have their own reasons and a hundred opinions to back their reasons. You can only do what you feel is right for you." My dad also asked me "You are thinking of Sid, of us,  of everything else. The problem is, who is thinking of you, your happiness?" And as the article says "For that, I will love him forever and there will always be a daughter’s gratitude to destiny, for providing me with the best dad in the world.

Destiny, just @%#*ed-up a bit on the husband."

Always there, but not really...

Today I got a friends request on Facebook. Just like most other friends request, this one was also from someone familiar, an old, distant acquaintance but someone I have hardly spoken to. 

But then there was a small difference in the way I felt about it. basically, this was from someone who I was 'distantly acquainted' to from school and then in college as well. Someone I had always had tremendous respect for, though she wouldn't have been more than 2 years older to me.The kind of person you respect and admire from a distance; you would like to talk to but are also a little afraid of them, afraid that you might not be considered 'good enough' or 'important enough' (yeah that high school thing); someone who gave you a feeling, even as early as school, like talking to them would be similar to approaching someone in power, that they could easily make you feel small, insignificant, but wanting to talk to them nevertheless and NOT feel like that. And then today, after all these years when I got that friends request I just felt warm inside. A connection, that never was. It made me plain happy. (ok, I am truly hoping this doesn't sound too gay. THAT happiness is just being remembered by someone I respected so much so long ago!)

 Also, this was a girl who, everyone in school always knew would do something special, something different. She wouldn't just simply follow the pack. And so, when I got that friends request today and immediately accepted, I wanted to find out what she had been up to all these years. I couldn't figure out much from her profile at first, and then when the discovery slowly revealed to me, I couldn't help but smile to myself. 

Though I have not spoken to her and the details are not clear, it appears to me that she is a founder member of some venture that deals with conducting thinking and communication workshops for kids. :) Now, did it surprise me? No. To begin with, I didn't know her well enough for the choice of field to surprise or not surprise me. And the fact that we always knew that she would be among the people who doesn't do something ordinary, only caused a "Aaha! Why am I not surprised" feeling. There is still that silent admiration, now probably a little more.

And guess what? Though I wanted to send her a message saying how impressive her work is, I realized that after all these years I still carry that silly hesitation to talk to her.

And what affected me the most was that realization that there are so many people in our lives who have been part of it in the vaguest and yet not so vague way for the longest time ever, longer than any friend/any partner, and yet someone we barely know. People who have managed to come and go from our lives for as long as we remember without much conversations, friendships or any relations whatsoever, and yet have always had some kind of an impact as in they have not ever been among the unnoticed ones. I wonder if I have been that person to someone as well. Funny thought that.